Fellowship of the King posted: " (For Tod) The world is unusually quiet this dawn With fading stars withdrawing in good grace And drowsy, dreaming sunflowers, dewy-drooped, Their golden crowns all motionless and still, Stand patiently in their ordered garden rows, Almost as if they wait"
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Friday, April 8, 2016
Sunday, April 3, 2016
School Bus Seatbelts - or Grave Markers? - weekly column
Mack Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@Aol.com
Seatbelts or Grave Markers
As we follow our own little trails through the woods of life we tend not to think about things we don’t think about, as Bertie Wooster might say.
One thing we were made to think about last week was the usefulness of seatbelts in school busses. We should indeed thank God that no young person was killed, and now we should thank God further by doing more ourselves to protect young people.
After the deaths of children in a school vehicle rollover near Beaumont ten years ago, I naively assumed that the “they” – which in truth is “we” – had done something about seatbelts. Beyond a bit of p.r. and some weak, vague, and unfunded suggestions by the State of Texas, well, no.
As Representative James White wisely says, "Here's the point, when it comes to the safety of our students…it’s not a state function or a local function. We need to prioritize and get it done."
And to paraphrase a popular slogan, when seconds count for your child’s safety, the State of Texas is years away.
School busses need seatbelts now because little humans traveling in those large tin cans need seatbelts if something goes wrong. We have heard all the excuses: “The kids won’t wear them,” “You can’t make them,” “They’ll just unbuckle them,” “It’s not cost-effective,” and on and on. None of those excuses is worth the life of a kid. Seatbelts need to be in place.
We are all caused out, and are quite properly suspicious of all the professional made-in-China ceramic ribbon appeals, all the raising-awareness puffery, and all the obviously errant nonsense, such as the idea that pouring a bucket of water over your head will cure a disease. Many of the scandals concerning the alligator-shoe boys and girls in charge of old and famous charities diverting great sums of donated funds to themselves appear to be real.
But here we have an immediate and local challenge which can be met by immediate and local solutions. Each year we all give to assist local school and out-of-school youth programs such as band, FFA, soccer, choir, baseball and softball leagues, and others. Let us add seatbelts to the mix. Seatbelts don’t make music, raise cows, kick field goals, sing prettily, or hit home runs, but they are nifty in their ability to save the lives of the children who do.
Let us look forward to seatbelt barbecues, seatbelt parking-lot sales, seatbelt dinners, seatbelt carwashes, seatbelt raffles, seatbelt bingo games, seatbelt bake sales, and seatbelt something-a-thons, all organized by local people whom we know and trust, not by out-of-town profit-professionals who take a cut.
Seatbelts, as unexciting as they are, are so much happier to think about than grave markers.
-30-
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
An Unscheduled Existential Stop - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
An Unscheduled Existential Stop
Worn-out old khakis, old shirt, and old shoes
Coffee maker singing its matins and lauds
Sunlight falling through the air like a yawn
A book left open from the night before
The cat posing prettily in the window
Pretending to be wholly unimpressed
By tasty hummingbirds beyond the glass
This Saturday of no expectations
When the best clothes for this holiday are
Worn-out old khakis, old shirt, and old shoes
Friday, March 25, 2016
The Mysterious Closed Maybe and Unclosed Maybe Interstate - a three-dot column
Mack Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com
The Mysterious Closed Maybe and Unclosed Maybe Interstate
This was all on the ‘net, and so must be true:
In Glen Rose, Texas a young mother stuffed her two-year-old into an oven and began cooking the infant.
Well, hey, it’s all about family, right?
But then the evil State intruded, and trampled all over the mother’s parental rights by saving the baby’s life.
+++
The leader of the Cuban protest group Ladies in White, Berta Soler, was invited to meet with President Obama. She was arrested hours before his plane landed, and so won’t be available for a chat.
“We’re filling out the forms now. We haven’t decided if [she] suffered a heart attack or died while trying to escape.” – not exactly Casablanca
+++
At a campaign rally a famous radio guy called a small boy to him and told the audience that the boy had been fasting one day a week for a correct outcome to the election.
Really? Parents are allowing a child to fast? Give that kid a sandwich and then a bumper sticker for his tricycle.
Fasting is an optional religious discipline for healthy adults. A healthy adult’s duty is to see that his child takes good nutrition every day.
+++
The Washington Examiner reports that Google has been involved in trying to overthrow the government of Syria. William Randolph Hearst, thou should be living at this hour.
+++
China is buying American companies, one after another. Maybe including Google. Well, that’s all right, as a nation of inspirational singer-songwriter-webinators we don’t need jobs, right?
+++
There’s a fellow in New York who, for a thousand dollars, will raise you from the dead. And, yes, he is his own church, with a 501C and everything.
Okay, how do you arrange for your resurrection with this guy? Do you pay in advance, or do you make a really long, long distance call after you’ve gone to your temporary reward? Is there time to pop down to the nearest ATM?
+++
Much praise of and gratitude to local first responders, local churches, and local individuals who quietly gave much in time and money to help the flood victims. They didn’t ask for praise or gratitude, but then they are not into me, me, me-ness.
As for that multi-national that was given so much radio time – nah.
+++
And, finally, a local ghost story, or perhaps one of those Unsolved Mysteries moments: Is Interstate 10 at the Texas / Louisiana border open? Is it closed? Is one lane open? Are two lanes open? In which direction? Says who? By what authority? How can anyone know?
Maybe New York’s tax-exempt resurrection guy can tell us. For a thousand bucks. Around a crystal ball: “Late at night, when the moon is full, on lonely roads along the Sabine River you might see a ghostly white Texas Department of Transportation pickup truck being pursued by dim, flickering lights…”
-30-
Not-So-Wildflowers - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Not-So-Wildflowers
Wildflowers are not really wild, you know
They are not forward like catalogue blooms
Demanding the best seats in the garden
And the most delicate of drinks and soils
Wildflowers smile softly, sweetly at the sun
Shy fairy-folk of forest, field, and fen
Dancing through the warm mid-year months and then
Withdrawing quietly at summer’s end
Like children yawning, and wanting their beds -
Wildflowers are not really wild, you know
Monday, March 14, 2016
Should Chocolate Candy Boss You Around? - a frivolity
Mack Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com
Should Chocolate Candy Boss You Around?
In life there are many occasions when individuals are subject to instruction: parents and teachers help guide children in their growing up, the State of Texas regulates traffic for the greater good (although one notes that the drivers of those big Texas Department of Transportation pickup trucks often seem to exhibit a cavalier attitude about speed, turn signals, and lane choices), and ministers lead the faithful in observance of religious teachings. The mature adult accepts all this.
Except TXDOT. What is it with them?
However, being lectured by a bit of foil-wrapped chocolate is too much.
For years now some living rooms have been decorated with directives instead of attractive pictures, nanny-ish signs reading “Love God and Do What Thou Wilt,” “Live, Love, and be Happy,” “Dance as if No One Were Watching,” and other Mary Poppins-esque precepts.
Now we’re being nagged by chocolates through theological and philosophical treatises printed inside the wrappers.
Here are some recent examples, with appropriate human responses:
V. Revive the art of conversation.
R. At a Donald Trump rally?
V. Give someone a compliment.
R. After verifying with an attorney that said compliment is not sexist, racist, LGBT-ist, or culturally insensitive.
V. Watch more cartoons.
R. Chuck Jones as John Keats?
V. Why not?
R. You first – why?
V. Treat Tuesday as Friday.
R. Participate in the Stations of the Cross, have a fishburger, and then attend a football game?
V. Keep them guessing.
R. Keep whom guessing? About what? Why?
V. Be more loquacious. Start with learning the word loquacious.
R. Just what we need, a smart-mouthed chocolate with a dictionary.
V. Kiss and tell.
R. No gentleman tells.
V. Solve arguments with a dance off.
R. Imagine Rommel and Montgomery doing the tango. In bikinis.
V. Stay up until the sunrise.
R. Folks on the night shift always stay up until the sunrise and later. What’s your point?
V. Lend an ear and a chocolate.
R. I come to bury Caesar, not to fatten him.
V. Get dressed up with no place to go.
R. You wear a cartoon tee to church. What do you call dressed up?
V. Choose less ordinary.
R. Given the loopiness of our times, the ordinary is probably a better choice.
V. Give them something to talk about.
R. Why? Adults choose their own topics of conversation. You’re not it.
So what are all these sugar-sodden orders-of-the-day about? Has Hershey re-defined itself as a church? Is Nestle channeling the Dalai Lama? Are the Dove people receiving telepathic commands from Obi Wan Kenobi? Will Cadbury’s do counseling, hypno-therapy, and weddings?
Many people complain that certain government agencies have become unconstitutionally authoritarian. Evidence suggests, however, that is seasonal candies who have gotten a bit too pushy. Maybe it’s time we put those pushy treats in their place: “Get ‘em out! Yeah, that Baby Ruth. And the Mars Bar. That’s right, get ‘em out! Gettttt ‘em out…!”
But all the humans should be nicer to each other. TXDOT, especially, needs a hug.
-30-
Thursday, March 10, 2016
A Baton, but no Orchestra - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
A Baton, but no Orchestra
Majestic in their yellow-painted shields
Imperious trumping traffic lights command
Through glares of green and red, and garish orange
Obedience in all the traffic below
How sad - there is no traffic to command
Though once there was, before the lordly lights
Were lifted up: a little town was here
With pharmacies, feed stores, hardware, and cafes
And a movin’-picture show. All gone now.
And then the state put up the traffic lights
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Frost on the Windshield - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Frost on the Windshield
Poor Kirbyville is mostly closed this morning
The cinder-block bakery is empty
And the only fast-foodery’s not yet open
Its neon tubes still dark against the stars
But the stop ‘n’ rob is busy enough
The gas pumps serving as anchorages
For trucks and boats, some headed to the lake
After taking on coffee and gasoline
And sausage-biscuits greased and slammed, and wrapped
In yellow paper of such painful sadness
Mhall46184@aol.com
Frost on the Windshield
Poor Kirbyville is mostly closed this morning
The cinder-block bakery is empty
And the only fast-foodery’s not yet open
Its neon tubes still dark against the stars
But the stop ‘n’ rob is busy enough
The gas pumps serving as anchorages
For trucks and boats, some headed to the lake
After taking on coffee and gasoline
And sausage-biscuits greased and slammed, and wrapped
In yellow paper of such painful sadness
Monday, March 7, 2016
No Barbaric Yawps, Please - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
No Barbaric Yawps, Please
Nobody writes poetry anymore
With patience gentling iambs into place
As if they were jewels set into a crown
Or Aves whispered through the Rosary
Nobody writes poetry anymore
Crafting images with a workman’s skill
(or bashing them through ‘prentice clumsiness!)
And shyly dreaming them into the world
Common nobility common to all -
Nobody writes poetry anymore
Attack of the Killer Cocktail Sombreros - op-ed
Lawrence Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com
Attack of the Killer Cocktail Sombreros
Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain is one of the most admirable people in history. As a 34-year-old professor at Maine’s Bowdoin College he was beyond military age in 1862 but decided to enlist in the 20th Maine Infantry because of his profound belief in freedom for all.
Chamberlain is best known for his leadership in the Battle of Gettysburg. Surrounded and almost defeated by the 15th Alabama during a fierce battle among rocks and trees, with few remaining men still able to fight and out of ammunition, Chamberlain did something quite illogical – he ordered a bayonet charge, which saved the Union position. Unlike Viet-Nam era generals, who led from radios in air-conditioned bunkers, or modern generals, armed with pearl-handled resumes’, who lead from luxurious executive jets, Chamberlain led from the front.
In an era of theatrical facial hair sculpturing, Chamberlain adorned himself with a death-or-glory moustache that Asterix the Gaul might find a bit too much. General Chamberlain’s ‘stache all by itself could have frightened some of the Confederates on Round Top into surrendering.
Chamberlain fought in numerous battles, and was awarded the Medal of Honor, small compensation for the pain, infections, and operations he suffered all his life from multiple wounds.
After the war, Chamberlain served as governor of Maine and then as president of Bowdoin College. Chamberlain was not a backslapping fund-raiser; he also taught, at different times, every subject in the curriculum except science and mathematics.
In 1880, as commander of the militia, Chamberlain was called upon to resolve violence in the state capital of Augusta due to a contested election. He and his men ejected armed occupiers from the capitol and kept the peace for twelve days until the Maine supreme court made a ruling. On one occasion during this near-rebellion he faced down a mob that was determined to reoccupy the state house and kill him. He turned down bribes offered by both sides, being a man of honor instead of a deal-maker, and that was the end of his political career.
Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain died in 1914, honored for his courage, gallantry, and love of freedom.
Bowdoin College, another of Chamberlain’s great loves, does not at present appear to love freedom as much as he did. Students are being punished, and might be expelled, over sombreros.
Sombreros.
The putative objects of cultural appropriation and hurt-feelingness are not even real sombreros, but rather 2-3” party decorations, surely made in China, which a couple of giddy lads balanced on top of their heads after an encounter with a few glasses of merriment several weeks ago.
Perhaps the decorations should have been little homburgs, derbys, top hats, Prussian picklehauben, berets, trilbys, busbys, fedoras, fezes, kepis, kippahs, tams, tarbooshes, turbans, Mao caps, hoodies, cowboy hats, Irish walking hats, or workers’ hard hats. But wait – possibly neither the administration nor the students at progressive Bowdoin have any familiarity with workers’ hard hats.
Bowdoin’s administration collapsed tearfully into full Aunt Pittypat smelling-salts mode while accusations of cultural bias and the We Want Answers thing flew through the clean Maine air like General Pendleton’s cannon fire over the wheat fields at Gettysburg.
Yet the college did not cancel its annual Cold War party (that Stalin – what a fun guy) the same night of the attack of the cocktail sombreros, nor did the cafeteria modify its Mexican day menu the same week.
As a teenager applying to Bowdoin, Chamberlain needed help in prepping his knowledge of Greek and Latin, since the mastery of both was required for admission. Now, one supposes, young Chamberlain would have to demonstrate proficiency
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Not a Good Comrade - poem
Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com
Not a Good Comrade
No man is free if he gives up himself
And disappears into sad howlingness
Subsumed in sinking, shrieking subservience
Thrall-teed in the overseer’s livery
A label on a shabby baseball cap
A programmed pixel smeared across a screen
A rusty caltrop cast into the road
A shifted pea under a shuffled thimble
As crowd, as mass, as demographic noise -
No man is free if he yields up himself
Thursday, March 3, 2016
The Eye of Sauron is Upon Us - op-ed
Mack Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com
The Eye of Sauron is Upon Us
There are frightened little men who in their feverish brains see conspiracies in everything: your license plate number is a secret code imposed by the Masonic-Vatican-IRS Continuum so that unmarked Canadian helicopters can track you, Queen Elizabeth is a diabolic lizard warrior in disguise, fluoride is a Communist mind-control drug, traffic signals beam your image and DNA to the Martian outpost on the dark side of the moon, and algebra is the language of Satan.
Well, okay, that bit about algebra being satanic is true.
But that Solomon’s Temple was a cleverly disguised alien spaceship, well, no. Sorry.
After Justice Scalia died several weeks ago, the mansies who live in their allotted gigabytes cluttered the planet’s microwave signals with fantasies about Justice Scalia being a member of a golly-gee-super-secret-girl-haters-blood-cult called The International Order of Saint Hubert.
Well, the International Order of Saint Hubert really exists, and it is so secret that it has a web site: http://www.iosh-usa.com/.
Justice Scalia was not a member of the International Order of Saint Hubert, which is no more significant than the fact that he was not a member of the Rotary Club and did not have a Barnes & Noble discount card.
The IOSH is indeed a hunting fraternity, one with a long and remarkable history, including the fact that its Grand Whatever was murdered by the Nazis because he wouldn’t let Hermann Goering join.
Here are the conspiracies carried out by the Order of Saint Hubert:
To promote sportsmanlike conduct in hunting and fishing
To foster good fellowship among sportsmen from all over the world
To teach and preserve sound traditional hunting and fishing customs
To encourage wildlife conservation and to help protect endangered species from extinction
To promote the concept of hunting and fishing as an intangible cultural heritage of humanity
To endeavor to ensure that the economic benefits derived from sports hunting and fishing support the regions where these activities are carried out
To strive to enhance respect for responsible hunters and fishermen
Wow. Scary stuff, huh?
The values of the International Order of Saint Hubert are not at all different from Justice Scalia’s equally exclusive club to which many of us belong, the Hunting Brotherhood of Grandpa’s Old J.C. Higgins Shotgun.
There is a Saint Hubert, whose conversion story is worth reading. He is the patron saint of hunters, mathematicians, opticians, and metalworkers.
Not a bad fellowship, that.
And, after all, mathematicians are in special need of our prayers.
-30-
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
How Lovely Not to be in Jail Tonight - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
How Lovely Not to be in Jail Tonight
How lovely not to be in jail tonight
And have to share a small and smelly space
Under an eternal fluorescent light
With a dude who don’t like yer race or yer face
How grand to have a bed that’s long enough
With sheets and pillows and blankets all clean
And not a bare mattress sour-stained and rough
Against a wall of cinder blocks in green
And howlings from a soul who has lost life’s fight -
How thankful not to be in jail tonight
Snakes are on the Move - op-ed
Mack Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com
Snakes are on the Move
Snakes are on the move. I saw my first snake of the spring in my yard the other day. He was a white male of medium height, bald or shaven-headed, aged 50-60, and hadn’t missed any meals lately. He slithered onto the property in a really primo, perhaps new Dodge Ram double-cab pickup, light-colored, with no signs or markings on the side. The security camera was a little fuzzy about the numbers.
And, yes, he, he began with that decades-old script of “We just finished a project over there, and…”
“No.”
“…leftover asphalt…”
“No.”
“I gather you’ve had a bad experience with…”
“No.”
You just can’t get into a conversation with fast-talking snakes; they know all sorts of forked-tongue-in-the-door responses and dodges and come-ons.
You probably know his cousin, that electronic attorney in Nigeria who is handling the estate of a distant relative you didn’t know you had who died and left you all his money if you will only give your bank numbers and…
No.
As the weather grows warmer more reptiles will infest the yard at the front door with their magazine subscriptions (“I’m working my way through college”), the man or woman looking at you through your window in the night and asking to use your phone, the carloads of committees with their strange little booklets decorated with crude drawings of the saved and unsaved, with poorly-written theses only a few brain synapse misfires away from those of the strange little men who assure you that the Second Temple was really an alien spaceship based on a technology that the lizard-something federal government doesn’t want you to know about, and the miscellaneous peddlers who begin with abject pleas of assistant which morph quickly into implied threats as their eyes dart about looking for whatever objects might be quickly picked up on a later visit when you’re not home.
And when you don’t buy their magazines or firewood or ideologies they sometimes tell you that you don’t love Jesus, and that Jesus wouldn’t turn away a poor man down on his luck, so down on his luck that he owns a better car than you do.
All this is only an annoyance for most of us, but for the more vulnerable the cold-blooded can be a real threat, both physical and emotional. Remembering those who are vulnerable helps you say no, and remembering those who have suffered tough times and sought out honest work helps you say no to the wandering opportunists looking for a victim.
Yup, the weather is warming up, and the snakes are beginning to move.
-30-
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Murus Durus - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Someone asked if I could write a poem about a classroom wall:
Murus Durus
It’s hard to snuggle up to concrete blocks
Even when they’re layered in pastel paint
And fitted with a door (though no one knocks)
And high, thin windows rather cute and quaint
They make four walls that wrap us all around
To keep the warmth within, the cold without
And hold the roof up there, far off the ground
So all is cozy in our cool hangout
But though this space is nice, and even rocks -
It’s hard to snuggle up to concrete blocks
And Would You Hand Me My Cigarettes? - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
And Would You Hand Me My Cigarettes?
Idleness should be an honored vocation
Practiced by layabouts and slugabeds
For whom Bertie Wooster is perfection
And merry old Sergeant Schultz a hero
For good folk, dawn is only a rumor
And the concept of work an obscenity
No gentleman ever takes exercise
The only weight he lifts is his coffee cup
In amused salute to passing joggers:
Idleness should be an honored vocation
Monday, February 15, 2016
What Are You Giving Up For Lent? - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
What are you giving up for Lent?
What are you giving up for Lent?
Well?
What?
Catholics. Maybe we should give up Catholics:
The me-me-support-me Catholics
More Catholic than we can ever be
Catholics more Catholic than anyone
Those clever keyboard commando Catholics
What are you giving up for Lent?
Adjectives, sure, but nothing Catholic
"World Economy in Death Spiral" - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
“World Economy in Death Spiral”
In cold and slanting February light
A poor tenacious leaf gives up at last
And spirals down in the northering wind
Around and down onto the sorrowing earth
Where backyard cats in their thick winter coats
Fence-sit and catch a few dignified rays
While Astrid-the-Dachshund in circles yaps
In ground-bound outrage
In cold and slanting February light
The world still spirals as it always has
Unconnected Mutterings in Search of a Thesis - op-ed maybe
Mack Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com
Unconnected Mutterings in Search of a Thesis
Meryl Streep, who has won three Academy Awards ™, complains that that the Academy Awards™ are unfairly dominated by white males. Apparently not winning four Academy Awards™ makes her a victim.
+++
The New York Post says that hundreds of army dogs who served in combat were dumped when they were no longer useful. Well, that’s pretty much what the federal government does with human veterans.
+++
Whole Foods (are there Incomplete Foods?) is / are rumored to be considering adding tattoo parlors to help make buying cereal for the kids a more Bucket ‘O’ Blood Saloon experience. Where would a grocery store site the disfigurement kiosk? Next to the vegetables?
+++
The arcana of caucuses / cauci, delegates, pledged delegates, superdelegates, hissy-fits falsely labelled as debates, electors, and the electoral college suggests that maybe our democracy is no more evolved than a riot among paleolithic cave clans. Or English soccer fans.
+++
We read on the little plastic box that lights up and makes noises that the late Justice Antonin Scalia was pronounced deceased via the telephone. Over the telephone? Really? Over the telephone? One hopes this report is an error.
Determination of death by telephone – so there’s an ap for that?
Given that the passing of a supreme court justice was verified and adjudicated so casually, one can only wonder how lesser folk in Presidio County are disposed of at the end of their earthly pilgrimage.
Reverend Mike Alcuino of the parish church Santa Teresa de Jesus administered the last rites to Judge Scalia. Not over the telephone.
+++
What’s with all the geriatric candidates at the top of the trash heap this election cycle? All those old people kvetching at each other sound as if they should be down at the local Denny’s complaining about everything over their senior specials. Just like me.
+++
Finally, in a month of continued wars, hunger, violence, economic collapse, refugee disasters, and the existential agony of Kanye and Taylor, this cri de coeur must be heard as a cri-without-borders cri for the cri-less: what cruel, villainous wretch thought up the spelling for “February?”
-30-
Sunday, February 7, 2016
I and II Casseroles - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
I and II Casseroles
Mrs. Cohen and Mrs. Ionas
Slipped quietly out of the women’s side
Of the old Corinthian synagogue
To set out casseroles and pita bread
And left Saint Paul speaking mostly to men
And to those silly young women who might
Have lifted a finger to help, but no
I just don’t know what’s wrong with girls these days
But then - that’s what my mother said about me
It’ll be okay. And do we have enough cups?
The Chinese Groundhog Flips its Shadow - op-ed kinda /sorta
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
The Chinese Groundhog Flips its Shadow
Americans are a people of faith. We believe that if a bunch of old drunks wearing frock coats and shabby top hats roust a rodent out of its sleep the Cincinnati Patriots will win the SuperDooperBowl. Or something.
If a presidential candidate sees his shadow he or she wins the Iowa caucus, whether or not he wants a caucus, and then there are four more weeks of winter because the Chinese bought the groundhog and all rights, copyrights, and patents appertaining thereunto, and, like, stuff.
Groundhogs from China crumble in the sunlight, you know. They just don’t make groundhogs like they used to, nossirree Bob and Chang.
No one is quite sure what a caucus is. Is it one of those spacecraft-looking coffee makers, or is it some sort of prize that can be pinned to a corkboard next the children’s 4H awards?
In Iowa delegates to the summer political conventions are chosen by people moving about in groups, possibly a Hegelian melding of chess and dodgeball (please note that Ford and Chevy people never play dodgeball). This confusion is said to constitute a caucus, just like it says in the Constitution.
Some six Iowa precincts were declared to have tied results, which is remarkable, and the ties were broken and delegates chosen by tossing coins, which is even more remarkable.
More remarkable still is that six different coins in six different precincts chose delegates for the same candidate. Maybe the coins were texting each other via unsecured servers.
The Grassy Knollistas were quick to challenge the coins’ citizenship. Were they natural-minted coins? Were any of them from, say, Canada? Is our next president being chose by a perfidious foreign Looney or Tooney and not by a God-fearing, Yankee-Doodle Susan B. Anthony?
Who would have thought that coins were permitted to vote?
If coins can decide the results of elections, then they can determine the outcome of football games. After the playing of the National Anthem, the referees, coaches, team captains, and other members of the 1% meet in the multi-million-dollar stadium paid for by working people with proper jobs, and the anointed flamen flips the sacred coin into the air, asking the gods of earth, water, fire, air, and four bars of connectivity to pick a winner.
And so it comes to pass, but not with a pass.
One team sulks and demands an instant replay, the other team sprays fizzy-water from Flint, Michigan about wastefully, and everyone goes home with his neuromuscular systems intact.
Everyone takes away a Chinese tee reading “I Survived SuperDooperBowl L” and featuring a graphic of a groundhog voting because, after all, this is what the lads suffered and died for at Valley Forge.
-30-
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Christmas Lights in February - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
(Of indolence I have not taken down the lights on the back porch. Louisiana ‘Cajun acquaintances advise me that adding a few purple and gold ribbons transforms Christmas lights into Mardi Gras lights.)
Christmas Lights in February
Lingering lights, bright Christmas lights, aglow
In merry defiance of the darkness
As winter closes in for the chill
Tiny colored lights in repudiation
Of the joyless censorship of place and time
A triumph of kitsch over criticism
A charming waste of non-renewables
A celebration of the ephemeral
Since celebration is itself eternal -
Lingering lights, bright Christmas lights, aglow
Friday, February 5, 2016
Descent - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Descent
The moon has not yet risen above the trees
Nor has the frost yet fallen upon the fields
January stars, blue, brilliant, and cold
Halo an aircraft marked in flickering lights
Every seat-back standing at attention
Lap straps fastened, tray tables locked away
Attendants making a last litter patrol
“The temperature in Houston tonight is…”
An old canvas bag on the carousel
And who will be waiting at the exit?
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Cleopatra's Royal Barge - op-ed
Lawrence Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com
Queen Cleopatra’s Royal Barge
Palace courtiers are even now ensuring that their next master will be presented with yet another Imperial Death Star upon his or her earthly apotheosis. There are already some seven or eight cars (“limousine” is a low-prole usage) in the presidential harem, but court functionaries know how important it is to keep the Grandissimus Supreme Sultan, Republican or Democrat, entertained with newer and more expensive toys and luxuries.
Just why any president should swan about in a Wal-Mart-size sled that even the sleaziest drug dealer would dismiss for its vulgarity eludes the thoughtful citizen of this republic.
The answer, known to office-gnomes throughout history, is that without expensive diversions the sultan-aspirant might have time to remember that he was elected to be the servant of the people, not their all-knowing, all-wise, all-this-and-that autocrat, and begin to wonder why he is obscured by a cloud of unctuous briefcase carriers and door openers.
The recent history of the presidency indicates clearly what a psychological god-emperor temptation the White House is. Early in every election cycle each candidate drifts into referring to himself in that pompous first-person-plural – “we” instead of “I.” Already he is / they are anticipating sitting in the big chair behind the big desk, playing with the little buttons that light up and summon the servants.
A true queen, king, bishop, prince, emperor, or other noble personage employs the first-person-plural only when speaking officially, not otherwise. The Queen says “we” when giving a speech from the throne, but at all other times remembers the “I.” The distinction is lost on the not-so-humble successors to the humble rail-splitter, Honest Abe.
No recent president has seemed to avoid confusing self with state, and none has cried “Away with this bauble!” (Oliver Cromwell was a regicide, a mass-murderer, and a genocidal maniac, but this one quotation from him is useful) when presented with fleets of giant flying palaces and show-off automobiles, and battalions of Praetorians and Streltsy (some of them sober).
No presidential candidate has promised abstinence from courtiers and palaces and toys and the arrogance of power. Not even the Socialist candidate has said he will forswear the presidential fripperies paid for by the sweat of the workers he purports to love.
In Ye Olden Days a Roman emperor on his inauguration was said to have been assigned a functionary to whisper constantly a repeated caution during the procession. The phrase might be loosely translated as “Man, you ain’t no thing; you’re just a guy who’s going to die like everyone else, so don’t get the big head.”
If that is not true, it ought to be, and it ought to be true now.
And the first thing the new president should do is get rid of all the Queen Cleopatra-ish royal barges as part of his first duty – to remain connected with humanity.
-30-
Sunday, January 31, 2016
For Otto Rene Castillo - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
For Otto Rene Castillo
“…and there burned away in them…tenderness and life”
From “Intelectuales Apoliticos”
Translated by Rev. Raphael Barousse, OSB
Cloud-castles swirl among the mountain peaks
While lower down the jaguar rules and roars
And lower still, along a dusty road
A benevolence of United Fruit
The army burns a broken man to death
His final scream a hymn of victory
Ascending with the sacred smoke and ash
As incense over the altars of the poor
A blessing on the land of eternal spring
Hope swirling down like clouds from the mountain peaks
Friday, January 29, 2016
A Proletarian Fellowship of Death - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
A Proletarian Fellowship of Death
To have been lost in Indo-China is
A core, a center asymmetrical
Perhaps a hinge, or some other weary
Metaphor for one’s life, a series of
Experiences in no time without time
Frivolous merriment and satanic horrors
Which have led or misled, influenced, moved,
Inspired, infected, focused, fuzzed
Almost every thought, intent, act, motion
That can be credited or discredited
To those of us who were in confusion there
And who have come to realize or been made
To realize this late in life that all -
All - is predicated on murders and lies
And wearing Sauron’s ring has compromised
Any claim of “Gott Mit Uns” or "S nami Bog."
Thus, given that much of one’s life is an exile -
A village shunning, an embarrassment
A stumbling memento mori denied
A former person who should go away -
One question now remains:
What’s for breakfast?
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
For Ngo Dinh Diem - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
For Ngo Dinh Diem
No flame eternal burns over your lost grave
Unknown beneath an hourly parking lot
Or maybe out back among the garbage cans
No guards of honor pace in mirrored boots
Forth and back in mummery choreographed
Along a field of honor’s concrete walk
No busloads of tourists leave gift-shop wreaths
No bands or speeches mark your martyrdom
Nor would you need them
Nor would you want them
For your small flame is on an Altar set
Unfinished Lines - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Unfinished Lines
January is an unfinished line
An incomplete cover judged by its book
A door ajar, a mislaid fountain pen
Unanswered letters bound with rubber bands
Or stacked and listed on a little screen
A chessboard king still menaced and in check
Wandering iambics not yet sorted out
Unfinished business from Porlock Parva -
January is but a fragment of
A life still littered with unfinished lines
Monday, January 25, 2016
Axioma Vulgare - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Axioma Vulgare
The stars benignly shine upon the earth
And earth is not alien to itself
Yu-Kiang cannot deny his purpose
Flora cannot do other than follow the sun
That which is true cannot be nothingness
And emptiness tapping upon dim planes
In a closed autophagous loop of lies
Celebrates only hollow inversions
Truth, beauty, and goodness are eternal
And stars benignly shine upon the earth
Because the Queen is More Powerful than the King? - column
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Because the Queen is More Powerful than the King?
“I want no more thinking!”
-Henry V in Jean Anouilh’s Becket
A grand mufti in Saudi Arabia has banned chess as antithetical to purity of thought and good order in the family-owned tyranny – hardly a true kingdom – that has spent the last eighty years suppressing numerous ancient nations and tribal groups all over the Arabian peninsula.
But one can understand his point. The idolatrous spectacle of millions of people all over the world obsessing on chess matches is an embarrassment to the right-minded. Fans have been known to riot over chess team identification and send seriously rude twoots and tweets to others for wearing the wrong chess team ball caps and tees. Chess championships often end with supporters of the winning team sneering at two-cylinder Fiats and torching Starbucks coffee cups in designated campfire areas.
Disreputable young people who play chess often lurk in well-lit libraries and try to intimidate other pawn-slingers by wearing those menacing hipster hats and speaking in complete sentences. Scary.
And then there’s the foul language common to chess thugs – saying “en passant” is not acceptable behavior in public, and “queen to queen’s pawn four” might qualify as hate speech.
America pretty much shuts down for the National Chess League’s Superboard Sunday. Friends and families gather over garden salads and gluten-free 10% whole-rice croissants to whisper enthusiastically for their favorite teams.
During advertising breaks the high demand for beverages has been known to collapse cappuccino machines.
This year’s half-time show will feature the cast of Big Bang Theory performing the provocative Dance of the Seven Slide Rules. Let’s just hope Bob Newhart doesn’t suffer a wardrobe malfunction.
Thank goodness the world has the super-civilized Family Saud to stop the blood-crazed madness of chess and guide humanity in the paths of righteousness and clean living through arbitrary edicts and mass executions.
Now that chess has been banned, no doubt the grand mufti will next investigate Candyland and Scrabble for treasonable sentiments.
One can only imagine the mentality of an old dude with a beard that looks like it was culled from Donald Trump’s hairpiece sitting around and finding evil and dirty-mindness in board games.
We have people like that here, of course, but Old Ms. Grundy can’t have anyone’s head chopped off.
And what, really, is a mufti, grand or otherwise? Is there a baby grand mufti that you could stand in a bay window for impressing the neighbors?
Yes, chess offends the grand mufti; indeed, it frightens him because chess requires thinking. Once people start thinking, tyrants start trembling on their stolen thrones.
-30-
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Humility Unbidden - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Humility Unbidden
Humility comes upon us when it will
Bidding us rise from ill-remembered dreams
To pace the darkness in a Tenebrae
Of guttering candles in irregular sequence
Those false expectations now burning low
That only punctuate a forlorn night
And give humanity neither warmth nor light
In the clock-ticking hours of nothingness
When even the pillows seem exhausted -
Humility comes upon us when it will
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Road Breakfast - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Road Breakfast
Greasy spoons are a little too clean these days
After the sweet incense of cigarette smoke
Was purged by a Vatican II of health
Along with the morning paper. It’s all
Plastic tablets and gourmet coffees now
Multi-colored packets of chemicals
Flatware in little cellophane envelopes
Bright cartoon tees instead of stained work shirts
Cross-trainers where muddy boots used to rest -
Greasy spoons are just too d****d clean these days
Ella's Unicorns - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Ella’s Unicorns
There is no reason why pale unicorns
Should not cavort in frosty fields at night
Or dragons play around the moonlit pond
Annoying the naughty naiads bathing there
For startime is the magic dreamy time
When flowers and leaves are given whispering speech
And laughing faeries flit from tree to tree
In games of hide-and-seek until the dawn
The world would be strange without unicorns
Cavorting in the frosty fields at night
Monday, January 18, 2016
Nancy Drew, Multi-Cultural Young Person Detective - essay
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Nancy Drew, Multi-Cultural Young Person Detective
CBS Entertainment president Glenn Geller, channeling Sir Roderick Spode and the Black Shorts, has decreed that the new Nancy Drew, girl detective, must meet specific racial criteria in adherence to the zeitgeist.
Geller-Spode’s thesis is that Nancy Drew can be of any ethnicity except Caucasian, whatever Caucasian is. And who decides? On what basis? Is one drop of inferior franco-russo-italo-hispano-anglo-and-stuff blood toxic enough to taint out of existence the possibility of a young actress with the wrong genetic coding being banned from ever dashing about in Nancy’s little blue roadster?
A photograph of Mr. Geller, a seriously white dude, indicates that by the standards he imposes on others he is not racially qualified for his job. And that he needs to shave. Really. It’s like he’s trying to be Leonardo’s bear.
Just what the world needs, another white man giving everyone else orders about gender and culture. Maybe like the Oscars™ nominating committee.
Hollywood auditions may now demand DNA tests and the scientific measurement of knees.
And must Nancy Drew be, well, a girl at all? Couldn’t a transgendered Bill Cosby qualify?
CBS has not yet said whether a birth certificate from a government hospital in Calgary will be a disqualifier. A fear greater than the peril of Caucasiananityness is that someone’s blood might be irreparably contaminated by a soupcon (that’s, like, French, y’know) of Tim Horton’s coffee.
Be on the alert for any signs of The Northern Peril, citizens! Nancy might seem like a good Yankee Doodle American teenager, but has she ever been heard to end a sentence with that imperialist “eh,” eh? Does she sometimes whisper “Je me souviens” when she think’s no one’s listening? If so, confiscate her junior detective notebook immediately and escort her to the nearest block warden post of The Black Shorts. The Ottawa-Dawson Axis must be contained. They can see Alaska from The Yukon, you know.
Word on that metaphorical street is that a Texas attorney will demand that the Supreme Court rule on whether Nancy Drew is really a Hardy Boy in denial.
Nancy Drew’s next adventure is to discover just what that thing lurking on Donald Trump’s head is.
The Clinton campaign underestimated Nancy Drew.
The President is said to have said “If you like your Nancy Drew, you can keep your Nancy Drew.”
Donald Trump proclaimed “I’ll make Nancy Drew great again!” Senator Cruz rebutted him with “My opponent represents Nancy Drew values, while I represent Trixie Belden values!”
And if ya think all that’s weird – though not as weird as this election cycle – wait until CBS transforms Hank the Cow Dog into Fluffy the Vegetarian Persian Kitty.
And let the people say “Icon.”
-30-
Sunday, January 17, 2016
The Yet-Again Catholic Literary Revival That's Really, Really Going to Take Off This Year - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
The Yet-Again Catholic Literary Revival
That’s Really, Really Going to Take off This Year
There’s more to Catholic poetry than
Nailing an adverb to a crucifix
Repeatedly troping from the Inklings
And claiming a circlet of preciousness
There’s more to Catholic prose than me-ness
Setting one’s self in a My Middle-Earth
Clutching a rosary of first-person pronouns
And What I Learned From shallow allusions
The revival will begin when Catholics
Write about others, not about themselves
Friday, January 15, 2016
Romantic Arctic Frogs - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Romantic Arctic Frogs
Are frogs cold-blooded? Or merely stupid?
A freeze tonight – and they’re playing Cupid!
Monday, January 11, 2016
Coins and Raindrops - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Coins and Raindrops
There is much to be said for January:
The barn coat in whose pockets you find coins
Left over from a coffee run last year
Spare change from the last chilly day of spring
Dark-webbing trees framing rain-heavy clouds
As fragments of a painting never finished
By an artist of the mind dreaming through
His afternoon walk among expectations
That need not be fulfilled this side of dusk -
There is much to be said for January
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Closing the Air France Loophole
Mack Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com
Closing the Air France Loophole
“We are glad the Dauphin is so pleasant with us.”
- Henry V
Should Air France be required to apply for a federal firearms license?
In 2014 Air France delivered an American He(ck)fire missile to those merry mass murderers the Castro brothers in Cuba.
One imagines the cabin attendant on the speaker: “Mesdames et messieurs, welcome aboard Air France Flight 13 to a retrograde Communist state with a human rights record superior to that of North Korea. For those of you in Euphemism Class we have complimentary champagne since in the cargo hold directly below you we’re carrying an American missile, and, gosh, we don’t know how it got there or what it might do. For those of you in Paid-for-by-Your-Corporation-or-Government Class, continue your accustomed denial of proletarian reality.”
The sloppy, ahistorical sentimentality of old comrades has folks wanting to visit Cuba “before it’s ruined.” A He(ck)fire missile could ruin a1956 DeSoto, that’s for sure.
Beyond the creaking old Yank-tank automobiles, Cuba has much to offer the sightseer: Spanish colonial architecture, tobacco and sugar plantations, rum, nightclubs, music, seafood, beaches, and mass graves.
Although Air France delivered the lost or stolen American missile to Cuba two years ago, the most transparent American government in history is only now letting the American people know about it.
But then, a number of people around the world think several American governments have been a bit careless with missiles the past few decades.
Perhaps the empty seat at the State of the Union address will be taken from an Air France plane.
The alligator-shoe boys assure the American people that the missile was not loaded. Coming from the same clever fellows who sacrificed hundreds of innocent Mexican and American lives by giving combat weapons to international drug warlords, this assurance might not be as reliable as one would hope.
There could be another empty seat representing the victims of gangsters armed by the American government.
And maybe another empty chair for those Americans abandoned to their deaths at Benghazi.
When the President appears before the Castro brothers later this year, perhaps he will ask them pretty-please to give the missile back now that the Russians and North Koreans have taken their pictures, measurements, and souvenirs. The Castro brothers might agree, but only if Americans promise to be more careful with their toys because that missile could have shot somebody’s eye out.
And, hey, was anyone with Air France charged under Cuban law for bringing an unregistered weapon into the country?
-30-
Mhall46184@aol.com
Closing the Air France Loophole
“We are glad the Dauphin is so pleasant with us.”
- Henry V
Should Air France be required to apply for a federal firearms license?
In 2014 Air France delivered an American He(ck)fire missile to those merry mass murderers the Castro brothers in Cuba.
One imagines the cabin attendant on the speaker: “Mesdames et messieurs, welcome aboard Air France Flight 13 to a retrograde Communist state with a human rights record superior to that of North Korea. For those of you in Euphemism Class we have complimentary champagne since in the cargo hold directly below you we’re carrying an American missile, and, gosh, we don’t know how it got there or what it might do. For those of you in Paid-for-by-Your-Corporation-or-Government Class, continue your accustomed denial of proletarian reality.”
The sloppy, ahistorical sentimentality of old comrades has folks wanting to visit Cuba “before it’s ruined.” A He(ck)fire missile could ruin a1956 DeSoto, that’s for sure.
Beyond the creaking old Yank-tank automobiles, Cuba has much to offer the sightseer: Spanish colonial architecture, tobacco and sugar plantations, rum, nightclubs, music, seafood, beaches, and mass graves.
Although Air France delivered the lost or stolen American missile to Cuba two years ago, the most transparent American government in history is only now letting the American people know about it.
But then, a number of people around the world think several American governments have been a bit careless with missiles the past few decades.
Perhaps the empty seat at the State of the Union address will be taken from an Air France plane.
The alligator-shoe boys assure the American people that the missile was not loaded. Coming from the same clever fellows who sacrificed hundreds of innocent Mexican and American lives by giving combat weapons to international drug warlords, this assurance might not be as reliable as one would hope.
There could be another empty seat representing the victims of gangsters armed by the American government.
And maybe another empty chair for those Americans abandoned to their deaths at Benghazi.
When the President appears before the Castro brothers later this year, perhaps he will ask them pretty-please to give the missile back now that the Russians and North Koreans have taken their pictures, measurements, and souvenirs. The Castro brothers might agree, but only if Americans promise to be more careful with their toys because that missile could have shot somebody’s eye out.
And, hey, was anyone with Air France charged under Cuban law for bringing an unregistered weapon into the country?
-30-
Liturgical Dance - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Liturgical Dance
The liturgy has always served as dance
Timed to the courteis of the universe
Choreographed with planets, moons, and stars
To celebrate and sing and taste the Truth
Thus every gesture, every careful step
Leaps wildly across the sacred arc of time
And circling ‘round, and ‘round again all meet
In elevation silent within a Cup
But pause and kneel now at the sacring bell:
The liturgy has always been a dance
Mhall46184@aol.com
Liturgical Dance
The liturgy has always served as dance
Timed to the courteis of the universe
Choreographed with planets, moons, and stars
To celebrate and sing and taste the Truth
Thus every gesture, every careful step
Leaps wildly across the sacred arc of time
And circling ‘round, and ‘round again all meet
In elevation silent within a Cup
But pause and kneel now at the sacring bell:
The liturgy has always been a dance
Thursday, January 7, 2016
The Feast of the Epiphany This Year - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
The Feast of the Epiphany This Year
If the Three Kings were to visit today
They’d need the proper paperwork
Passports and visas, and what is the purpose
Of your visit? A check through INTERPOL
A cavity search by rubbery hands
An escort armed with bribes and Kalashnikovs
Through tourists armed with me-phones, selfie sticks
And cardboard chalices, following a Starbuck’s
Searching the East for a wondrous ATM
If the Three Kings were to visit today
Mhall46184@aol.com
The Feast of the Epiphany This Year
If the Three Kings were to visit today
They’d need the proper paperwork
Passports and visas, and what is the purpose
Of your visit? A check through INTERPOL
A cavity search by rubbery hands
An escort armed with bribes and Kalashnikovs
Through tourists armed with me-phones, selfie sticks
And cardboard chalices, following a Starbuck’s
Searching the East for a wondrous ATM
If the Three Kings were to visit today
Sunlight Falling Upon a Cinder Block Wall - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Sunlight Falling Upon a Cinder Block Wall
Each sunrise falls like blessings, slowly down
A wall of lowest-bidder cinder blocks
All pin-striped by long streaks from seasons and storms
And splash-back eaves of indifferent design
Night’s dampness steams away, warmed by the sun
Or drip-drip-drips into the summer grass
There welcomed warm by leaf and stem and earth
As they begin their office of the day
In offering work and praise unto the light -
Each sunrise flows like blessings, softly down
Mhall46184@aol.com
Sunlight Falling Upon a Cinder Block Wall
Each sunrise falls like blessings, slowly down
A wall of lowest-bidder cinder blocks
All pin-striped by long streaks from seasons and storms
And splash-back eaves of indifferent design
Night’s dampness steams away, warmed by the sun
Or drip-drip-drips into the summer grass
There welcomed warm by leaf and stem and earth
As they begin their office of the day
In offering work and praise unto the light -
Each sunrise flows like blessings, softly down
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Bishops on Monastic Retreat - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Bishops on Monastic Retreat
A few spiky mitres among the cowls -
One hopes holy bishops don’t pinch the towels
Mhall46184@aol.com
Bishops on Monastic Retreat
A few spiky mitres among the cowls -
One hopes holy bishops don’t pinch the towels
Octave Sunday - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Octave Sunday
The bishops say this is Epiphany
This silvery-grey Sunday in the Octave
With church ladies clucking over the schedules
Of lectors and servers and commentators
Eucharistic ministers who aren’t here
Are you first cup? Well, I can be. Would you?
And does the Christmas tree come down today?
And monthly luncheon in the hall after Mass
This is all very Ordinary Time but
The bishops say this is Epiphany
Mhall46184@aol.com
Octave Sunday
The bishops say this is Epiphany
This silvery-grey Sunday in the Octave
With church ladies clucking over the schedules
Of lectors and servers and commentators
Eucharistic ministers who aren’t here
Are you first cup? Well, I can be. Would you?
And does the Christmas tree come down today?
And monthly luncheon in the hall after Mass
This is all very Ordinary Time but
The bishops say this is Epiphany
The Coyotes Have Taken the Night Off - poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
The Coyotes Have Taken the Night Off
Winter at last - the night is silent and cold
The moon and stars obscured by clouds all week
Even the coyotes have taken the night off
There is no symbolism; it’s just nice
Mhall46184@aol.com
The Coyotes Have Taken the Night Off
Winter at last - the night is silent and cold
The moon and stars obscured by clouds all week
Even the coyotes have taken the night off
There is no symbolism; it’s just nice
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Contra Julius and Gregory - Poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Contra Julius and Gregory
A year does not fail, because there are no years
There are only seasons dancing through being
The choreography of Creation
Written with meteors dreamed out of stars
And so the first day of January
Is the thirty-second of December
And neither is either or even itself
But only a mark that says left foot forward
Continuing a step from beyond forever
The year does not fail, because there are no years
Mhall46184@aol.com
Contra Julius and Gregory
A year does not fail, because there are no years
There are only seasons dancing through being
The choreography of Creation
Written with meteors dreamed out of stars
And so the first day of January
Is the thirty-second of December
And neither is either or even itself
But only a mark that says left foot forward
Continuing a step from beyond forever
The year does not fail, because there are no years
The Aesthetic Joys of a Calendar with Pictures
Lawrence Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com
The Aesthetic Joys of a Calendar with Pictures
Picture calendars are nice. Facing the new day is easier if the first thing you see is a picture of puppies or sailboats. Otherwise you might be alarmed by looking into the mirror and having to ask yourself “Who is that old man?” A cold, grey dawn is not the time for introspection.
At the bookstores calendars are discounted after the beginning of the new year, and while the dachshunds are all gone you might find some kittens or airplanes or icebergs off Newfoundland. Italian scenes are always popular, although trying to sort out The Leaning Tower of Pisa while waking up could lead to a skewed perception of reality.
Imagine living in Pisa and seeing the leaning tower most every day. You’d be asking yourself if it’s going to fall today, or maybe tomorrow. Maybe you could petition the city council to go ahead and knock it down so no one would have to worry about it ever again. But what would visitors then do for photographs? They’d have to take gag pictures of each other holding up a coffee shop or something.
Beagle puppies are fun. You cannot look at a calendar picture of beagle puppies and not feel optimistic about the coming day at work.
Cats, well, maybe. Cats are decorative, but, really, how much fun are room accessories that might choose to hiss and spit at any time? Soooo Harry Pottery.
In Ye Olden Days the calendars in barracks, fire stations, cop shops, and dorm rooms tended to be of a somewhat, um, frivolous nature. Given the Comrade Grundy grimness of popular culture just now one supposes that Miss April has been taken out and shot, and her amusing image replaced by a collective photograph of diverse assemblies of DNA sternly examining an algebra book for insensitivity and cultural occupation.
The English word “calendar” comes from the Latin word “calends” or “kalends,” originally referring to the first day of the week. It has come to mean the measurement of the solar year for the inconvenience of humans. Really smart people who do thinky-stuff tell us that humans have always constructed calendars – Sumerians, Akkadian, Chinese, Hebrew, Roman, Julian, and Gregorian, among others.
The calendar makes it possible for the left-brained among us to discuss the meteorological significance of the 21st of September as the autumn equinox and the first day of autumn, while the more practical individual simply opens the door to determine whether he will need a coat.
Just before Christmas funeral homes begin giving away Christian calendars marked with all the usual dates and lunar indications as well as religious observances. Thus, beneath “Martyrdom of St. Lawrence” you can write “Men’s Bible Class Barbecue,” and on the occasion of the beheading of St. Thomas More pencil in “Haircut – maybe closer this time.”
A calendar can note a full moon, but it cannot anticipate that the children will run barefoot around the backyard and chase lightnin’ bugs through a long summer dusk while waiting for it to rise. A calendar cannot replicate the hypnotic humming of cicadas under the noonday sun on a still, gaspingly hot day in July, nor can it communicate the joy one feels when, on a 90-degree afternoon in October, the wind suddenly shifts north and blesses the hot, tired earth with the first cool breezes since May.
In old movies a narrative technique to indicate the passing of time was to have an offscreen fan turn the pages of a desk calendar. Life doesn’t really pass that fast, though sometimes it seems that way.
But a calendar of happy pictures will help begin the day. That’s better than staring into a grumpy old face in the mirror.
-30-
Mhall46184@aol.com
The Aesthetic Joys of a Calendar with Pictures
Picture calendars are nice. Facing the new day is easier if the first thing you see is a picture of puppies or sailboats. Otherwise you might be alarmed by looking into the mirror and having to ask yourself “Who is that old man?” A cold, grey dawn is not the time for introspection.
At the bookstores calendars are discounted after the beginning of the new year, and while the dachshunds are all gone you might find some kittens or airplanes or icebergs off Newfoundland. Italian scenes are always popular, although trying to sort out The Leaning Tower of Pisa while waking up could lead to a skewed perception of reality.
Imagine living in Pisa and seeing the leaning tower most every day. You’d be asking yourself if it’s going to fall today, or maybe tomorrow. Maybe you could petition the city council to go ahead and knock it down so no one would have to worry about it ever again. But what would visitors then do for photographs? They’d have to take gag pictures of each other holding up a coffee shop or something.
Beagle puppies are fun. You cannot look at a calendar picture of beagle puppies and not feel optimistic about the coming day at work.
Cats, well, maybe. Cats are decorative, but, really, how much fun are room accessories that might choose to hiss and spit at any time? Soooo Harry Pottery.
In Ye Olden Days the calendars in barracks, fire stations, cop shops, and dorm rooms tended to be of a somewhat, um, frivolous nature. Given the Comrade Grundy grimness of popular culture just now one supposes that Miss April has been taken out and shot, and her amusing image replaced by a collective photograph of diverse assemblies of DNA sternly examining an algebra book for insensitivity and cultural occupation.
The English word “calendar” comes from the Latin word “calends” or “kalends,” originally referring to the first day of the week. It has come to mean the measurement of the solar year for the inconvenience of humans. Really smart people who do thinky-stuff tell us that humans have always constructed calendars – Sumerians, Akkadian, Chinese, Hebrew, Roman, Julian, and Gregorian, among others.
The calendar makes it possible for the left-brained among us to discuss the meteorological significance of the 21st of September as the autumn equinox and the first day of autumn, while the more practical individual simply opens the door to determine whether he will need a coat.
Just before Christmas funeral homes begin giving away Christian calendars marked with all the usual dates and lunar indications as well as religious observances. Thus, beneath “Martyrdom of St. Lawrence” you can write “Men’s Bible Class Barbecue,” and on the occasion of the beheading of St. Thomas More pencil in “Haircut – maybe closer this time.”
A calendar can note a full moon, but it cannot anticipate that the children will run barefoot around the backyard and chase lightnin’ bugs through a long summer dusk while waiting for it to rise. A calendar cannot replicate the hypnotic humming of cicadas under the noonday sun on a still, gaspingly hot day in July, nor can it communicate the joy one feels when, on a 90-degree afternoon in October, the wind suddenly shifts north and blesses the hot, tired earth with the first cool breezes since May.
In old movies a narrative technique to indicate the passing of time was to have an offscreen fan turn the pages of a desk calendar. Life doesn’t really pass that fast, though sometimes it seems that way.
But a calendar of happy pictures will help begin the day. That’s better than staring into a grumpy old face in the mirror.
-30-
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Now There Are Four - Poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Now There Are Four
For Violet Maria Petty
Born on the Commemoration of Saint Thomas of Canterbury, 2015
The sweetest gift under the Christmas tree -
Saint Thomas now bless you, dear fourth little V!
Mhall46184@aol.com
Now There Are Four
For Violet Maria Petty
Born on the Commemoration of Saint Thomas of Canterbury, 2015
The sweetest gift under the Christmas tree -
Saint Thomas now bless you, dear fourth little V!
Bonfire Deferred - Poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Bonfire Deferred
If there is no Christmas bonfire this year
And Epiphany drifts into January
Lit only by the silent dance of stars
Serving in the office of votive lights
In peaceful solitude while through the trees
Coyote sings for his elusive supper
We’ll plan the children’s bonfire for next year
Sparklers and firecrackers and merry laughter
Built from the happy glow of memories
If there is no Christmas bonfire this year
Mhall46184@aol.com
Bonfire Deferred
If there is no Christmas bonfire this year
And Epiphany drifts into January
Lit only by the silent dance of stars
Serving in the office of votive lights
In peaceful solitude while through the trees
Coyote sings for his elusive supper
We’ll plan the children’s bonfire for next year
Sparklers and firecrackers and merry laughter
Built from the happy glow of memories
If there is no Christmas bonfire this year
Contra Julius and Gregory - Poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Contra Julius and Gregory
A year does not fail, because there are no years
There are only seasons dancing through being
The choreography of Creation
Written with meteors dreamed out of stars
And so the first day of January
Is the thirty-second of December
And neither is either or even itself
But only a mark that says left foot forward
Continuing a step from beyond forever -
The year does not fail, because there are no years
Mhall46184@aol.com
Contra Julius and Gregory
A year does not fail, because there are no years
There are only seasons dancing through being
The choreography of Creation
Written with meteors dreamed out of stars
And so the first day of January
Is the thirty-second of December
And neither is either or even itself
But only a mark that says left foot forward
Continuing a step from beyond forever -
The year does not fail, because there are no years
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Why We Love James Bond - Poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Why We Love James Bond
He drives too fast, he drinks, he bets,
He smokes too many cigarettes!
Mhall46184@aol.com
Why We Love James Bond
He drives too fast, he drinks, he bets,
He smokes too many cigarettes!
Peter's Pence - Poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Peter’s Pence
After Belloc, The Path to Rome
What capital did Saint Peter possess?
A pair of shoes, perhaps, a coat, a stick
A bitter memory of a dead-cold night
And happier memories of sails and ships
Of sunrise over the sea, and fish-heavy nets
And not so many words to burden a man
But only the Word - the Word and then the Cup
And a Chair which he found uncomfortable
His final inventory was written in red
What capital did Saint Peter possess?
Mhall46184@aol.com
Peter’s Pence
After Belloc, The Path to Rome
What capital did Saint Peter possess?
A pair of shoes, perhaps, a coat, a stick
A bitter memory of a dead-cold night
And happier memories of sails and ships
Of sunrise over the sea, and fish-heavy nets
And not so many words to burden a man
But only the Word - the Word and then the Cup
And a Chair which he found uncomfortable
His final inventory was written in red
What capital did Saint Peter possess?
Bread of the Presence - Poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Bread of the Presence
For Victoria,
In thanks for a gift of challah
For the people of the Word, and of bread:
Manna and matzo are the breads of flight
Of exile and wandering, Passover,
Diaspora, the Pale of Settlement,
And always “next year in Jerusalem…”
But challah is the bread of victory
A double portion of the kindness of G-d
The Temple built again in every home
Where the kitchen table is the Altar
And the blessing begins “Baruch atah…”
Mhall46184@aol.com
Bread of the Presence
For Victoria,
In thanks for a gift of challah
For the people of the Word, and of bread:
Manna and matzo are the breads of flight
Of exile and wandering, Passover,
Diaspora, the Pale of Settlement,
And always “next year in Jerusalem…”
But challah is the bread of victory
A double portion of the kindness of G-d
The Temple built again in every home
Where the kitchen table is the Altar
And the blessing begins “Baruch atah…”
We Are One Debris - Poem
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
We Are One Debris
A paper napkin with a turkey on it
Discarded outside by an errant child
Culturally appropriates among the leaves
It seems to want to join its fallen brothers
Raw and natural in their native state
In multicultural deconstructions
Like, you know, all spiritual and stuff
Becoming one existential leaf-mold
Filtered through November’s hipster glasses
A paper napkin with a turkey on it
Mhall46184@aol.com
We Are One Debris
A paper napkin with a turkey on it
Discarded outside by an errant child
Culturally appropriates among the leaves
It seems to want to join its fallen brothers
Raw and natural in their native state
In multicultural deconstructions
Like, you know, all spiritual and stuff
Becoming one existential leaf-mold
Filtered through November’s hipster glasses
A paper napkin with a turkey on it
Welding and Philosophy
Lawrence Hall Hall, HSG
Mhal46184@aol.com
Welding and Philosophy
Recently a candidate for public office stated that America needs fewer philosophers and more welders.
Someone countered this allegation, and then someone else counter-countered, and then I turned the page and read the funnies.
One concludes that those promoting this artificial quarrel are neither welders nor philosophers, for while not all philosophers are welders, all welders are philosophers.
“Philosophy” (I’m told the word is Greek; I don’t know any Greek beyond “Kyrie Eleison.”) means, quite simply, love of wisdom. By extension, philosophy applies to rational thought.
Roget’s International Thesaurus, 3rd Edition, 1962 lists 68 elementary metals, 101 alloy metals, and eight leaf metals. This fifty-year-old book, an ordinary desk reference for any reader, mentions 177 different metals. A welder would respond with “Only 177? What a quaint old book. This must be for children, for there are many more metals than that.” The welder knows this because he is a philosopher, a lover of wisdom.
Welding is the science of applied metallurgy. A welder accomplishes a lifetime of study and a whole lot of rational thinking in order to cut, bend, blend, and shape those 177+ metals or any combination thereof in the ways he (or she) wants. The welder does not cut, bend, blend, or shape those metals without a plan. He cannot plan to cut, bend, blend, or shape metals without a deep knowledge of metallurgy, electricity, chemistry, physics, geometry, gasses, health, safety, and goodness knows what else. A welder might cut, bend, blend, and shape metals on a high building on a high mountain, where the changing air means he must adjust his chemistry, or far beneath the waves, where he must adjust his chemistry, know all about deep-water diving, and watch out for sharks.
A welder must also ask himself if he may with good conscience cut, bend, blend, and shape metals for specific purposes. If he is part of a team maintaining an oil field his conscience is clear, for despite the facile opinions – hardly rational thoughts - of the shallow-minded, drilling for oil is a very good thing. Without oil we don’t exist. If, however, a welder is asked to help construct a gallows, a bomb, a warship, or some other engine for the destruction of his fellow humans he will want to search his soul in the matter. Sergeant Kalashnikov may have developed his rifle with only the safety of the Soviet state in mind, but in the end neither he nor the Soviet State could control his invention, which has since been used against the Soviet State, its successor state, and lots of other folks.
To infer, then, that a welder is not a philosopher is a failure in philosophy, a failure to think, a failure to love wisdom. One might as well (or unwell) say that a woman cannot be a mother because she is also a daughter and a doctor, that a pilot cannot also be a cowboy and a merchant, or that Saint Paul could not be an Apostle because he was also a tentmaker and a Roman citizen. All humans, as Plato is said to have said (I’ll ask him the next time I see him), by nature want to know things. Knowledge does not come packaged in discrete categories. Thus, a farmer is by nature a biologist, chemist, geologist, and lots of other things, and to put all this knowledge together, that is, to synthesize it, he must also be a philosopher. Dreams and wishes and hopes and ideologies do not make the corn grow.
A politician who makes a public statement suggesting that philosophers and welders are discrete categories of being is either not thinking or is thinking malevolently. Perhaps the politician does not want philosophers – that is, ordinary thinkers – because they might examine his finances, his writings and speeches, his ideologies, and his actions with and against others, and determine for themselves whether or not he is worthy to represent them.
Roman legend speaks of Cincinnatus, a farmer and a wise man (for they are the same thing), who was plowing his field when a deputation of citizens came to ask him to lead Rome and save the City from invaders and from its factions. So Cincinnatus left his plow, took his cloak from the fence post where he had laid it, and went to rule Rome for a year. When the year was over, and Rome was saved, Cincinnatus returned to his farm, flung his old cloak over the same fence post, and continued his plowing.
That’s the stuff – not a philosopher-king, but a philosopher-worker.
Tyrannies cannot exist if there are philosophers; republics cannot exist without them.
-30-
Mhal46184@aol.com
Welding and Philosophy
Recently a candidate for public office stated that America needs fewer philosophers and more welders.
Someone countered this allegation, and then someone else counter-countered, and then I turned the page and read the funnies.
One concludes that those promoting this artificial quarrel are neither welders nor philosophers, for while not all philosophers are welders, all welders are philosophers.
“Philosophy” (I’m told the word is Greek; I don’t know any Greek beyond “Kyrie Eleison.”) means, quite simply, love of wisdom. By extension, philosophy applies to rational thought.
Roget’s International Thesaurus, 3rd Edition, 1962 lists 68 elementary metals, 101 alloy metals, and eight leaf metals. This fifty-year-old book, an ordinary desk reference for any reader, mentions 177 different metals. A welder would respond with “Only 177? What a quaint old book. This must be for children, for there are many more metals than that.” The welder knows this because he is a philosopher, a lover of wisdom.
Welding is the science of applied metallurgy. A welder accomplishes a lifetime of study and a whole lot of rational thinking in order to cut, bend, blend, and shape those 177+ metals or any combination thereof in the ways he (or she) wants. The welder does not cut, bend, blend, or shape those metals without a plan. He cannot plan to cut, bend, blend, or shape metals without a deep knowledge of metallurgy, electricity, chemistry, physics, geometry, gasses, health, safety, and goodness knows what else. A welder might cut, bend, blend, and shape metals on a high building on a high mountain, where the changing air means he must adjust his chemistry, or far beneath the waves, where he must adjust his chemistry, know all about deep-water diving, and watch out for sharks.
A welder must also ask himself if he may with good conscience cut, bend, blend, and shape metals for specific purposes. If he is part of a team maintaining an oil field his conscience is clear, for despite the facile opinions – hardly rational thoughts - of the shallow-minded, drilling for oil is a very good thing. Without oil we don’t exist. If, however, a welder is asked to help construct a gallows, a bomb, a warship, or some other engine for the destruction of his fellow humans he will want to search his soul in the matter. Sergeant Kalashnikov may have developed his rifle with only the safety of the Soviet state in mind, but in the end neither he nor the Soviet State could control his invention, which has since been used against the Soviet State, its successor state, and lots of other folks.
To infer, then, that a welder is not a philosopher is a failure in philosophy, a failure to think, a failure to love wisdom. One might as well (or unwell) say that a woman cannot be a mother because she is also a daughter and a doctor, that a pilot cannot also be a cowboy and a merchant, or that Saint Paul could not be an Apostle because he was also a tentmaker and a Roman citizen. All humans, as Plato is said to have said (I’ll ask him the next time I see him), by nature want to know things. Knowledge does not come packaged in discrete categories. Thus, a farmer is by nature a biologist, chemist, geologist, and lots of other things, and to put all this knowledge together, that is, to synthesize it, he must also be a philosopher. Dreams and wishes and hopes and ideologies do not make the corn grow.
A politician who makes a public statement suggesting that philosophers and welders are discrete categories of being is either not thinking or is thinking malevolently. Perhaps the politician does not want philosophers – that is, ordinary thinkers – because they might examine his finances, his writings and speeches, his ideologies, and his actions with and against others, and determine for themselves whether or not he is worthy to represent them.
Roman legend speaks of Cincinnatus, a farmer and a wise man (for they are the same thing), who was plowing his field when a deputation of citizens came to ask him to lead Rome and save the City from invaders and from its factions. So Cincinnatus left his plow, took his cloak from the fence post where he had laid it, and went to rule Rome for a year. When the year was over, and Rome was saved, Cincinnatus returned to his farm, flung his old cloak over the same fence post, and continued his plowing.
That’s the stuff – not a philosopher-king, but a philosopher-worker.
Tyrannies cannot exist if there are philosophers; republics cannot exist without them.
-30-
When Walls Suffer a Mussolini-as-a-Hippie Complex
Lawrence Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com
When Walls Suffer a Mussolini Complex
Can you remember the last time you visited someone’s house and it didn’t have all those hippie commandments posted all over the walls? You know, those pretend-antique signs telling you to do stuff, like “DANCE AS IF NO ONE IS LOOKING.”
The logical rejoinder would be “Why the (Newark) should I?” but then you’d be talking back to a sign.
And then there is “EAT. LOVE. PRAY.”
Really, does anyone need a made-in-China sign tacked to the wall in order to remember to eat? One longs to see a sign that says “STARVE. HATE. INDULGE IN VAGUE, FUZZY THOUGHTS.”
People’s walls are beginning to look like jail reception areas, or maybe a cosmic boot camp, only with crystals and some groovy Peter, Paul, and Mary sounds instead of “NO SMOKING,” “REMAIN SEATED,” “NO TALKING,” and “STAND ON THE YELLOW FOOTPRINTS.”
Here’s another Miz Bossy Beatnik life instruction: “LIFE ISN’T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS. IT’S ABOUT LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.” Well, just as you wish, but if you dance in the rain around here you’re likely to get struck by lightning.
“LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.” Oh, I dunno, something to eat, clothes, shelter – these are needful too
“DO NOT FOLLOW WHERE THE PATH MAY LEAD. GO INSTEAD WHERE THERE IS NO PATH AND LEAVE A TRAIL.” The problem here is that the National Park Service posts their own signs telling you not to do any such thing.
“FOLLOW YOUR HEART.” Aw, now, couldn’t you follow your pancreas instead?
‘THINK DEEPLY, SPEAK GENTLY, LOVE MUCH, LAUGH A LOT, WORK HARD, GIVE FREELY, AND BE KIND.” Wait, wait, don’t tell me – that’s from the Bible. Or Shakespeare. Or NCIS.
“BREATHE BELIEVE EMBRACE SHARE SMILE LOVE LIVE LAUGH CREATE TRUST CARE BREATHE CARE SING.” Yes, I believe those sentiments come from the Internal Revenue Service. Or maybe that was a comforting little something Sergeant Schneider sang as a lullaby to us lads at Camp Pendleton.
Even Christmas candies now tell us what to do. The foil wrapper around a chocolate ordered me to “HIT SNOOZE X 5.” The sequel to that would be my boss advising me that my services are no longer required.
Another wrapper instructed me to “GET LOST ON PURPOSE.” Happily, I’m not a truck driver.
And another: “BECAUSE YOU CAN.” Because you can what? Is there a cause that goes with that because? Is there a moral or ethical sanction functioning here?
Only one bossy sign would sound just right: “TAKE DOWN THE BOSSY SIGNS TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO.”
Let us return to decorating our walls with lovely pictures instead of with edicts. Something classy, like dogs playing poker.
-30-
Mhall46184@aol.com
When Walls Suffer a Mussolini Complex
Can you remember the last time you visited someone’s house and it didn’t have all those hippie commandments posted all over the walls? You know, those pretend-antique signs telling you to do stuff, like “DANCE AS IF NO ONE IS LOOKING.”
The logical rejoinder would be “Why the (Newark) should I?” but then you’d be talking back to a sign.
And then there is “EAT. LOVE. PRAY.”
Really, does anyone need a made-in-China sign tacked to the wall in order to remember to eat? One longs to see a sign that says “STARVE. HATE. INDULGE IN VAGUE, FUZZY THOUGHTS.”
People’s walls are beginning to look like jail reception areas, or maybe a cosmic boot camp, only with crystals and some groovy Peter, Paul, and Mary sounds instead of “NO SMOKING,” “REMAIN SEATED,” “NO TALKING,” and “STAND ON THE YELLOW FOOTPRINTS.”
Here’s another Miz Bossy Beatnik life instruction: “LIFE ISN’T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS. IT’S ABOUT LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.” Well, just as you wish, but if you dance in the rain around here you’re likely to get struck by lightning.
“LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.” Oh, I dunno, something to eat, clothes, shelter – these are needful too
“DO NOT FOLLOW WHERE THE PATH MAY LEAD. GO INSTEAD WHERE THERE IS NO PATH AND LEAVE A TRAIL.” The problem here is that the National Park Service posts their own signs telling you not to do any such thing.
“FOLLOW YOUR HEART.” Aw, now, couldn’t you follow your pancreas instead?
‘THINK DEEPLY, SPEAK GENTLY, LOVE MUCH, LAUGH A LOT, WORK HARD, GIVE FREELY, AND BE KIND.” Wait, wait, don’t tell me – that’s from the Bible. Or Shakespeare. Or NCIS.
“BREATHE BELIEVE EMBRACE SHARE SMILE LOVE LIVE LAUGH CREATE TRUST CARE BREATHE CARE SING.” Yes, I believe those sentiments come from the Internal Revenue Service. Or maybe that was a comforting little something Sergeant Schneider sang as a lullaby to us lads at Camp Pendleton.
Even Christmas candies now tell us what to do. The foil wrapper around a chocolate ordered me to “HIT SNOOZE X 5.” The sequel to that would be my boss advising me that my services are no longer required.
Another wrapper instructed me to “GET LOST ON PURPOSE.” Happily, I’m not a truck driver.
And another: “BECAUSE YOU CAN.” Because you can what? Is there a cause that goes with that because? Is there a moral or ethical sanction functioning here?
Only one bossy sign would sound just right: “TAKE DOWN THE BOSSY SIGNS TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO.”
Let us return to decorating our walls with lovely pictures instead of with edicts. Something classy, like dogs playing poker.
-30-
Santa Claus Hijacks a Helicopter
Lawrence Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com
Santa Claus Being Bad
Santa Claus began Advent by hijacking a helicopter in Brazil.
A man dressed as the larcenous old elf hired a helicopter at a Sao Paulo airfield for a flight. Santa then forced the pilot to set the aircraft down in a rural area where he and that girl from Ipanema tied up the pilot, abandoned him, and flew away singing “And to all a good night!”
Suspicion immediately fell upon the USA’s jolly Secret Service, those merry pranksters loaded with booze and automatic weapons. If an undocumented helicopter appears in the presidential fleet, questions might be asked in Whoopsie’s Adult Night Club just off K Street in the Magic Kingdom of D.C.
Presidential candidate Donald Trump immediately blew to the occasion: “We’ve, got, y’see, these mobs of alien Santa Clauses flying over our borders and no one but I can stop ‘em.”
President-Elect Hillary Clinton denied receiving any campaign contributions from Santa Claus.
The president of Turkey, Tayyip Erdogan, threatened to shoot down the helicopter if it violated Turkish air space, Turkish air space being whatever Mr. Erdogan says it is.
President Vladimir Putin of Russia took off his shirt and punched out a shopping mall Santa in St. Petersburg.
Students at the University of Missouri demanded that reporters stop talking about Santa Claus pinching a helicopter since this takes attention away from them and their specialness.
The Dalai Lama said “Let us be one with the crystals of helicopterness so that the healing sands of peace and harmony may sift through the holistic sunrise of the optimal oversoul and actuate the full potential of my 501C.”
The United Nations voted a resolution blaming the helicopter theft on global warming, and sent Americans workers the bill.
Fox News demanded boots on the ground for nation-building at the North Pole. Fox News says boots on the ground because boots on the ground sounds ever so much nicer than saying young Americans are to be killed in yet another undeclared war.
Local television outlets all over the world labeled the helicopter hijacking iconic because the FCC requires them to use the term several times during every broadcast. They don’t know what it means; they just say it.
In response to the Santa helicopter threat, West Point armed all its cadets with semi-secret M24 Flying Pillows of Death.
Westboro (who don’t know how to spell “borough”) Not-Really-Baptist Church blamed Starbuck’s.
China declared the helicopter to be sovereign Chinese territory.
In the Hallmark Christmas movie version the helicopter hijacker is a newly-widowed father and stockbroker named Ridge whose adorable little daughter Chloe-Zoe is conflicted about why Santa Claus allowed her mother to die. Ridge didn’t really hijack a helicopter; he only rented it to make some plot-gap point to Chloe-Zoe. The helicopter pilot is Brooke, a spunky, independent, thirty-something single woman who doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. Ridge and Brooke meet-cute and then they hear jingle bells and fall in love and get married while snowflakes fall and Chloe-Zoe gives a thumbs-up to the generic central-casting clergyman whom she knows to be Santa Claus in disguise.
Santa Claus stealing a helicopter - that makes no more sense than people beating up each other for discount vegetable steamers for Christmas.
-30-
Mhall46184@aol.com
Santa Claus Being Bad
Santa Claus began Advent by hijacking a helicopter in Brazil.
A man dressed as the larcenous old elf hired a helicopter at a Sao Paulo airfield for a flight. Santa then forced the pilot to set the aircraft down in a rural area where he and that girl from Ipanema tied up the pilot, abandoned him, and flew away singing “And to all a good night!”
Suspicion immediately fell upon the USA’s jolly Secret Service, those merry pranksters loaded with booze and automatic weapons. If an undocumented helicopter appears in the presidential fleet, questions might be asked in Whoopsie’s Adult Night Club just off K Street in the Magic Kingdom of D.C.
Presidential candidate Donald Trump immediately blew to the occasion: “We’ve, got, y’see, these mobs of alien Santa Clauses flying over our borders and no one but I can stop ‘em.”
President-Elect Hillary Clinton denied receiving any campaign contributions from Santa Claus.
The president of Turkey, Tayyip Erdogan, threatened to shoot down the helicopter if it violated Turkish air space, Turkish air space being whatever Mr. Erdogan says it is.
President Vladimir Putin of Russia took off his shirt and punched out a shopping mall Santa in St. Petersburg.
Students at the University of Missouri demanded that reporters stop talking about Santa Claus pinching a helicopter since this takes attention away from them and their specialness.
The Dalai Lama said “Let us be one with the crystals of helicopterness so that the healing sands of peace and harmony may sift through the holistic sunrise of the optimal oversoul and actuate the full potential of my 501C.”
The United Nations voted a resolution blaming the helicopter theft on global warming, and sent Americans workers the bill.
Fox News demanded boots on the ground for nation-building at the North Pole. Fox News says boots on the ground because boots on the ground sounds ever so much nicer than saying young Americans are to be killed in yet another undeclared war.
Local television outlets all over the world labeled the helicopter hijacking iconic because the FCC requires them to use the term several times during every broadcast. They don’t know what it means; they just say it.
In response to the Santa helicopter threat, West Point armed all its cadets with semi-secret M24 Flying Pillows of Death.
Westboro (who don’t know how to spell “borough”) Not-Really-Baptist Church blamed Starbuck’s.
China declared the helicopter to be sovereign Chinese territory.
In the Hallmark Christmas movie version the helicopter hijacker is a newly-widowed father and stockbroker named Ridge whose adorable little daughter Chloe-Zoe is conflicted about why Santa Claus allowed her mother to die. Ridge didn’t really hijack a helicopter; he only rented it to make some plot-gap point to Chloe-Zoe. The helicopter pilot is Brooke, a spunky, independent, thirty-something single woman who doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. Ridge and Brooke meet-cute and then they hear jingle bells and fall in love and get married while snowflakes fall and Chloe-Zoe gives a thumbs-up to the generic central-casting clergyman whom she knows to be Santa Claus in disguise.
Santa Claus stealing a helicopter - that makes no more sense than people beating up each other for discount vegetable steamers for Christmas.
-30-
Christmas - It's All About Stealing Other People's Exploding Stuff
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Christmas – It’s All About Stealing Other People’s Exploding Stuff
Most people, the sort who have jobs and lives, first learned of the existence of they-don’t-really-hover-boards through news reports of house fires and robberies.
They-don’t-really-hover-boards are battery-powered toys upon which the operator stands while the gadget wheels him or her about until its batteries perish. Then the operator charges the batteries until they explode and set fire to everything around them. They’re sort of like a certain American-made electric car, only with two wheels instead of four.
They-don’t-really-hover-boards are expensive, flimsy, prone to self-arson, and useless. Naturally they are very desirable to those for whom Star Wars is their religion and Che Guevera is their prophet.
Doubtless there are deputations of the cartoon-tee-shirted appealing to city councils everywhere to commit millions of tax dollars to build they-don’t-really-hover-board parks so that, following the success of midnight basketball, the Republic might be saved from cultural and moral decay.
The theft of they-don’t-really-hover-boards has become as common as fist-fights in the Ukrainian parliament. In Wisconsin a man (so to speak) put a gun to a seven-year-old girl’s head in order to rob her of her it-doesn’t-really-hover-board. Thus the poor girl was endangered twice, first by a lemming parent who gave her an explosive device and then by a worm with a firearm.
There’s nothing that says “man” like stealing a toy from a child at gunpoint.
When that he-man takes the stolen it-doesn’t-really-hover-board to his room and its batteries start a fire that destroys all his Will Ferrell posters, will he sue the kid for microaggression?
Donald Trump will promise to stop all they-don’t-really-hover-boards at the borders, Marco Rubio will ask for the child’s credit card number, Bernie Sanders will demand free they-don’t-really-hover-boards for all the unemployed, Hillary Clinton will deny taking illegal campaign contributions from the little girl, Ted Cruz will blame Canada, Sinead O’Connor will blame the Pope, the President will blame the renegade culture of assault batteries, Moustache Guy on Fox News will blame public schools, Turkey will blame Russia, and Vladimir Putin will rip off his shirt and take down a Toys ‘R’ Us with one punch, maybe two.
Isn’t that what Christmas is all about?
-30-
Mhall46184@aol.com
Christmas – It’s All About Stealing Other People’s Exploding Stuff
Most people, the sort who have jobs and lives, first learned of the existence of they-don’t-really-hover-boards through news reports of house fires and robberies.
They-don’t-really-hover-boards are battery-powered toys upon which the operator stands while the gadget wheels him or her about until its batteries perish. Then the operator charges the batteries until they explode and set fire to everything around them. They’re sort of like a certain American-made electric car, only with two wheels instead of four.
They-don’t-really-hover-boards are expensive, flimsy, prone to self-arson, and useless. Naturally they are very desirable to those for whom Star Wars is their religion and Che Guevera is their prophet.
Doubtless there are deputations of the cartoon-tee-shirted appealing to city councils everywhere to commit millions of tax dollars to build they-don’t-really-hover-board parks so that, following the success of midnight basketball, the Republic might be saved from cultural and moral decay.
The theft of they-don’t-really-hover-boards has become as common as fist-fights in the Ukrainian parliament. In Wisconsin a man (so to speak) put a gun to a seven-year-old girl’s head in order to rob her of her it-doesn’t-really-hover-board. Thus the poor girl was endangered twice, first by a lemming parent who gave her an explosive device and then by a worm with a firearm.
There’s nothing that says “man” like stealing a toy from a child at gunpoint.
When that he-man takes the stolen it-doesn’t-really-hover-board to his room and its batteries start a fire that destroys all his Will Ferrell posters, will he sue the kid for microaggression?
Donald Trump will promise to stop all they-don’t-really-hover-boards at the borders, Marco Rubio will ask for the child’s credit card number, Bernie Sanders will demand free they-don’t-really-hover-boards for all the unemployed, Hillary Clinton will deny taking illegal campaign contributions from the little girl, Ted Cruz will blame Canada, Sinead O’Connor will blame the Pope, the President will blame the renegade culture of assault batteries, Moustache Guy on Fox News will blame public schools, Turkey will blame Russia, and Vladimir Putin will rip off his shirt and take down a Toys ‘R’ Us with one punch, maybe two.
Isn’t that what Christmas is all about?
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Prince Albert's Christmas
Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Prince Albert’s Christmas
Even the best prepared among us cannot anticipate everything contingency, and so everyone finds himself (the pronoun is gender-neutral) in a series of traffic jams and shopping lines just before Christmas, feeling that perhaps Scrooge was right.
Advent, after all, is intended to be a season of quiet reflection, not a descent into the serial cruelties of a Secret Santa gift exchange. Cue Scrooge stealing Tiny Tim’s crutch.
And then there is the annual cycle of What Christmas is Really All About selfies on the telescreen, as if that topic weren’t covered far more accurately in the Gospels.
One cannot get through Advent without being told yet again that the happy little nonsense song about the twelve days of Christmas is a secret Catholic catechism. Sure, and each candy cane is poisoned by cackling vampire Jesuit Templar Masonic spies who are guardians of Jesus’ earthly DNA which they have concealed for centuries in a mysterious glowing brussels sprout buried in a Prince Albert can behind a convenience store directly across from Oak Island in Nova Scotia in a direct solar-lunar-astral line with Jerusalem which must be true because it was on tellyvision.
Heaven knows what dark mysteries silly men who ought to know better might find in “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”
Since your ‘umble scrivener has not been vouchsafed any new revelations about Christmas, he submits instead a few family-friendly, non-Scrooge, no-shopping-required wheezes suitable for Twelfth-Night merriment around a merry bonfire:
Small boy to store clerk: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Clerk: “Why, yes, son, we do.”
Small boy: “Then you’d better let him out before he suffocates!”
Small boy to store clerk: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Clerk: “Why, no, son, we don’t.”
Small boy: “Uhhh…”
Small boy to store clerk: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Clerk: “Prince Albert is, like, you know, so yesterday. However, we do have a festive selection of cigars rolled from Cuban-seed tobacco by barefoot maidens who breathe clean mountain air and think pure thoughts. Now this cigar, the Hoya de Bulgaria, is a bargain at only $25 plus applicable taxes.”
Small boy: “I sure miss Prince Albert.”
Small boy to store clerk: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Clerk: “Yes, and he needs to get out; people are waiting in line.”
Small boy: “Uhhh…”
Small boy making a prank call: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Receptionist: “You dialed the wrong number; this is the No Puffin hotline.”
Small boy: “Uhhh…”
Small boy to store clerk: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Clerk: “A can of what?”
Small boy: “Uhhh…”
Small boy to store clerk: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Clerk: “I say, young chap, this is England. You should ask if we have Prince Albert in a tin.”
Small boy: “Uhhh…”
Small boy to store clerk: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Clerk: “This is Newfoundland, lad. You should ask if we have Prince Albert in a tin, eh.”
Small boy: “Eh?”
Whenever we hear a good joke, a real groaner, we think of those who would enjoy it. But sometimes we realize that a dear friend is no longer with us. This is as true during Advent or Christmas as any other time as we remember with sadness someone who was at the Christmas Eve liturgy last year is not here this year. And so the joke remains unsaid, or perhaps sent only in silence, as the candles are lit in the darkness. The universe is said to have no limits at all, so merry laughter too must a part of the eternal merry Christmas.
-30-
Mhall46184@aol.com
Prince Albert’s Christmas
Even the best prepared among us cannot anticipate everything contingency, and so everyone finds himself (the pronoun is gender-neutral) in a series of traffic jams and shopping lines just before Christmas, feeling that perhaps Scrooge was right.
Advent, after all, is intended to be a season of quiet reflection, not a descent into the serial cruelties of a Secret Santa gift exchange. Cue Scrooge stealing Tiny Tim’s crutch.
And then there is the annual cycle of What Christmas is Really All About selfies on the telescreen, as if that topic weren’t covered far more accurately in the Gospels.
One cannot get through Advent without being told yet again that the happy little nonsense song about the twelve days of Christmas is a secret Catholic catechism. Sure, and each candy cane is poisoned by cackling vampire Jesuit Templar Masonic spies who are guardians of Jesus’ earthly DNA which they have concealed for centuries in a mysterious glowing brussels sprout buried in a Prince Albert can behind a convenience store directly across from Oak Island in Nova Scotia in a direct solar-lunar-astral line with Jerusalem which must be true because it was on tellyvision.
Heaven knows what dark mysteries silly men who ought to know better might find in “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”
Since your ‘umble scrivener has not been vouchsafed any new revelations about Christmas, he submits instead a few family-friendly, non-Scrooge, no-shopping-required wheezes suitable for Twelfth-Night merriment around a merry bonfire:
Small boy to store clerk: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Clerk: “Why, yes, son, we do.”
Small boy: “Then you’d better let him out before he suffocates!”
Small boy to store clerk: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Clerk: “Why, no, son, we don’t.”
Small boy: “Uhhh…”
Small boy to store clerk: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Clerk: “Prince Albert is, like, you know, so yesterday. However, we do have a festive selection of cigars rolled from Cuban-seed tobacco by barefoot maidens who breathe clean mountain air and think pure thoughts. Now this cigar, the Hoya de Bulgaria, is a bargain at only $25 plus applicable taxes.”
Small boy: “I sure miss Prince Albert.”
Small boy to store clerk: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Clerk: “Yes, and he needs to get out; people are waiting in line.”
Small boy: “Uhhh…”
Small boy making a prank call: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Receptionist: “You dialed the wrong number; this is the No Puffin hotline.”
Small boy: “Uhhh…”
Small boy to store clerk: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Clerk: “A can of what?”
Small boy: “Uhhh…”
Small boy to store clerk: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Clerk: “I say, young chap, this is England. You should ask if we have Prince Albert in a tin.”
Small boy: “Uhhh…”
Small boy to store clerk: “Mister, do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
Clerk: “This is Newfoundland, lad. You should ask if we have Prince Albert in a tin, eh.”
Small boy: “Eh?”
Whenever we hear a good joke, a real groaner, we think of those who would enjoy it. But sometimes we realize that a dear friend is no longer with us. This is as true during Advent or Christmas as any other time as we remember with sadness someone who was at the Christmas Eve liturgy last year is not here this year. And so the joke remains unsaid, or perhaps sent only in silence, as the candles are lit in the darkness. The universe is said to have no limits at all, so merry laughter too must a part of the eternal merry Christmas.
-30-
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