The World's Largest Shopping Mall and Noodle Cart

Mack Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com

The World’s Largest Shopping Mall and Noodle Cart

The world’s largest shopping mall is open for business, but the business isn’t there.

The New South China Mall (is there an Old South China?) features 2,350 spaces for lease, but only about fifty are taken.

With so much empty spaces, mall rats in the New South China Mall really are rats, squeaking about in loneliness along the kilometers of empty hallways.

There is no Target store, of course, for in the glorious People’s Republic of China anyone who disagrees with The People becomes the target. It’s sort of like dealing with the American Department of Justice, a division of the S.E.I.U..

The good part about an empty mall is that finding a parking space is no problem.

And Chinese food? “Hey, kids, we’ll meet at the food court at eleven.”

“But Dad, where’s the food court?”

“Oh, about two miles thataway you’ll find Mrs. Chin’s noodle cart. You can’t miss it; just look for the one light bulb in the mall that’s switched on.”

Organizing a rave would be a problem, though: “This is Sino-Dude evr 1 meet by the Xtreem Jeans Outlet Depot that duznt xist for a r8ve.”

“This is Shanghai Lil over by Cheap Plastic Extreeme Sneaker City that also doesn’t exist. Where is Xtreem Jeans Outlet Depot since there izzn 1?”

“Yeh, guys, this is Beijing Bomber Boy at Xtreem Snail and Eel Kitchen Express which never moved in. Where are y’all?”

“Help! I’m at Old New Jersey Exteeeeeme Cell Phone Outfitters Supply Company Xpress which is empty and all I see is some old guy with bad breath who tells me I need to get right with Buddha. Help! Find me!”

Given the lack of customers, the one book store is named Books-a-Dozen.

Coffee is available at RedStarbuck’s, and there is a HallMarxist store specializing in sympathy cards for political prisoners:

Dear (former) Comrade Sister,
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Hu Jin-Tao’s
Got a death sentence for you

Dear (former) Cousin Comrade Chang,
I detest
Your protest arrest
But I warned you, dude,
And I wasn’t rude
You know our laws
And all their flaws
Surely you cannot
Think it so odd
That due process in China
Is a firing squad

The New South China Mall might be empty because instead of shopping some of the Chinese people are busy working 16-hour days in unsafe factories for poor wages and others are occupied in conquering Asia and in stripping Africa of her mineral wealth. Given this, new uses of the near-empty shopping mall could be dreamed up. Since China is densely populated, perhaps individuals wishing to be alone for a few hours could to go to their local shopping mall and pay for the privilege of solitude.

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