Sunday, March 2, 2014

The Banana-Gat Song


Mack Hall, HSG


 

The Banana-Gat Song

 

A man wearing a banana suit and carrying a Kalashnikov while walking along a street was stopped and questioned by the police in Beaumont, Texas last week.  And in these troubled times, one understands – some people are made nervous by the open display of a banana.

 

Beaumont usually votes Democrat, so perhaps the police thought the man was a banana Republican.

 

Maybe the perp was singing “Yes, we have no ammo; we have no ammo today…” without a music license.

 

Not sure if the police handcuffed him, but he was a slippery customer.

 

What do law enforcement officers have against fruits?  Haven’t we progressed?

 

Maybe this was an advertisement for a new Orwellian telescreen program, Banana Dynasty, oriented for a specialty viewer market, rustic vegans.

 

When bananas are outlawed, only outlaws will have bananas.

 

Curiously enough, banana-boy’s Kalashnikov was fitted with a drum magazine instead of a (wait for it…now use that drum magazine for a drum roll…) banana clip!

 

For manly men, bananas have always had a peel – um – appeal.  John Wayne is said to have worn a banana suit in one or two of his early movies, and certainly the banana sub-text is continued in Bananigan, The Green Bananas, Rio Banana, The Banana and the Geisha, and Angel and the Bananaman.

 

As John Wayne would say, partner, the West wasn’t won with a registered banana.

 

When filming cowboy movies in the United States became too expensive, some movie companies produced a series of Banana westerns in Central America.

 

Bananas are slippery; Sergeant Preston of the Yukon kept his on a lanyard so it wouldn’t get away from him.

 

The Mae West gag naturally follows: “Is that a banana…?”

 

Traditional hunters don’t understand the need to import all those foreign semi-auto bananas with the fancy rails and scopes and stuff.  Once upon a time a real man got his deer with a good old J. C. Higgins banana from Sears.  And no matter what the National Banana Association says, we just don’t need armor-piercing bananas.

 

But Freud keeps us grounded by reminding us that sometimes a banana is just a Kalashnikov…um…banana.  Or cigar.  Or something.

 

Finally, let us all remember the first rule of banana safety as taught by responsible fathers and in effective banana-safety courses: there is no such thing as an unloaded banana.

 

-30-

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