Having the Neighbors for Supper

Mack Hall

Near Herxheim, a small town in the Rhineland-Palatinate, archaeologists have found the fragmented remains of some 500 folks who were apparently eaten by their friends and neighbors 7,000 years ago.

The BBC was too, too pleased to locate Herxheim in southwestern Germany, but a mediaeval border incident involving a kilometer or two could just as easily have placed the little town in eastern France. And you know what they say about French cooking.

Hey, what a name for the local football team, eh? The Herxheim Omnivores. Herxheim Herbivores would be more alliterative but, alas, inaccurate.

One indication of anthropophagia was the preserved remnants of fast-food bags labeled Johann-in-der-Box and containing bits of Johann.

Noshing on one’s fellows is rare in Europe, except for that quiet little man next door who was such a good neighbor and kept his lawn tidy, so scientists from the University of Bordeaux (and a glass of Bordeaux always goes well with a meat dish) speculate that this was a rare event caused by a famine.

The Copenhagen crowd hasn’t opined on the matter of 7,000–year-old carbon footprints near Herxheim but there were certainly carbonized ladyfingers.

In those days a lunch invitation would sure make one nervous.

Hey, about hobo stew?

And dining out could cost an arm and a leg.

A restaurant advertising German cooking would mean it.

A kid playing with a friend might begin to worry if the friend’s mother appeared at the door with a carving knife and called out “Heinrich, stop playing with your food!”

“Clean your plate, son; there are kids starving in China who would love to have your cousin Dieter.”

Fast food would mean a track star from the snack bar.

Cap’n Crunch was seafood to the neoliths.

And kids speak disapprovingly of the school lunch these days.

Country cooking would be Hank Williams en brochette.

Diners might complain to the chef about the guitarist who was too stringy.

Oh, well, that’s enough anthropophagic humor in your morning newspaper. Now go ahead and eat your breakfast – whoever it was.