Sunday, October 14, 2012

Not Exactly James Bond





Mack Hall

Not Exactly James Bond

Last week local police found a Secret Service agent passed-out-drunk on a Miami sidewalk.  Perhaps he had shaken, not stirred, one vodka martini too many.

Now we know what spy novels mean by a sleeper agent.

Who’s in charge of the Secret Service these days?  Jerry Springer?

The police found the agent despite the early morning darkness by tracing his Get Smart shoe phone through the ring tone: “It Wasn’t God Who Made Honky-Tonk Angels.”

Pop culture says a Secret Service agent must be ready to take a bullet for the President, but who knew that said bullet might be a Silver Bullet? 

When Secret Service agents are on an operation, do they need a designated driver?

And how did the Miami police know that the cocktail commando was a secret agent?  Why, that information was readily available on the spirited man’s official Secret Service identity card.

Did the Secret Service agent’s identity card feature a secret glow-in-the-dark compass, a secret key to a secret code, and a secret Sergeant Preston of the Yukon map?

The Secret Service isn’t really all that secret anyway; they have their own web site: http://www.secretservice.gov/join/who.shtml. 

Maybe some of us have watched too many Patrick McGoohan films, but shouldn’t a Secret Service agent try to be, well, you know, secret?  Is snoring in the street in an alcoholic stupor while carrying a Junior G-Man identification card the most subtle way to infiltrate The Hidden Fortress of the Secret Seven? 

Earlier this year, in an episode of Guys Gone Wild, a number of Secret Service frat boys…um…agents got caught with their bulletproof vests down in South America. 

If they keep behaving like this, the Secret Service may soon be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.

The Secret Service is involved in several aspects of federal law enforcement, but they are best known for protecting presidents, vice-presidents, former presidents, presidential candidates, and their families. 

As of late the President appears to be tired and worried, even haggard, and naturally one attributes this to the burdens of office and to a challenging re-election campaign.  But perhaps the reality is that the President is losing sleep because the snoring of his Secret Service keeps him awake at night.

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