John Bolton Rattles his Moustache of War - Doggerel

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

John Bolton Rattles his Moustache of War

The National Security Advisor
In all his frumpery and trumpery
Waves his combat moustache menacingly
Backed up by each nuclear incisor

He threatens Iran with his “hell to pay”
Word missiles through his bristles - “We will come after you!”
Omitting to say (through his facial hairdo)
His child won’t go, but only yours – hooray!

For his own combat record is no joke:
He bravely fought the Cong around Fort Polk

The Teletype Machine in CASABLANCA - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

The Teletype Machine in Casablanca

To all officers: 504 ERROR
Two German couriers DIAGNOSED WITH AFIB
THIS HAND LOTION IS carrying official documents
murdered on train from LIKE US FOLLOW US

Screen freeze: restart

Oran. AN ERROR OCCURRED IN THE SCRIPT
Murderer ELIMINATES LAUNDRY ODORS
and possible JAW DROPPING accomplices
headed for NOT RESPONDING Casablanca.

Screen freeze: restart

WE’VE GOT AN UPGRADE FOR YOU round up all
suspicious characters TRY IT YOURSELF

Screen freeze: restart



Thanks to:
https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=casablanca
for access to the script of Casablanca.

Our Lady of Walsingham - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

Our Lady of Walsingham

O how beautiful is Our Lady Queen!
Queen of our hearts and hopes, and of the May
Sweet Empress over forest, down, and dene,
And happy Sunrise over the pilgrim’s way

O let us crown Our Queen with leaf and flower
Gathered this morning in the dawnlit dew
For we in this Island are Her true dower
Pledging our faith with thorn and rose and yew

She gives us Her feast day, cool and quiet and green -
O how beautiful is Our Lady Queen!

#TheNewSwastika# - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

#TheNewSwastika#

#iobey #meweak #isubmit #mefollow
#idon’tthink #pleasedon’tdisapproveofme
#itoo #allin #mecomrade #iobedient
#idesperate # mecabbage #Ilabelled

#ilicensedmerchandise #meclothingtag
#willyoubemyfriend? #mehatewhatyouhate
#idoasiamtold #mehavenocharacter
#ichantanddanceandwave#mesacrifice

           They’ll hate you, you know, if you walk away,
           Think for yourself, and refuse to obey

Harvest Time in the Fens: Saint Michael's Church, Chesterton

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

Harvest Time in the Fens

St. Michael’s Church, Chesterton

A calendar knows little of a day,
Of any day; its arbitrary squares
Mark seasons as they amble on their way
From holy Advent ‘til the harvest fairs,

When summer’s crops, all red and gold and blue,
Along with piglets, ducks, some well-fed hens,
Are carted squeaking, squealing, creaking to
Saint Michael’s fields in the Anglian fens.

Old Father William lifts a pint (no less!)
With farmers selling cows and chicks and corn,
For he is merry too, and quick to bless
The laboring marsh-folk on this autumn morn.

Earth, sky, and air mark seasons as they fall,
And soon comes Martinmas, joyfully, for all.


Chesterton, in ancient Huntingdonshire (only those who know not God claim that Hunts is but a division of Cambridgeshire), is the home of my de Beauville / Beauville / Beville / Bevil ancestors.

St. Michael’s Church was built ca. 1295 and contains several memorials to the Bevilles and the tomb of William Beville, +1487. I do not know if there was ever any bit of land designated as “Saint Michael’s Fields”; I wrote that in for the sake of an autumn fair.

Dispatches from the Colonial Office - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

Dispatches from the Colonial Office

Sometimes they are all Up the Down Staircase:
Please use the computer we never gave you
Respond to the directive we never sent
And send again the grades you sent last month

You have thirty students in your night class
The adjunct next to you has only six
Well, no, you don’t get any more pay than him
           I mean “than he”
We’re miffed that you even asked about that

Your roof is leaking only because it’s raining
And you’re overdue on your pervert training

20 September 1870 - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

20 September 1870

Like vultures hovering over the faithful dead
The rank red rags of base repression hung
Upon the blast-breeched walls of captive Rome;
The smoke of conquest fouled the ancient streets
While mocking conquerors marched their betters
At the point of enlightened bayonets
To the scientific future, murdering those
Who bore themselves with quiet dignity

False, sinister Savoy sneered in disdain
At ancient truths, this costumed reprobate
Who played at soldier once the firing ceased,
And claimed Saint Peter’s patrimony on
The corpses of the merely useful who
With this day’s slogans fresh upon their lips
At dawn advanced upon the remnant walls
So thinly held by so the last faithful few

And thus befeathered fat Vittorio
Was given his victory by better men
On both sides there, their corpses looted by
The pallid inheritors of Progress
The son of a Sardinian spurred his horse
Along the streets of now obedient Rome
And to the Quirinal by a passage broad
And finally to the Ardeatine Caves

A Venus Flytrap Justifies its Diet of Flesh - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

A Venus Flytrap Justifies its Diet of Flesh

I mean, like, veg, you couldn’t expect me to eat
A fellow vegetable, a kindred soul
One in spirit with me, with woody cells
Made in the image of the Great Carrot

The animals don’t feel pain like we do
They have no sense of being, they have no soul
And humans need to be farm-raised in pens
And really, veg, they’re happier that way

I’m studied in all such matters agrarian
And, yum! I love me a tasty vegetarian!

I Lost a Major Credit Card, Apparently in Mumbai - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

I Lost a Major Credit Card, Apparently in Mumbai

For security and training purposes
this call may be monitored to access
your account by card number press 1
to access your account by social press 2
to access your balance press 1 to report
a lost or stolen card press 2 beep beep
buzz buzz this is tiffany how may I
help you today I understand what is
the number on the back of the card I
understand what is your social what is
your bank what is your date of birth you’re not
at home I understand what is your home
number for verification where can
we send emergency cash oh you don’t
need emergency cash but you are not
at home I understand what is your date
of birth what is your social is this your
current address what is your bank press 2
when was your last transaction on this card
a lost or stolen card press 2 beep beep
buzz buzz this is tiffany how may I
help you today I understand what is
the number on the back of the card I
understand what is your social what is
your bank what is your date of birth you’re not
at home I understand what is your home
number for verification where can
we send emergency cash oh you don’t
need emergency cash but you are not
at home I understand what is your date
of birth what is your social is this your
current address what is your bank press 2
what is the number on the back of your card
a lost or stolen card press 2 beep beep
buzz buzz this is tiffany how may I
help you today I understand what is
the number on the back of the card I
understand what is your social what is
your bank what is your date of birth you’re not
at home I understand what is your home
number for verification where can
we send emergency cash oh you don’t
need emergency cash but you are not
at home I understand what is your date
of birth what is your social is this your
current address what is your bank press 2
you should receive your new card in seven
to ten days how can I help you further today?

Well, I could do with a new brain, ha, ha

But Tiffany from Mumbai does not laugh

Life is an Unreliable Narrator - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

Life is an Unreliable Narrator

The typewriter misses one of its keys
Every word is an orphan, and the lines
Wither away in an unfurnished room
Above a garage infested with ghosts

     Life is an unreliable narrator

The phone that isn’t connected doesn’t ring
While past-due notices fight among themselves
And on the hot plate macaroni boils
Sometimes you can see islands in the steam

      Life is an unreliable narrator

You’ve got a gift; that’s what everyone said

But

Your worn-thin sleeping bag is still your bed

     Life is an unreliable narrator

Everybody Comes to Rick's Pancake House Franchise - doggerel

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

Everybody Comes to Rick’s Pancake House Franchise

Changing the channels in the middle of the night
Mixing old plots into a new program
Ugatti sells tickets to an illegal fight
Another quarter for the juke box, Sam

Patrick McGoohan strides angrily into Rick’s
But finds that he has lost his credit card
Vultures, vultures everywhere, Number Six
Ilsa falls for Major Strasser quite hard

Rick’s Place is purchased by Raymond Massey
And Leonard Cohen in his famous blue coat
Emails of transit from Kate Beckinsale, so classy -
‘Tis she who leaves poor Rick that rain-stained note

And Captain Reynaud?

He ends his days pushing each shopping cart
In from the parking lot down at Wal-Mart

"A Cave of Young Earth Dragons" - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

The Poetry of John Keats is not Safe

You may find there “a cave of young earth dragons”
Or with a “sea-born goddess” fall in love
You might not escape “La Belle Dame Sans Merci”
Or finish reading all your “high-piled books”

Yet “tender is the night” when sings the nightingale
And you are shown that all “Beauty is truth”
Through your soul, “The wanderer by moonlight”
And there “like pious incense” the hours pass

Though in that “season of mists” one’s life must end
“Go not to Lethe,” but sail on with the wind

1 “Ben Nevis”
2 “Endymion”
3 “La Belle Dame Sans Merci”
4 “When I Have Fears that I may Cease to Be”
5 “Ode to a Nightingale”
6 “Ode on a Grecian Urn”
7 “I Stood Tip-Toe Upon a Little Hill”
8 “The Eve of Saint Agnes”
9 “To Autumn”
10 “Ode on Melancholy”

Crises Both Foreign and Domestic Reduced to Dogs and Cats - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

Crises Both Foreign and Domestic Reduced to Dogs and Cats

World leaders thunder denunciations

          But my dachshund puppy annoys the cats

Bombing planes fly in nuclear drills

          But my dachshund puppy just ate a moth

Religious leaders are shredding their files

          But my dachshund puppy barfed up that moth

I don’t know if I’ll lose my job next year

         But my dachshund puppy got spanked by Queen Cat

The fat boys on the radio yell a lot

         But my dachshund puppy is barking mindlessly

My senator says he stands up for the flag

         But my dachshund puppy is stealing the cat food

My president seems to play golf for the flag

          But my dachshund puppy is napping in the sun

And the cats are quite happy about that

We've Ridden Out Storms of Bad Reporting Before - a column about hurricane reporters

Lawrence Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com

We’ve Ridden Out Storms of Bad Reporting Before

There is nothing amusing about hurricanes; they are destructive and deadly. May God protect all who are menaced by them.

However, the babblings and posturings of some resume’-obsessed national reporters during hurricanes are indeed amusing. The detached observer wonders if these clevers might assume that petitions to God are addressed to them.

In reporting foul weather there are only so many ways one can say “wind,” “rain,” “tornado,” and “storm surge,” and so the keyboard commandos keep flooding (so to speak) readers and viewers with the same old metaphors and similes.

Here, then, is a catalogue of clichés to read and consider before abandoning Cyrus Heather-Shannon Trevor Neville Ponsonby of World Global Universal News Digital Cable Satellite Network to the dark waters and changing the channel to Flip this Senator off the Island:

Rain event. We’re not out of the woods. Dodged the bullet. A storm is brewing. Building up steam. Losing steam. Wreaking havoc. Left a swath of destruction it its wake. Changed my life forever. Mother Nature’s wrath. Mother Nature’s Fury. Mother Nature’s Vengeance. Decimated. Trees snapped like matchsticks. Mother of all hurricanes. Batten down the hatches. Hunker down (that always seems somewhat vulgar). Roofs peeled back like sardine cans. Cars tossed about like matchboxes. Boats tossed about like matchboxes. Boats smashed like match boxes. Boats bobbing about like corks. Rain coming down in sheets (never blankets or comforters). Calm before the storm, usually eerie. Calm in the eye of the hurricane, always eerie. Like a ghost town. Perfect storm. Katrina, Katrina, Katrina. Storm of the century. Storm of a lifetime time. Looks like a warzone. Reduced to rubble. Debris field. Fish storm. Bearing down. Lashing. Roaring. Pounding. Swirling. Spinning. Barreling. Striking. Hitting. Storming ashore (well, yes, storming is what storms do).

Finally, any meaningful reporting is frequently interrupted for the visual cliché of some stupid man or woman doing stupid things for the camera. Wearing his Baron von Richthofen goggles and with his L.L. Bean hoodie flapping in harmony with just-the-right street sign the Dan Rather manqué clings to a palm tree and gasps into a microphone the obvious fact that he is an idiot who has gone outside in a hurricane.

All across this great land television viewers are laughing at this absurd figure and taking bets on whether he will be swept away.

No charitable man or woman would ever wish anyone harm, of course, except for motivational speakers, but there can be few people so insensitive and so hard-hearted and so lacking in charity that they would not weep tears of joy to see a national network drama-mama-papa and his cosmic microphone of existential doom pressured-washed down the street for a block or two.

We can dream.

-30-

The Hour of Our Lord 0945 - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

The Hour of Our Lord 0945
 

I.

Few of us seek for any of those keys
Of which graduation orators speak
Nor would most bother with the battery
In that old lamp of which they’ve never heard

They do not push against a golden door
They expect all doors to be opened for them
They read no books, they do not read, they feel
They only feel, they do not write, they stare

So emptily away, then back again
An empty stare into, within the self
The empty chatter of the ceaseless self
Each self in pain from arrogant self-pity

Each centers himself in a universe
His universe of the eternal now
His universe of the eternal me
And thinks not of beyond himself at all

But, still –

II.

There are those few who seek for eternal Truth
Not for some shabby metaphorical keys;
They light the lamp, they lift the lamp, and look
Not at themselves but at the light, the Light

They shyly, slowly open the wardrobe door
They peek inside, they look, they see, they see
A world beyond their own; they step into
And through, and so they are given themselves

They seek for something else, and find themselves
A world of words and music and magic and light
And the Light is not them but upon them
The Light is the center, and gives them light

They give away themselves and so gain crowns
Unasked and so more happily received
They read and write and sing the happiness
Unasked and thus given, among the stars

III.

Forever

"Sounds, and Sweet Airs..." - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

“Sounds, and Sweet Airs…”

Be not afeard. The isle is full of noises,

Sounds, and sweet airs that give delight and hurt not.

The Tempest III.ii.129-130

Be not
Afraid
Iambs
Are just
The way
We speak
They are
Our natch
Ural
Rhythm

Or:

Be not afraid; iambs are just the way
We speak; they are our natural rhythm 1

Sometimes they must be squashed a bit, and then
(Hear “natural” as two syllables, a pair

Othertimes “natural” is read as three) –
Be a skilled artist in your poetry!

1 “Rhythm” is a trochee, not an iamb
But let it stay, that poor, little lost lamb

"Then Grandpa Shot Billy" - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

“Then Grandpa Shot Billy”

The merry banter of the waitress flirting
With her old men the negotiations
For a coffee refill the rattle of flatware
And the clatter-clat of the breakfast plates

The buzz of conversation and over there
A Bible verse and a head bowed in thanks
“Then Grandpa shot Billy” and too the hum
Of how’s-the-weather going to be later on

The usual beginning to another work day…
But wait…but what…what did that old man say?

"Beyond These Symbols" - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46185@aol.com

“Beyond These Symbols”

How attractive he is, and how beset
By those stuffy boots on a Roman hill
How progressive, how forward, how brilliant
And how attached to the bubbly How Now

How fashionable with all his little books
So happenin’, so 1928
“Beyond these symbols” he writes the fashions
About some bones (so conveniently lost)

In the Gobi Desert he dug a tooth
And then upon this molar built his
                                                              truth?

Nature Study with Apple and Cherry and Oak - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

Nature Study with Apple and Cherry and Oak

In the work cart I find a luna moth
And is it dead? With gentle hands I lift…
And off it flies! into the sunlit leaves
Breeze-wavy in the pale September sun

Among the apple and cherry and oak

I labor away at summer’s excess
And clear the paths and glades of weatherfall
Sorting out litter to a merry fire
And billets to store for the winter hearth

Sweet gifts of apple and cherry and oak

The bees seem to wonder what I’m about
Sitting awhile, and thinking the summer out

Beneath the apple and cherry and oak

The Obituary of a Rural Minister Gone to his Lord and Saviour - poem

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@ol.com

The Obituary of a Rural Minister Gone to his Lord and Saviour

The evil that men do lives after them

-Julius Caesar III.iii.80-81

The eulogist speaks of the childhood roots
Of a preacher into poverty born
Amusing stories of the Good Ol’ Days
And of the hometown girl he came to love

The eulogist speaks of the ministry
To which the preacher and his wife were called
Their souls twinned in service to God and man
And of the catalogue of sinners saved

The eulogist speaks of the preacher’s soul -
But not of that dear family’s home he stole