Down With Big 'Phone!

Mack Hall

Studies show (hey, if radio personalities boasting questionable doctorates can resort to such vapid lead-ins as “studies show…,” we humble high school graduates can too). Anyway, studies show that cell ‘phones cause cancer.

Most folks will casually dismiss this caution, reasoning quite correctly that they never smoke cell ‘phones.

However, inhaling burning cell ‘phones is not the problem; radiation is the problem. Cell ‘phones beam electroluxes and proteins and stuff like that through the air along with desperately important messages such as “Can you hear me now?” and “She all up in my face…!” These enrons are emitted from the ‘phone and blasted through the head, heating up the brain cells and turning the ‘phoner into a demented bibliophile or something.

Reports suggest that the first symptom of cell ‘phone cancer is a desire to embrace the concept of super delegates.

Based these reports, America will need to make itself cell ‘phone free for a healthy future. We must pass laws and exert social pressure until the last few cell ‘phoners are clustered furtively outside their work places on their cell ‘phone breaks, taking a last drag of radiation.

As we know, multi-national Big ‘Phone corporations have forced these dangerous devices on us. We were perfectly happy writing long letters by hand and actually speaking to people around us until Big ‘Phone brutally jammed these deadly gadgets to our ears. Let the people go forth and cry out to all the other people of the world (only not by cell ‘phone), especially fair-trade coffee drinkers and NPR listeners: down with BIG ‘PHONE!

Let the people demand that the United States Senate, that temple of virtue and temperance, hold hearings, summoning the evil executives of Big ‘Phone to grovel under oath and apologize for being meanies.

Let the people demand more taxes on Big ‘Phone to fund support groups so that cell ‘phone addicts can hold hands and chant “We’re all pathetic addicts and it’s somebody else’s fault.”

Let the people demand that China stop sending cell ‘phones to Tibet.

Let the people demand that presidential candidates reveal whether they ever used cell ‘phones in their youth.

Let the people demand that Big ‘Phone fund studies regarding the connection between cell ‘phones and global warming.

Let the people demand that President Bush require Vladimir Putin to stop sending cell ‘phone technology to Iran.

Let the people demand that Big ‘Phone fund classes in semaphore and morse code. Anyone suffering a heart attack can surely muster the strength to tap out 9-1-1 on a tin can attached to a string.

Let the people demand that Big ‘Phone stop drilling for protons in the Arctic!

No more Big ‘Phone! Let the people not rest until every American has been strip-searched for dangerous cell ‘phones! It’s for the children. And the environment. And, like, you know, stuff.