A Sort-of Disneyland, only with Firing Squads

Mack Hall


Dubai is a no-kissing zone.

The United Arab Emirates is just another middle-eastern thugocracy of sand, rocks, oil, and semi-retired pirates. The capital, Dubai, features the world’s tallest skyscraper, but with the downturn in the local economy there doesn’t seem to be anyone in it. Dubai is quite the party town, according to the Dubai website, featuring “bars, pubs, discos and nightclubs.”

Nightclubs and such have been known to lead to, well, kissing, but in Dubai, a sort of Disneyland, only with slavery and firing squads, you’d better sip your well-regulated liquor and forego osculation.

A British man and woman, Ayman Najafi and Charlotte Adams, have been sentenced to a fine and a month, but not a fine month, in jail for kissing in a restaurant. They were fingered by an outraged citizen who didn’t actually see the kiss but was told about it by her two-year-old daughter.

Rules of evidence in the U.A.E. apparently bridge the cultural gap between P. G. Wodehouse and Lavrentia Beria.

Last year the Dubai justice (cough) system sentenced a British couple to jail for sex-on-the-beach (not the drink), but on appeal commuted the sentences. Last month the Dubai courts less mercifully incarcerated an Indian couple in jail for three months for sending spicy text-messages to each other, and last week sentenced some 17 or so Indians to the firing squad for beating a Pakistani gentleman to death over a wholesale liquor deal in which the party of the first part and the parties of the 1st-17th parts could not come to an amicable agreement.

Okay, that last crime was a little over the top, but in the USA a murderous mob would probably be given community service and then jobs with A.C.O.R.N.

Of course in the U.A.E. one never knows whether or not a crime really happened. Given that third-hand testimony attributed to a two-year-old can lead to a conviction, the Indians may have been guilty of nothing but playing a sitar.

Come to think of it, playing a sitar should result in the death penalty anyway.

I suggest that Dubai could use some help from American law enforcement. Perhaps the Los Angeles Police Department could send Officers Pete Malloy and Jim Reed to help the United Arab Emirates update and inculturate:

“Say, Jim, we’ve been on duty for four hours. Let’s stop for a sandwich. SANDwich, get it? We’re in the U.A.E. Ha, ha. SANDwich.”

“That’s not funny, Pete.”

Radio, with appropriate static and crackling: “One-Adam-Twelve, One-Adam-Twelve, see the woman, 2332 Glorious and Enlightened Sheik Alli-Bubba Drive. Assault in progress.”

Pete and Jim speed past casinos and bars, and quickly arrive.

“Yes, ma’am, what seems to be the problem?”

“Oh, officers, praise the religion of peace and mercy; some young punks pushed me down and stole my purse! They ran thataway!”

“Ma’am, you’re under arrest. Cuff her, Reed.”

“But officer, why? I’m the victim!”

“Yes, ma’am, but you’re a woman, so you tempted those poor, impressionable lads. Sorry, but you’ll go to prison for this, if not the peace-loving firing squad. Read this lady her rights, Reed…oh, well, never mind.”

Later, over Turkish coffee and pita bread, Reed asks “I don’t get it, Pete. That woman’s purse was stolen. Why should she go to jail?”

“We don’t make the laws, Jim, we just enforce them. Our country has sent us to the U.A.E. for sensitivity training. We’re here to learn new ways of doing things, and we must respect the local culture.”

“Pete, the local culture seems to be about tourism, slavery, money-laundering, and funding terrorists, all under a government that makes the Chicago mob look classy.”

“Jim, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a million times, it’s not slavery, it’s a guest-worker program. Didn’t they teach you anything at the academy?”

“They didn’t have to teach me the difference between employment and slavery.”

“Cool it, partner. We’re guest workers too.”

“One-Adam-Twelve, One-Adam-Twelve, reports of unauthorized kissing at a Denny’s. Repeat, unauthorized kissing at a Denny’s.”

“Let’s roll, partner.”

“Um, Pete…”

“Yeah?”

“The United Arab Emirates…they’re our friends, right?”

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