Mhall46184@aol.com
For President of the United States - Me
For fear of being the only American not to run for office this election cycle, I now announce that I want to serve me I mean…You The People…of this great land as your next president.
I also want the fleet of presidential jets, the garage of great big SUVs, the household staff, an armored train with great big nuclear cannons that go “BOOM!”, a bunch of helicopters, and a gold-plated toilet that lights up and plays “Hail to the Chief” when flushed, just like the Constitution says.
I solemnly swear that if you elect me as your next president I will let you little people look at all the jet airplanes, SUVs, the armored train, and the helicopters you pay for.
The Gold-Plated Toilet of The People is off-limits, though.
As your president I’m not going to ride Amtrak, carry my own suitcase, or eat in a roadside diner. I want all the goodies. I want my presidency to be a reflection of my America. And you can look at your reflection in a mirror.
As your president I will see to it that my family and my friends fly on presidential airplanes to London, Paris, Rome, Saint Petersburg, Saint Moritz, and Tokyo on shopping trips and vacations so that you can be inspired by how your tax dollars are making my buddies happy. Just like some of the previous presidents.
As your president I will bill the Secret Service for protecting me at the best rate quoted by the Deutsche Bank. After all, if those guys are going to hang around on my lawn in all sorts of weather protecting me and my family, they should pay me rent, okay? Just like the previous president.
As your president I will hang around with and pay off only those dictators with a good fashion sense. When Kim Jong Ill ditches the mousey-dung play-school outfit and learns to wear a coat and tie like a grownup, then we can talk. And no Justin Trudeau socksies, either.
As your president I will tell you what’s in Area 51. And Area 50. It stands to reason that if there is an Area 51 then there must be an Area 50. It’s so secret that you haven’t even heard of it. That’s what The Voices tell me.
As your president I will develop a national health and exercise program whose core strategy is having everyone run laps around former Governor Christie of New Jersey.
As your president I will build a big, beautiful, yuuuuge wall built around the Internal Revenue Service.
As your president I will sign an executive order banning the death penalty except for telemarketers - for them death by throwing them into a pit of ravenous dachshunds will be mandatory.
As your president I will ask Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson to form a select committee for writing lyrics for “Hail to the Chief, and I am the Chief.”
And remember, my fellow Americans, a vote for me is a vote for, well, me.
Thank you, thank you. And don’t forget to send the Benjamins.
-30-
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