Mack Hall
The fists and the curry were flying aboard an Air India flight last week as two pilots (male), an air hostess (female), and at least one other air host or hostess duked out their differences thousands of feet over Pakistan.
The fight began in the cockpit and continued in the galley. Given the public’s Roman fascination for viewing televised humiliation the passengers might have enjoyed the scene of violence if not for the alarming fact that the pilots were involved.
If one is aboard an Air India flight reading The Times of India, enjoying a nice cup of tea, and pondering a business deal involving Mahindra, the serenity of the journey is somewhat compromised by a fist-fight among the crew. And then the really existential question obtains at some point: who is flying the airplane? Does one want to entrust his life to any of these Gladiators of the Air?
The combatants, once they called a truce and landed the plane, gave conflicting statements. The air hostess said the pilots were making some aerial maneuvers on her, while one pilot says the air hostess began hitting him because an air host was offering her more than coffee or tea and she wanted to distract from the real problem, and, yeah, it doesn’t make any sense.
Thank goodness no one whupped out one of those soft plastic spoons that come with the meals, or perhaps a fingernail-clipper or even 1.1 ounce of baby formula. Whew!
If the fight had happened on a United Airlines plane, United would have charged the passengers extra for the entertainment.
Air crews used to give small children little plastic pilots’ wings; I suppose Air India would more appropriately hand out little pilots’ boxing gloves.
And where was the obligatory cute nun with her guitar to sing of peace and love, eh?
Maybe the crew were offended by the inflight movie choices: Gunga Din and Northwest Frontier.
Did the two Air India pilots hit the nearest airport bar and brag to other pilots about beating up a girl?
Captain Sculley and his crew they ain’t.
Accusations of sexual impropriety followed by some bee-slapping: one imagines the television movie, starring David Letterman, RuPaul, Glenn Beck, and one or two bishops, and directed by Roman Polanski, with the fight scenes choreographed by Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd.
Remember those airplane disaster movies of the 1970s? One has problems considering remakes with steel-jawed Charlton Heston punching out Karen Black and then tearfully apologizing by Twitter: “i R so bad 4 hit ing u 4-giv me? xxx ooo.”
The plane safely landed, the two pilots lost their licenses, and life goes on. One wonders if the pilots are as ready to fight Pakistan as they were to fight girls; Pakistan’s nuclear program is said to be developing nicely. When the nuclear missiles begin falling on the ancient cities of the subcontinent, folks in the target area might have a millisecond to long for the days of the Raj.
-30-
Showing posts with label United Air Lines. Show all posts
Showing posts with label United Air Lines. Show all posts
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Lobsters on a Plane
Mack Hall
So why do the lobsters get to ride for free?
You find your seat with your small carry-on, sit as assigned as part of the herd, and then observe that while United Air Lines has required you to pay $20 to check your suitcase, other passengers are entering the cabin with bags larger than the one you checked, multiple bags, and even large cardboard boxes containing lobsters. Live lobsters. Critters. All for free.
In Halifax, Nova Scotia a shop in the airport sells live lobsters to the sort of people who wear God Bless the USA baseball caps made in China: “Look what I brought ya from Canada, honey – a live lobster!”
Oh, yeah, a clicking, clacking crustacean. Just what everyone wants as a souvenir.
Not only does United Air Lines interpret their own baggage rules loosely, so does the United States government. Everyone entering the country must complete and sign a form stating that he is not bringing in any agricultural products or varmints. So what’s with ignoring the lobsters?
Did the lobsters have to sign a document stating that they were not bringing any parts of humans into the USA?
Is there a possibility of Mad Lobster Disease?
Are the lobsters patted and wanded? Do they have to take off their little claws while scuttling through the metal detector?
And speaking of claws, if I can’t bring my little Swiss Army knife on board, why aren’t the lobsters disarmed too? Could this be part of a plot? Is Dr. Doom lulling us to sleep with real lobsters and waiting to take over a United States aircraft with evil robot lobsters sold through a secret agent pretending to be an ‘umble dealer in live food at the Halifax airport?
The poor cabin attendants on airplanes have to deal with all the humans, excess luggage, and lobsters, trying to close the cheap plastic hatches on too many bulging bags and boxes. During the flight folks get up and open the hatches to let their excess junk drop on other folks below them.
AT DFW the lobsters got off all right, but United Air Lines whimsically offloaded the checked luggage at diverse places. When I and my party finally found ours, no one was watching it and no one asked for our claim checks. Anyone could have walked out of the airport with my dirty shirts and my loose loonies and toonies.
Shame on you, American Air Lines. Your baggage-handling practices stink as badly as those lobsters. I want my money back.
What really happens to the lobsters who were carried out past the baggage carousels with no delay? Do happy spouses or significant others clap their hands in glee and exclaim “Oh, wait until I show this exoskeletonal varmint to the neighbors!”?
Are the children sent to take their new little friend Sparky to the back yard to play?
“But Daddy, I wanted a Sergeant Preston of the Yukon action figure with a machine gun and a rocket launcher!”
“Sorry, son; Canada ran out of Mounties, but I brought you this swell lobster!”
Does the United States Department of Agriculture send a S.W.A.T. team based on a neighbor’s anonymous ‘phone call about unregistered foreign livestock?
I heard a rumor that next year halifax is going to upstage Pamplona with an annual running of the lobsters down Water Street, past Tim Horton’s, and down to Murphy’s Wharf, eh. Any fatalities will be carried out to sea on Theodore Tugboat and dumped into the water at George Lighthouse with full military honors.
Either that or stuffed into the overhead bins on United Air Lines
So why do the lobsters get to ride for free?
You find your seat with your small carry-on, sit as assigned as part of the herd, and then observe that while United Air Lines has required you to pay $20 to check your suitcase, other passengers are entering the cabin with bags larger than the one you checked, multiple bags, and even large cardboard boxes containing lobsters. Live lobsters. Critters. All for free.
In Halifax, Nova Scotia a shop in the airport sells live lobsters to the sort of people who wear God Bless the USA baseball caps made in China: “Look what I brought ya from Canada, honey – a live lobster!”
Oh, yeah, a clicking, clacking crustacean. Just what everyone wants as a souvenir.
Not only does United Air Lines interpret their own baggage rules loosely, so does the United States government. Everyone entering the country must complete and sign a form stating that he is not bringing in any agricultural products or varmints. So what’s with ignoring the lobsters?
Did the lobsters have to sign a document stating that they were not bringing any parts of humans into the USA?
Is there a possibility of Mad Lobster Disease?
Are the lobsters patted and wanded? Do they have to take off their little claws while scuttling through the metal detector?
And speaking of claws, if I can’t bring my little Swiss Army knife on board, why aren’t the lobsters disarmed too? Could this be part of a plot? Is Dr. Doom lulling us to sleep with real lobsters and waiting to take over a United States aircraft with evil robot lobsters sold through a secret agent pretending to be an ‘umble dealer in live food at the Halifax airport?
The poor cabin attendants on airplanes have to deal with all the humans, excess luggage, and lobsters, trying to close the cheap plastic hatches on too many bulging bags and boxes. During the flight folks get up and open the hatches to let their excess junk drop on other folks below them.
AT DFW the lobsters got off all right, but United Air Lines whimsically offloaded the checked luggage at diverse places. When I and my party finally found ours, no one was watching it and no one asked for our claim checks. Anyone could have walked out of the airport with my dirty shirts and my loose loonies and toonies.
Shame on you, American Air Lines. Your baggage-handling practices stink as badly as those lobsters. I want my money back.
What really happens to the lobsters who were carried out past the baggage carousels with no delay? Do happy spouses or significant others clap their hands in glee and exclaim “Oh, wait until I show this exoskeletonal varmint to the neighbors!”?
Are the children sent to take their new little friend Sparky to the back yard to play?
“But Daddy, I wanted a Sergeant Preston of the Yukon action figure with a machine gun and a rocket launcher!”
“Sorry, son; Canada ran out of Mounties, but I brought you this swell lobster!”
Does the United States Department of Agriculture send a S.W.A.T. team based on a neighbor’s anonymous ‘phone call about unregistered foreign livestock?
I heard a rumor that next year halifax is going to upstage Pamplona with an annual running of the lobsters down Water Street, past Tim Horton’s, and down to Murphy’s Wharf, eh. Any fatalities will be carried out to sea on Theodore Tugboat and dumped into the water at George Lighthouse with full military honors.
Either that or stuffed into the overhead bins on United Air Lines
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