Mack
Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com
You and the
Government Shutdown
In
our nation’s capital, a number of veterans have torn down barricades that were
blocking several war memorials, and taken them (the barricades, not the war
memorials) away to dump in front of Tsarkoe Seloe…um, the White House. That’s the stuff! Our little rural county is not important
enough to have any federal memorials to barricade, hence no protests, but maybe
someone could go tip over a traffic cone in front of a convenience store.
The
government shutdown is so bad that young military recruits aim their weapons at
the targets and shout “Bang!” When range
drill is over they must collect, count, and turn in all vowels and consonants
discharged in the exercise.
As
a cost-saving measure, flags over government buildings will feature only four
stripes and fifteen stars.
The
Lincoln Memorial is closed, but visitors to Washington may stand reverently
before a cardboard cutout of President Millard Fillmore.
Navy
tankers are unable to fuel warships at sea, and are sending them song sheets
for “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”
For
the duration of the crisis Canada has offered to lend their good neighbor to
the south their four submarines, just as soon as any of them can be made to
float.
In
sympathy with our government’s funding crisis, Russian President Vladimir Putin
has agreed to laugh at our President and Congress only three times a week
instead of five.
Recently
I referred to Speaker Boehner and the House of Representatives as a lot of
harmless Merovingians. The other night
the ghost of King Childeric III appeared to me in a dream and demanded that I
stop insulting harmless Merovingians.
The
Veterans’ Administration, in the spirit of shared sacrifice, has agreed to
ignore veterans at a slower rate.
In
large cities, minimum-wage private sector workers are setting up soup kitchens for
IRS employees, who are asked not to double-park their government-issued SUVs
out front.
Until
the budget crisis is resolved, the five full-time White House chefs will be
reduced to seven.
In
the last presidential election only about half of all Republicans bothered to
vote; the other half stayed home to listen to Rush Limbaugh, war hero and
family counselor. Republicans are now so
outraged at the shutdown that in the next election they will avoid voting in
even greater numbers.
Transportation
Security Agents at the nation’s airports have warned our government that if
their pay is delayed they are going to start being nice to travelers.
But
keep calm, America, the chaos can’t last much longer – the Speaker of the House
has threatened to wear his flowered golfing shorts and cry if the President
doesn’t accept the Speaker’s abject surrender.
-30-
