Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Beach Tarball Bingo
Mack Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Beach Tarball Bingo
The real question is why tarballs are called tarballs, since they are neither tar nor balls, and can’t be used for roofing or for games.
Last week I spent a few days at Crystal Beach considering such matters, but not deeply.
Frankie and Annette’s movie beach was always perfect – impossibly clean sand and impossibly clean teens in an impossibly clean early 1960s vision of youth. Perhaps the closest in real life is China Beach near DaNang, but whether the young in Viet-Nam are permitted to be young is much in doubt. If the goose-stepping comrades would give over persecuting Christians and Montagnards and each other they could all score some major tourist euros, yen, pounds, and dollars by developing the beaches of Viet-Nam.
In truth, no beach is a cinema image, no more than Bambi is a documentary about the ecosystem of a forest. Any beach is where the relatively few bits of land encounter the dominant oceans on this water planet, and that means conflict: tides, storms, bacteria, mosquitoes, debris, and predatory wildlife.
Consider the pelican, often cartooned as a comic figure with a bulbous beak. In reality the pelican is a somewhat sinister, pre-historic-looking creature that joins with its comrades to fly in attack formation not unlike those old films of Stuka dive bombers. The pelican’s long beak is designed for strength and violence in wild dives into the water to kill and devour.
And then there was the shark, which turned out to be some old, pre-Ike carpeting rolling in the surf.
Crystal Beach was never crystal, but last week some extra oil showed up, mostly attached to dead vegetation and to walkers’ feet. Local television news featured discussions on whether the oil was BP (nee’ British Petroleum, nee’ Anglo-Iranian) or just some ordinary old oil unworthy of notice. The seabirds appeared to continue to fly and fish, and the waves broke as usual between a rusted propane tank and a concrete septic tank, bringing in their usual nightly quota of driftwood and foam cups.
The beach is more than sand and water and critters. It attracts not only vacationers but residents, some of them more colorful than Frankie and Annette. I encountered a fellow who had braided his long white beard into a long white rope. Just why he had done this is subject to speculation. Perhaps he had finished his library book, or possibly his cable was off, and he needed something to occupy his leisure hours. Or maybe he just wanted some attention, so here it is.
The signs at Crystal Beach are mostly hand-lettered, which adds to the charm, and point the ways to little shops and grocery stores and marinas and restaurants (no shoes, no problem) and surfboard rentals. In law motor vehicles aren’t permitted on the beach; in practice one rattles by occasionally, usually slowly and usually carrying rental toys or maintenance equipment. Folks saunter along the beach looking for shells, and in the evenings build driftwood campfires and swat ‘skeeters. Life is summer-slow at Crystal Beach, and the breeze is warm and salty, and the waves are the same ones that First Nations people fished and played in centuries ago in their food-gathering wanderings. Yes, sometimes the best restorative for the jarred nerves of modern life is sand between one’s toes, and a few hours of not-thinking.
The nights are made even more slumberous by the soothing, sibilant sounds of the sea, which can be heard and felt comfortingly through the air-conditioned (I will give up my air-conditioning when Al Gore’s minions pry my hot, dead fingers off the thermostat) walls of a lovely rental house atop its sturdy piers.
Crystal Beach is a little world on the edge of the planetary sea, a world I visit only occasionally but which is very important to me. I am glad that people live there, people who don’t shave or put on makeup every day and who almost never wear shoes and who give their boats funny names. I hope that they are never regulated out of existence and that their (and our) peninsula is never made very prosperous, for then it wouldn’t be ours anymore. The world needs plywood hotdog stands, bare feet, soda shops made out of abandoned trailers, accessible beaches, the smells of salt air and mosquito repellent, and sand and cheesy snapshots and happy memories of happy hours by the Gulf of Mexico.
-30-
Mhall46184@aol.com
Beach Tarball Bingo
The real question is why tarballs are called tarballs, since they are neither tar nor balls, and can’t be used for roofing or for games.
Last week I spent a few days at Crystal Beach considering such matters, but not deeply.
Frankie and Annette’s movie beach was always perfect – impossibly clean sand and impossibly clean teens in an impossibly clean early 1960s vision of youth. Perhaps the closest in real life is China Beach near DaNang, but whether the young in Viet-Nam are permitted to be young is much in doubt. If the goose-stepping comrades would give over persecuting Christians and Montagnards and each other they could all score some major tourist euros, yen, pounds, and dollars by developing the beaches of Viet-Nam.
In truth, no beach is a cinema image, no more than Bambi is a documentary about the ecosystem of a forest. Any beach is where the relatively few bits of land encounter the dominant oceans on this water planet, and that means conflict: tides, storms, bacteria, mosquitoes, debris, and predatory wildlife.
Consider the pelican, often cartooned as a comic figure with a bulbous beak. In reality the pelican is a somewhat sinister, pre-historic-looking creature that joins with its comrades to fly in attack formation not unlike those old films of Stuka dive bombers. The pelican’s long beak is designed for strength and violence in wild dives into the water to kill and devour.
And then there was the shark, which turned out to be some old, pre-Ike carpeting rolling in the surf.
Crystal Beach was never crystal, but last week some extra oil showed up, mostly attached to dead vegetation and to walkers’ feet. Local television news featured discussions on whether the oil was BP (nee’ British Petroleum, nee’ Anglo-Iranian) or just some ordinary old oil unworthy of notice. The seabirds appeared to continue to fly and fish, and the waves broke as usual between a rusted propane tank and a concrete septic tank, bringing in their usual nightly quota of driftwood and foam cups.
The beach is more than sand and water and critters. It attracts not only vacationers but residents, some of them more colorful than Frankie and Annette. I encountered a fellow who had braided his long white beard into a long white rope. Just why he had done this is subject to speculation. Perhaps he had finished his library book, or possibly his cable was off, and he needed something to occupy his leisure hours. Or maybe he just wanted some attention, so here it is.
The signs at Crystal Beach are mostly hand-lettered, which adds to the charm, and point the ways to little shops and grocery stores and marinas and restaurants (no shoes, no problem) and surfboard rentals. In law motor vehicles aren’t permitted on the beach; in practice one rattles by occasionally, usually slowly and usually carrying rental toys or maintenance equipment. Folks saunter along the beach looking for shells, and in the evenings build driftwood campfires and swat ‘skeeters. Life is summer-slow at Crystal Beach, and the breeze is warm and salty, and the waves are the same ones that First Nations people fished and played in centuries ago in their food-gathering wanderings. Yes, sometimes the best restorative for the jarred nerves of modern life is sand between one’s toes, and a few hours of not-thinking.
The nights are made even more slumberous by the soothing, sibilant sounds of the sea, which can be heard and felt comfortingly through the air-conditioned (I will give up my air-conditioning when Al Gore’s minions pry my hot, dead fingers off the thermostat) walls of a lovely rental house atop its sturdy piers.
Crystal Beach is a little world on the edge of the planetary sea, a world I visit only occasionally but which is very important to me. I am glad that people live there, people who don’t shave or put on makeup every day and who almost never wear shoes and who give their boats funny names. I hope that they are never regulated out of existence and that their (and our) peninsula is never made very prosperous, for then it wouldn’t be ours anymore. The world needs plywood hotdog stands, bare feet, soda shops made out of abandoned trailers, accessible beaches, the smells of salt air and mosquito repellent, and sand and cheesy snapshots and happy memories of happy hours by the Gulf of Mexico.
-30-
Monday, July 5, 2010
Jihad Joe Inspires the Troops
Mack Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Jihad Joe Inspires the Troops
On Independence Day Vice-President Joe Biden, America’s ambassador of good will, made a surprise visit to our Frankenstein’s monster, Iraq. While giving a speech about how well the war is going or something, some of the lads outside The Green Zone dropped a mortar round into Fort Maginot to remind the white-wine-and-cheese set that Abdul and Achmed are a little miffed about not being invited to the party.
A spokesman said that this was an isolated incident, no one was hurt, and no damage was done. Nothing to see here, folks, just move along, no cameras, please, and just ignore those dead bodies on the croquet lawns and that little man behind the curtain.
Jihad Joe can now join John Fitzgerald Kerry and Hillary Clinton in the pantheon of great American war heroes. He’ll probably get a medal for cussing small business owners while under fire. In the meantime, the E-4 on patrol protecting Fort Maginot will consider himself lucky if he gets a hot shower sometime this week.
Jihad Joe was earning his combat honors in the new American embassy, a modest endeavor said to cost some $700,000,000 dollars. At that price it ought to have restrooms, unlike the proposed Amtrak railroad stop in Beaumont, Texas.
$700 million dollars. For an embassy. In Iraq. Has anyone asked why?
Whatever business is being transacted in Bagdad could surely be accomplished on a couple of floors rented from the Hilton or the Holiday Inn or something. Heck, General Eisenhower led the allied forces in Europe while living in a travel trailer. Does an ambassador need anything better?
When Saddamn took the long walk from a short rope there was much mockery about all his palaces, about how large and pretentious they were, and how much they cost the poor Iraqi people. And yet the ambassadors from our modest republic founded on the rocky shores of New England by sturdy Puritans now seem to expect to live as high on the camel as any supremeissimo generalissimo grandissimo beloved of Allah.
I don’t suppose there are any oil slicks in His Highness the Ambassador’s swimming pool.
Books in the ambassador’s library should include Bernard Fall’s Street Without Joy and Hell in a Small Place, Brian Farrell’s Defence and Fall of Singapore 1940-1942, Charles Morris’ Massacre of an Army, Michael Asher’s Khartoum, Tacitus’ Annals, Tim Saunders’ Fort Eban Emael 1940, and perhaps just one useful line from Kipling: “Here lies a fool who tried to hustle the East.”
$700 million for an embassy. I guess that means that the wounded and the shell-shocked are getting some really good treatment, then, eh?
-30-
Mhall46184@aol.com
Jihad Joe Inspires the Troops
On Independence Day Vice-President Joe Biden, America’s ambassador of good will, made a surprise visit to our Frankenstein’s monster, Iraq. While giving a speech about how well the war is going or something, some of the lads outside The Green Zone dropped a mortar round into Fort Maginot to remind the white-wine-and-cheese set that Abdul and Achmed are a little miffed about not being invited to the party.
A spokesman said that this was an isolated incident, no one was hurt, and no damage was done. Nothing to see here, folks, just move along, no cameras, please, and just ignore those dead bodies on the croquet lawns and that little man behind the curtain.
Jihad Joe can now join John Fitzgerald Kerry and Hillary Clinton in the pantheon of great American war heroes. He’ll probably get a medal for cussing small business owners while under fire. In the meantime, the E-4 on patrol protecting Fort Maginot will consider himself lucky if he gets a hot shower sometime this week.
Jihad Joe was earning his combat honors in the new American embassy, a modest endeavor said to cost some $700,000,000 dollars. At that price it ought to have restrooms, unlike the proposed Amtrak railroad stop in Beaumont, Texas.
$700 million dollars. For an embassy. In Iraq. Has anyone asked why?
Whatever business is being transacted in Bagdad could surely be accomplished on a couple of floors rented from the Hilton or the Holiday Inn or something. Heck, General Eisenhower led the allied forces in Europe while living in a travel trailer. Does an ambassador need anything better?
When Saddamn took the long walk from a short rope there was much mockery about all his palaces, about how large and pretentious they were, and how much they cost the poor Iraqi people. And yet the ambassadors from our modest republic founded on the rocky shores of New England by sturdy Puritans now seem to expect to live as high on the camel as any supremeissimo generalissimo grandissimo beloved of Allah.
I don’t suppose there are any oil slicks in His Highness the Ambassador’s swimming pool.
Books in the ambassador’s library should include Bernard Fall’s Street Without Joy and Hell in a Small Place, Brian Farrell’s Defence and Fall of Singapore 1940-1942, Charles Morris’ Massacre of an Army, Michael Asher’s Khartoum, Tacitus’ Annals, Tim Saunders’ Fort Eban Emael 1940, and perhaps just one useful line from Kipling: “Here lies a fool who tried to hustle the East.”
$700 million for an embassy. I guess that means that the wounded and the shell-shocked are getting some really good treatment, then, eh?
-30-
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Pre-Broken Icon
Mack Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Broken Before You Buy It
Many American retailers, ever on the trailing edge of progress, have eliminated the need for you to use up or wear out products you buy; the products are now often broken even before you buy them. Instant landfill!
For the benefit of the fashionable, the iconic author of this iconic piece will now re-cast the iconic first paragraph in the iconic contemporary iconic idiom: Many iconic American retailers, ever on the iconic trailing edge of iconic progress, have eliminated the iconic need for iconic you to use up or wear out iconic products you buy; the iconic products are now often broken even before you buy iconic them.
Gentle Reader, you may now employ your own icons.
Two reliable signs of ageing are maintaining hummingbird feeders and bellyaching about how things used to be built better. A friend and I (we both feed hummingbirds) were marveling the other day about how we had each bought an item in the previous week that actually worked, and how functionality had become so rare that it was a topic of conversation.
You see, children, once upon a time long, long ago, back in th’ day, when you bought something – coffee maker, pencil, pocketknife, alarm clock – the item actually worked. You didn’t bother to save receipts because the concept of implied merchantability.
If you bought a coffee pot, the thing made coffee. For years and years.
Pencils from upstate New York – the cedar smelled great when you sharpened them, and they made a nice, clean line.
You sharpened your pencil with your good ol’ American pocket knife, and no one gasped in horror or called in the S.W.A.T. team. If you wanted something fancy in the way of cutlery you bought a knife made in England or Germany, but that was really just for showing off. A lot of us carry American-made pocket knives that belonged to our grandfathers. Those knives do not feature Chinese pictures of Chinese John Wayne or Chinese American eagles; real tools don’t need ornamentation. They simply work.
The nice people in Alabama who assembled inexpensive wind-up alarm clocks out of metal and glass had this archaic concept that an alarm clock should tell time and that if you set it to ring at 0600 it would actually ring – usually somewhere between 0545 and 0615, but then, you were buying plain-vanilla American functionality at a reasonable price and not German craftsmanship at a German price.
But now, over breakfast early this century, it was something of a rare treat to praise a Famous Name Brand product that, although made in China, actually worked.
The joy was transitory.
After visiting with my friend I drove over to Famous Name Iconic pet store to buy a box of Famous Name Iconic doggie treats. When I got home and opened the box of Famous Name Iconic doggie treats I was suddenly enveloped in a cloud of small, moth-like critters. Now I don’t know about your pups, but mine aren’t much for moths; they’re picky like that. I immediately took the cloud of airborne critters and their box outside.
I telephoned the 1-800-Your-Call-Is-Important-To-Us number and May answered. Now on some other occasion I would be happy to assist May (for some reason I don’t think that’s really her name) improve her rudimentary English-language skills, but my mission was doggie treats. Sometimes it’s all about the doggie treats. So I rang off and emailed to Famous Name Iconic pet store a polite letter in block format stating that I would be returning the box of moths next week in exchange for a box of doggie treats, and that I would like to open the next box in the store to verify that there are no extraneous life forms in residence.
And you know how this will work out -- if you want to play Godzilla and cause people to flee in terror, just go to a store and look like you might need some assistance.
While I was on the ‘net I looked up the name of the company with reference to complaints, and there were lots of ‘em. I don’t know how reliable any of the complaints were. One lady complained bitterly because she had bought a pet rat from Famous Iconic Name pet store and she had run up thousands of dollars of veterinarian bills for her sick rat. Where to begin, where to begin.
Maybe it’s because she had to pay for her rat; my moth-thingies came for free.
Maybe they’re iconic moths.
Say, what do you get if you cross your rat with a moth?
Mickey Moth!
Sorry. I’ll go quietly and iconically now.
-30-
Mhall46184@aol.com
Broken Before You Buy It
Many American retailers, ever on the trailing edge of progress, have eliminated the need for you to use up or wear out products you buy; the products are now often broken even before you buy them. Instant landfill!
For the benefit of the fashionable, the iconic author of this iconic piece will now re-cast the iconic first paragraph in the iconic contemporary iconic idiom: Many iconic American retailers, ever on the iconic trailing edge of iconic progress, have eliminated the iconic need for iconic you to use up or wear out iconic products you buy; the iconic products are now often broken even before you buy iconic them.
Gentle Reader, you may now employ your own icons.
Two reliable signs of ageing are maintaining hummingbird feeders and bellyaching about how things used to be built better. A friend and I (we both feed hummingbirds) were marveling the other day about how we had each bought an item in the previous week that actually worked, and how functionality had become so rare that it was a topic of conversation.
You see, children, once upon a time long, long ago, back in th’ day, when you bought something – coffee maker, pencil, pocketknife, alarm clock – the item actually worked. You didn’t bother to save receipts because the concept of implied merchantability.
If you bought a coffee pot, the thing made coffee. For years and years.
Pencils from upstate New York – the cedar smelled great when you sharpened them, and they made a nice, clean line.
You sharpened your pencil with your good ol’ American pocket knife, and no one gasped in horror or called in the S.W.A.T. team. If you wanted something fancy in the way of cutlery you bought a knife made in England or Germany, but that was really just for showing off. A lot of us carry American-made pocket knives that belonged to our grandfathers. Those knives do not feature Chinese pictures of Chinese John Wayne or Chinese American eagles; real tools don’t need ornamentation. They simply work.
The nice people in Alabama who assembled inexpensive wind-up alarm clocks out of metal and glass had this archaic concept that an alarm clock should tell time and that if you set it to ring at 0600 it would actually ring – usually somewhere between 0545 and 0615, but then, you were buying plain-vanilla American functionality at a reasonable price and not German craftsmanship at a German price.
But now, over breakfast early this century, it was something of a rare treat to praise a Famous Name Brand product that, although made in China, actually worked.
The joy was transitory.
After visiting with my friend I drove over to Famous Name Iconic pet store to buy a box of Famous Name Iconic doggie treats. When I got home and opened the box of Famous Name Iconic doggie treats I was suddenly enveloped in a cloud of small, moth-like critters. Now I don’t know about your pups, but mine aren’t much for moths; they’re picky like that. I immediately took the cloud of airborne critters and their box outside.
I telephoned the 1-800-Your-Call-Is-Important-To-Us number and May answered. Now on some other occasion I would be happy to assist May (for some reason I don’t think that’s really her name) improve her rudimentary English-language skills, but my mission was doggie treats. Sometimes it’s all about the doggie treats. So I rang off and emailed to Famous Name Iconic pet store a polite letter in block format stating that I would be returning the box of moths next week in exchange for a box of doggie treats, and that I would like to open the next box in the store to verify that there are no extraneous life forms in residence.
And you know how this will work out -- if you want to play Godzilla and cause people to flee in terror, just go to a store and look like you might need some assistance.
While I was on the ‘net I looked up the name of the company with reference to complaints, and there were lots of ‘em. I don’t know how reliable any of the complaints were. One lady complained bitterly because she had bought a pet rat from Famous Iconic Name pet store and she had run up thousands of dollars of veterinarian bills for her sick rat. Where to begin, where to begin.
Maybe it’s because she had to pay for her rat; my moth-thingies came for free.
Maybe they’re iconic moths.
Say, what do you get if you cross your rat with a moth?
Mickey Moth!
Sorry. I’ll go quietly and iconically now.
-30-
Pre-Broken Icon
Mack Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Broken Before You Buy It
Many American retailers, ever on the trailing edge of progress, have eliminated the need for you to use up or wear out products you buy; the products are now often broken even before you buy them. Instant landfill!
For the benefit of the fashionable, the iconic author of this iconic piece will now re-cast the iconic first paragraph in the iconic contemporary iconic idiom: Many iconic American retailers, ever on the iconic trailing edge of iconic progress, have eliminated the iconic need for iconic you to use up or wear out iconic products you buy; the iconic products are now often broken even before you buy iconic them.
Gentle Reader, you may now employ your own icons.
Two reliable signs of ageing are maintaining hummingbird feeders and bellyaching about how things used to be built better. A friend and I (we both feed hummingbirds) were marveling the other day about how we had each bought an item in the previous week that actually worked, and how functionality had become so rare that it was a topic of conversation.
You see, children, once upon a time long, long ago, back in th’ day, when you bought something – coffee maker, pencil, pocketknife, alarm clock – the item actually worked. You didn’t bother to save receipts because the concept of implied merchantability.
If you bought a coffee pot, the thing made coffee. For years and years.
Pencils from upstate New York – the cedar smelled great when you sharpened them, and they made a nice, clean line.
You sharpened your pencil with your good ol’ American pocket knife, and no one gasped in horror or called in the S.W.A.T. team. If you wanted something fancy in the way of cutlery you bought a knife made in England or Germany, but that was really just for showing off. A lot of us carry American-made pocket knives that belonged to our grandfathers. Those knives do not feature Chinese pictures of Chinese John Wayne or Chinese American eagles; real tools don’t need ornamentation. They simply work.
The nice people in Alabama who assembled inexpensive wind-up alarm clocks out of metal and glass had this archaic concept that an alarm clock should tell time and that if you set it to ring at 0600 it would actually ring – usually somewhere between 0545 and 0615, but then, you were buying plain-vanilla American functionality at a reasonable price and not German craftsmanship at a German price.
But now, over breakfast early this century, it was something of a rare treat to praise a Famous Name Brand product that, although made in China, actually worked.
The joy was transitory.
After visiting with my friend I drove over to Famous Name Iconic pet store to buy a box of Famous Name Iconic doggie treats. When I got home and opened the box of Famous Name Iconic doggie treats I was suddenly enveloped in a cloud of small, moth-like critters. Now I don’t know about your pups, but mine aren’t much for moths; they’re picky like that. I immediately took the cloud of airborne critters and their box outside.
I telephoned the 1-800-Your-Call-Is-Important-To-Us number and May answered. Now on some other occasion I would be happy to assist May (for some reason I don’t think that’s really her name) improve her rudimentary English-language skills, but my mission was doggie treats. Sometimes it’s all about the doggie treats. So I rang off and emailed to Famous Name Iconic pet store a polite letter in block format stating that I would be returning the box of moths next week in exchange for a box of doggie treats, and that I would like to open the next box in the store to verify that there are no extraneous life forms in residence.
And you know how this will work out -- if you want to play Godzilla and cause people to flee in terror, just go to a store and look like you might need some assistance.
While I was on the ‘net I looked up the name of the company with reference to complaints, and there were lots of ‘em. I don’t know how reliable any of the complaints were. One lady complained bitterly because she had bought a pet rat from Famous Iconic Name pet store and she had run up thousands of dollars of veterinarian bills for her sick rat. Where to begin, where to begin.
Maybe it’s because she had to pay for her rat; my moth-thingies came for free.
Maybe they’re iconic moths.
Say, what do you get if you cross your rat with a moth?
Mickey Moth!
Sorry. I’ll go quietly and iconically now.
-30-
Mhall46184@aol.com
Broken Before You Buy It
Many American retailers, ever on the trailing edge of progress, have eliminated the need for you to use up or wear out products you buy; the products are now often broken even before you buy them. Instant landfill!
For the benefit of the fashionable, the iconic author of this iconic piece will now re-cast the iconic first paragraph in the iconic contemporary iconic idiom: Many iconic American retailers, ever on the iconic trailing edge of iconic progress, have eliminated the iconic need for iconic you to use up or wear out iconic products you buy; the iconic products are now often broken even before you buy iconic them.
Gentle Reader, you may now employ your own icons.
Two reliable signs of ageing are maintaining hummingbird feeders and bellyaching about how things used to be built better. A friend and I (we both feed hummingbirds) were marveling the other day about how we had each bought an item in the previous week that actually worked, and how functionality had become so rare that it was a topic of conversation.
You see, children, once upon a time long, long ago, back in th’ day, when you bought something – coffee maker, pencil, pocketknife, alarm clock – the item actually worked. You didn’t bother to save receipts because the concept of implied merchantability.
If you bought a coffee pot, the thing made coffee. For years and years.
Pencils from upstate New York – the cedar smelled great when you sharpened them, and they made a nice, clean line.
You sharpened your pencil with your good ol’ American pocket knife, and no one gasped in horror or called in the S.W.A.T. team. If you wanted something fancy in the way of cutlery you bought a knife made in England or Germany, but that was really just for showing off. A lot of us carry American-made pocket knives that belonged to our grandfathers. Those knives do not feature Chinese pictures of Chinese John Wayne or Chinese American eagles; real tools don’t need ornamentation. They simply work.
The nice people in Alabama who assembled inexpensive wind-up alarm clocks out of metal and glass had this archaic concept that an alarm clock should tell time and that if you set it to ring at 0600 it would actually ring – usually somewhere between 0545 and 0615, but then, you were buying plain-vanilla American functionality at a reasonable price and not German craftsmanship at a German price.
But now, over breakfast early this century, it was something of a rare treat to praise a Famous Name Brand product that, although made in China, actually worked.
The joy was transitory.
After visiting with my friend I drove over to Famous Name Iconic pet store to buy a box of Famous Name Iconic doggie treats. When I got home and opened the box of Famous Name Iconic doggie treats I was suddenly enveloped in a cloud of small, moth-like critters. Now I don’t know about your pups, but mine aren’t much for moths; they’re picky like that. I immediately took the cloud of airborne critters and their box outside.
I telephoned the 1-800-Your-Call-Is-Important-To-Us number and May answered. Now on some other occasion I would be happy to assist May (for some reason I don’t think that’s really her name) improve her rudimentary English-language skills, but my mission was doggie treats. Sometimes it’s all about the doggie treats. So I rang off and emailed to Famous Name Iconic pet store a polite letter in block format stating that I would be returning the box of moths next week in exchange for a box of doggie treats, and that I would like to open the next box in the store to verify that there are no extraneous life forms in residence.
And you know how this will work out -- if you want to play Godzilla and cause people to flee in terror, just go to a store and look like you might need some assistance.
While I was on the ‘net I looked up the name of the company with reference to complaints, and there were lots of ‘em. I don’t know how reliable any of the complaints were. One lady complained bitterly because she had bought a pet rat from Famous Iconic Name pet store and she had run up thousands of dollars of veterinarian bills for her sick rat. Where to begin, where to begin.
Maybe it’s because she had to pay for her rat; my moth-thingies came for free.
Maybe they’re iconic moths.
Say, what do you get if you cross your rat with a moth?
Mickey Moth!
Sorry. I’ll go quietly and iconically now.
-30-
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