Always Wear a Clean Shirt at a Wedding

Mack Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com

Always Wear a Clean Shirt at a Wedding

During the recent royal wedding one could not help noticing the wild, bizarre headgear that seemed to detract from the sacredness of the occasion – I refer to hairy Prince Harry’s hair, of course. He seemed to be channeling Donald Trump. Oh, the follicles of one’s youth!

Prince Harry was in military uniform, and one wonders why his commanding officer didn’t tell him “Lieutenant, prince or no prince, you get that hair cut to regulation.”

Otherwise, how good to see women wearing hats in church and men respectfully bareheaded in the presence of God. Many middle-aged men have done great harm with the me-me-me thing of teaching younger men that respect for God, women, and country is secondary to keeping one’s costume ballcap on during all occasions because, like, y’know, this cap is who I am.

Yes, what man does not want to be a made-in-China cap?

The young princes, both pilots, looked great in their uniforms, and their families and friends were very proud of them. One imagines the awkwardness of someone opposed to military service getting married: “The groom and best man were resplendent in matching cable-knit sweaters.”

No one in the congregation displayed a cell ‘phone. Now that’s class.

No one in the congregation wore tee-shirts.

No one in the congregation wore advertising on his or her clothing.

No guitars. Thank God.

No cringe-making amateur musical moments.

No microphones or loudspeakers dangling from the ceiling.

No miscued audiotapes of “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy.”

No one in the congregation called out “Where’s the birth certificate, William!?”

Baby sister as maid of honor and baby brother as best man – a brilliant way of avoiding squabbles and crowds on the altar.

The Archbishop of Canterbury and the Bishop of London both mentioned God. This could distress NBC and CBS.

There were no air-raid sirens during the wedding; NATO hasn’t yet gotten around to bombing England.

Some gossipy old women on the television judged the guest list and found it wanting. Hey, Miz Grundy and Aunt Pittypat, not your call, okay? Not your family, not your decision. Just be happy if your own children ask you to their weddings.

Finally, although the wedding pictures were lovely, let us not neglect the great photograph of Princess Kate in khaki and boots in a muddy field, a shotgun in one hand and a brace of fowl in the other. Now that’s an English princess of the old school! Cue that country song about the tractor.

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