Blame the Welder

Mack Hall

The first smoke had barely risen from a famous no-tell in Las Vegas before someone said that the fire was probably caused by – surprise -- a welder’s spark.

Why is almost every fire attributed to a welder’s spark? Why is the cause never an accountant’s cigarette? Or someone’s made-in-China electric heater octopussed into one outlet along with a computer, a television, and a hair dryer?

Welders, who practice applied metallurgy, must study for multiple certifications before they may perform their art and science with a catalogue of impedimenta, including gasses, glasses, rods, electrical gadgets, helmets, and safety lines, and are repeatedly tested by each employer or contractor. A welder is thus highly unlikely to be unaware that his endeavors involve the generation of great heat.

Surely no welder ever said "Gee, I don’t want to make a mess; let me spread lots of old newspaper on the floor beneath this task," or perhaps "Hmmm, I’ll bet this job would go faster if I propped these two pieces of metal across a couple of tanks of gasoline."

And yet, for all their knowledge and experience, welders are the first to receive scornful scowls of uniformed judgment and focused fingers of Clintonian accusation when an unplanned fire spoils someone’s afternoon.

One begins to infer that the phrase "welder’s spark" is coded into some sort of speed-dial system for news agencies.

Is there a fire in a hundred-year-old building amateurishly re-wired by its owners based on internet directions? Must be a welder’s spark.

Is a ship aflame off Alaska? Must be a welder’s spark.

Does a sensitive senator suffer a headache? Must be a welder’s spark.

That busy little welder’s spark sure gets around. What other mischief might a welder’s spark cause?

Colonel Mustard murdered Professor Plum in the library with a welder’s spark.

Macbeth famously asked "Is this is a welder’s spark which I see before me…?"

High school athletes may be tested for illicit welders’ sparks.

California legalizes sniffing welder’s sparks by prescription.

Angelina Jolie is pregnant by a welder’s spark.

Police and animal control officers raid filthy house crowded with starving welders’ sparks.

President Bill Clinton blames Senator Obama for playing the welders’ sparks card.

Welders’ sparks cause global warming.

Child mauled by unleashed welders’ sparks.

James Dobson says welders’ sparks are not a real religion.

Detroit Mayor sends steamy welders’ sparks to his lover via email.

Activists demand that welders’ sparks be removed from school vending machines.

Yep, you can bet your cigarette lighter, candles, leaky gas cans, and overloaded circuits on this – the first reporter on the scene of a fire will always blame it on a welder’s spark.