The Japan-Venus Axis of Miyuki

Mack Hall


Japan’s new first lady, Miyuki Hatoyama, claims to have travelled to Venus on a space ship and to have known Tom Cruise in a past life when he was Japanese.

Oh, yeah. And maybe she took her kids shopping in Paris aboard a Japanese government matter-displacement-machine-thingie.

I think we can agree that the batteries in this woman’s E-meter need replacing.

Mrs. Hatoyama has enjoyed a number of careers, including writing cookbooks. Hey, lady, ya gotta watch those mushrooms in the next edition, okay?

One imagines what the wives’ part of a state visit to the USA might involve, with Mrs. Obama opening the conversation by asking "Hey, would you like to visit the kids’ vegetable garden?"

Mrs. Hatoyama might reply with "Oh, yes! My 2,452 transmigrated oversouls and I had such a lovely garden on the planet Venus several million years ago. That’s Venusian years, of course, not Earth years."

"Er…okay. And perhaps we can have a nice cup of tea outside on this lovely Washington day."

"I’d like that, Mrs. Obama. Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise used to serve me tea in a galaxy far, far away. A 1960 Ford Galaxy, I think. He always said I would have been his first choice for ship’s counselor, you know."

"Umm…"

"And where are your lovely children, Mrs. Obama? I always say that children make the nicest window ornaments. I just love children; they go so well when stir-fried over charcoal and served with a nice red wine."

"Oh, well, gosh, they had lessons late at school today. I’m so sorry you’re going to miss them."

"Oh, too bad. I was looking forward to telling them about being a Cosmic Geisha at the Space Academy when Tom Cruise was a mediaeval emperor of Japan and well on his way to becoming The Lord High Master of the Universe until he was magicked into a lime-green toadstool by the jealous perfidious chamberlain Snargborth employing the spell-casting Klingon wand he stole from the tormented Keepers of the Blue Cave on the Planet Forsooth in the Fourth Dimension of the Gatekeepers of Doom. He addressed the children on the first day of school, you know. Before he was a toadstool, I mean."

"Oh, yes, my husband did that this year. Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck turned red and purple, and almost died of strokes. Not that you could tell any difference with Glenn Beck."

"I so wanted to address all the children of Japan on the first day of school this year, but when my husband the prime minister read my speech about the importance of daily nuclear colon cleansing he suggested that I needed a nice vacation at this darling resort in Switzerland. They had the nicest injections there, and I got to meet Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson. They have such intriguing oversouls, and naturally have visited all the poshest planets. I gave them autographed copies of my children’s cookbook. Hmmm…I wonder who did address the children."

"I’m sure it worked out for the best, my dear. I wonder where our husbands are?…pssst…Secret Service…my location, now…set phasers on stun…"