Rush Limbaugh is a Democrat

Mack Hall

Last week Jack Lawrence of the American Civil Liberties Union invited y’r ‘umble scrivener to participate in a debate on, well, civil liberties at Lamar’s fine new John Gray Auditorium across the street from Vincent Beck Stadium in Beaumont.

I was deputed to help represent the Republican point-of-view, which might not sit well with real Republicans, along with a sharp young Lamar undergraduate and real Republican, Andrew Greenberg.

The Democrat panelists were Dr. Bruce Drury and Stuart Wright, and the ACLU panelists (Democrats and ACLU – aren’t those pretty much synonymous?) were Jack Lawrence and Judy Whose-Last-Name-I-Didn’t-Get.

The topics were terrorism, torture, and privacy, and we debated before a packed house, said packing consisting mostly of air space since the American people stayed away by the thousands.

The evening was quite a merry one, with no screaming, yelling, or ear-biting, but perhaps that’s because no one among us was in favor of terrorism, torture, or violations of privacy. My proposal that our general disapproval of the death penalty might be modified with regard to internet service providers was met with approval by the assembly.

After the meeting broke up with handshakes all ‘round, a few of us stayed to continue talking late into the night. This was the sort of informal occasion when the ACLU, and, indeed, most people are at their best, since no one is trying to score points off anyone else.

During this time I was at last able to present my thesis – there was no logical opening for it earlier – that Rush Limbaugh is in fact a Democrat, based on his threat to move to a foreign country, Costa Rica, if Congress didn’t do things his way (http://blog.seattlepi.com/seattlepolitics/archives/197198.asp).

Another argument that Rush Limbaugh is a Democrat is that he is an education expert who in many states cannot legally visit a grade-school campus because of his drug issues with illegally doctor-shopping for OxyContin and for his possession of Viagra without a prescription.

Rush Limbaugh is a college dropout who bills himself as the Doctor of Democracy. There’s nothing shameful about busting out of college; some of us have accomplished this academic indistinction many times (ahem!), but you just don’t call yourself a doctor unless you’ve earned it.

Rush Limbaugh is a union-basher who, by his own admission on the radio, belongs to a union. His union is good; all others are bad.

Rush Limbaugh is an all-too-common American because he is a political junky who never even registered to vote until he was 35 (http://www.usnews.com/articles/news/politics/2009/03/06/10-things-you-didnt-know-about-rush-limbaugh.html).

A counter-argument can be made that Rush Limbaugh is a true inner-circle Republican because he is a military hawk and drawing-room generalissimo who responded to his draft notice with a note from his own doctor stating that he suffered the agonies of a pilonidal cyst (translation: butt-pimple), which the U.S. Army took at face (so to speak) value, and so bothered his leisure no further.

But let’s be fair: Rush Limbaugh is not Nancy Pelosi or John Edwards, he hasn’t been married as many times as Larry King, he is generous in numerous charities, and he does have a birth certificate.

Editor’s note: Next week Mack will be writing from an undisclosed location.

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