Beggars, Urban Climbers, and the Environment

Mack Hall

Last week one of the world’s superfluous rich climbed the New York Times Building (is there a connection?) to unfold a banner maintaining that economic activity – that is, working – is more deadly than the Muslim attacks on this country in 2001.

This activist-drone travels by jet around the world climbing buildings in the name of environmentalism (whatever that really is). One wonders how large his carbon buttprint is.

Better yet, how large would his carbon-based life form splatter-print be if he were to go ooopsy and fall? The only problem is that he might fall on someone who actually works for a living.

Activists are people who expect you to give them money for not doing much except travelling around and telling you what to think. Local television stations seem fond of these parasites. If some nutter bicycles through town wearing pink feathers and maintaining that he is pedalling coast to coast in order to raise money for hamster-abuse awareness, you can expect to see him being taken seriously by some wide-eyed young reporter on the evening news.

Begging may be beating out looking for a job. On a typical Saturday one cannot drive anywhere without having to slow down for a gauntlet of begging youths who no longer even plead the fig-leaf of a carwash. Three questions obtain:

1. Why do adults endanger children by setting them to begging in the streets and along highways?

2. Why do adults set children to begging at all?

3. Why should you give money to some fat kid standing around with a poster and his cell-phone? Couldn’t he go climb a building or something?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. This could work – or, rather, beg. The next time the Cletusville Newts are up for the semi-bi-whatever-district-pre-playoff-almost-championships in Weatherford, their parents and coaches could have them climb buildings with protest signs: IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME MONEY TO SEND ME TO THE CHESS CHAMPIONSHIPS IN WEATHERFORD YOU HATE THE ENVIRONMENT. AND YOU HATE JESUS, TOO.

The problem is that we don’t have many dramatic buildings around here. Protestors and beggers will have to learn how to shinny up blue FEMA tarps. Kids are good at climbing, and they’re less likely to be run over by a 1968 Chrysler or abducted by a vanload of paedophiles while they’re up on a roof.

Imagine some protester climbing up the side of your house some morning:

“Hey, man, what’re you doing on my roof?”

“Can’t you read the sign, you anti-environmental fascist? I’m raising awareness about Hurricane Katrina! Gimme some money!”

“Get down from there; you’re tearing up my FEMA tarp!”

“I can’t; your dog’s got me treed!”

“Good dog.”

Perhaps the best response to the roadside beggar-children who swarm your car at intersections is to beg in return: “No, kid, you give me some spare change; I just bought a tank of gas.”