Don't You Care About Arboreal Lemurs?

Mack Hall


A friend carries a special little leather wallet just for carrying extra batteries for his hearing aids, said batteries apparently enjoying the life span of a Hershey’s Kiss at a T.O.P.S. meeting.

My friend clearly does not understand that by buying and using chemical-laden batteries he is contributing to global warming, poisoning tuna, and depriving Sudan of precious metals so desperately needed for swords for people to wave about in street demonstrations whenever a camera appears.

In the Spirit of Gaia at this season of the Generic Inclusive Winter Fest it is high time for people with disabilities to make some sacrifices and do their part to help make Mother Earth a better place for fire ants, rattlesnakes, wasps, pond scum, and aging hippies.

Why can’t people with hearing issues wear little solar panels to recharge their hearing-aid batteries? A man wearing a solar display on his head would be telling the world “I care about tree frogs.”

And then there are those selfish people with bacterial infections. Antibiotics are made by evil pharmaceutical companies killing NATURAL LIVING CREATURES! Imagine living your life in the forest as a happy little mold spore just hangin’ out and singing songs to the Earth Goddess. And then some beastly scientist comes along and kills you and uses your natural essences to save some rotten human’s earth-polluting life! Withholding antibiotics and letting your child or other family member suffer from eboli says “I care about fungi.”

You who are sight-impaired – do you have any idea how much electricity an operating room set up for a cataract operation takes away from the third world? Do you!? Ha! I thought not. Giving up books, television, the beauties of nature, and watching your grandchildren grow up says “I care about the rain forest.”

Prosthetics? Wheelchairs? Walking sticks? If every American with mobility problems turned in his or her assistance devices to the nearest recycling center, Al Gore would enjoy a newer jet plane for flying to environmental conferences all over the world. Limping or crawling says “I care about getting Al Gore another I’m-so-special award.”

Dental work? I think not. If you take care of your teeth you might then gnaw and chew the flesh of iddy biddy widdle bunny wabbits and harp seals, and then where would we be? Gumming vegetable mush says “I care about anthropomorphizing our forest friends.”

And finally a word about chronic breathing problems: the evil oxygen bottle industry kills countless dolphins each year by upsetting the balance of Mother Nature so humans with respiratory diseases can take oxygen away from vegetarian humpbacked whales, and, like, y’know, elves an’ stuff. Giving up breathing says “I care about arboreal lemurs in East Timor.” Well, not actually, of course, because if you can’t breathe you can’t talk, but with your dying gasp you can think happy thoughts about our forest friends holding paws, claws, and tentacles while singing “The Circle of Life – No Humans Allowed.”

Former Vice-President Al Gore, who, like Monica Lewinsky, served under President Clinton, gets $200,000.00 a speech for babbling stuff rather like this. Just send in the money, folks.