What Would Mrs. Jesus Do?

Mack Hall

What Would Mrs. Jesus Do?

An editor at Smith College, a college which you can’t afford, has written a piece in the stunningly misnamed Smithsophian (“sophia” is Greek for wisdom) proclaiming Barack You’re-Not-Allowed-to-Mention-His-Middle-Name Obama to be her personal Jesus. Her Jesus, and, yes, yours too.

Gentle Reader, you can read the Gospel According to Saint Maggie at:http://media.www.smithsophian.com/media/storage/paper587/news/2008/09/18/Opinions/i.Will.Follow.Him.Obama.As.My.Personal.Jesus-3440311.shtml?reffeature=recentlycommentedstoriestab.

Now that this specimen of America’s northeastern Leader Class has declared Obama to be Jesus, one wonders what role Mrs. Obama will share as co-Saviour, since by extending the definition she is Mrs. Jesus.

How will Mrs. Jesus order coffee from the White House staff in the mornings? Perhaps she will touch a little button at the bedside and say “This is Mrs. Jesus; Our Lord and Saviour Obama – and My husband, don’t forget – would like a cup of Jamaican Blue Mountain now.”

Ordering the right wines for a White House state dinner for visiting kings and presidents and mahdis and muftis will be a snap, though: “My Lord and Saviour Obama, please turn this City of Washington tap water into a nice Chauteau Neuf du Pape for our guests.”

Imagine Mrs. Jesus at a parent-teacher conference: “You WILL give my child an ‘A.’ Don’t you know who I AM? Don’t make me get my husband Jesus in here to straighten you people out!”

Do Jesus and Mrs. Jesus tip the waiters at restaurants, or is a blessing adequate?

Will Mrs. Jesus complain to the manager if the salesgirl at the department store just can’t seem to fit Mrs. Jesus’ new Nike / Cartier / Dooney & Bourke halo just right?

Scripture refers to Jesus appearing and disappearing at will, so clearly Obama-Jesus won’t need Air Force One, but what about Mrs. Jesus?

Think about Billy Graham offering thanks to Jesus for His many blessings before a White House prayer breakfast, and Mrs. Jesus reminding him: “Hey! Hey! You forgot about ME! I’m MRS. Jesus, thank you very much. Don’t forget My Name in your next prayer, pal!”

And God – that is, Obama – alone knows what directives Mrs. Jesus will be issuing to the Bishop of Rome.

Of course Mrs. Jesus might not care too much about Maggie-the-editor and other undergraduate women swooning over her (or Her) husband. “Back off, honey; this Saviour’s mine.”

Sigh.

One infers that Plato’s Republic and Aristotle’s Politics are no longer read by Smith College undergraduates. But you, gentle reader, can find them in the book store or online. Perhaps you'd better hurry.