Mack's Health Care Proposals

Mack Hall


Before you vote you must first (1) register to vote, (2) vote, and (3) understand that listening to the screaming fat boys on the radio does not constitute participatory democracy.

Now take your special Sergeant Preston of the Yukon secret decoder pen and mark your ballot:

Proposition 1. I am in favor of health care, formerly known as folks going to see the doctor when they need to.
A. Yes
B. No, I stand in front of emergency room doorways and strongly urge folks to go home and die quietly, leaving all their worldly goods to me

Proposition 2. The proper spelling is:
A. Health care
B. Healthcare

Proposition 3: All births will be reported:
A. In the Honolulu newspapers only
B. On cheap photocopier paper in disappearing ink

Proposition 4. All Americans will receive the same health care as Congress and the Premiere of Newfoundland.
A. When Buna, Texas freezes over
B. See ‘A’ above
C. Your attitude’s been noticed, comrade

Proposition 5. All physicians, nurses, aides, technicians, and other health care providers will be required to spend more time on paperwork and sensitivity training than in providing services to the sick. They will be supervised by trustees who have no medical experience, will have their incomes fixed by a czar, and will constantly be faulted by keyboard commandos on the ‘net. They will be sued until they are more efficient according to norms fixed by government functionaries who have no idea of what healing the sick involves.
A. Yes
B. Where’d they go?

Proposition 6: Except for Congress, all Americans will be subject to death…um, quality of life panels made up of A.C.O.R.N. and S.E.I.U thug…um, therapists to determine if they are worthy.
A. Yes
B. Comrades, take this citizen into the street and help him understand why he needs to vote ‘yes’

Proposition 7: Hospital closures…um…consolidation will continue until there is one giant government hospital in the USA, located in Area 51. Congress will have its own provisions, and that’s none of your business, okay?
A. Yes, master
B. What happened to all the good little private, religious, and local-government hospitals that used to serve America?
C. “Questions are a burden to others.” -- The Prisoner

Proposition 8: Anyone who wants to know what’s in the several thousand pages of what is said to be health care reform is a racist, a homophobe, and a homonym.
A. Yes
B. We have sensitivity training for people like you

Proposition 9: Except for Congress and the Premiere of Newfoundland, any wait lasting less than twelve hours in the nation’s one remaining emergency room shall not be considered a long wait.
A. Yes
B. Aren’t you dead yet?

Proposition 10: Anyone who actually works for a living will pay for universal health care but will not receive it; anyone who has never worked and never intends to work will receive universal health care and a flat screen teevee. The Premiere of Newfoundland, however, will not receive a flat screen teevee.
A. Yes
B. I’ve been watching reality shows; what are you talking about?

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