Lawrence Hall
Dispatches for the Colonial Office
The Strange Adventure
of Tarzan, the Epsteinian Files,
and The Burn-Bags of
Opar
I am not at liberty to lay before the inquiring minds of an
objective public the manner in which the curious document and chilling testimony
below came into my possession except that this was through the offices of a mysterious
midnight visitor on business from Porlock with a wooden leg and an ivory eye of
curious and antique design – or was that an ivory leg and a wooden eye? – and I
must assure the reader that it was the visitor from Porlock who made do with a
tapping ivory eye and a sightless wooden leg or sightless eye and tapping artificial
leg, not the pleasant village of Porlock, because English villages are
possessed of streets and lanes, not eyes and legs, on a stormy night at the
time of the equinoctial gales when ships put to sea knowing that they (the
crews, not the ships) must place their lives into the hands of our merciful and
loving God who knoweth all things and disposeth all things and so now pray take
a seat and light your pipe while I set my spectacles aright and read to you
this strange narrative entrusted to my discretion and, like, stuff:
The Strange Adventure
of Tarzan, The Epsteinian Files,
and The Burn-Bags of Opar
In search of The Lost Epsteinian Files
Tarzan slipped into a city ruinous and far
And in a secret tunnel that ran for miles
Stumbled onto The Burn-Bags of Opar
Queen Kristi of Opar, long in love with Tarzan
Sacrificed to her gods a dog and a goat
Then in an armored golf cart chased him as far as she can
(Okay, then, you
try to rhyme “Tarzan”)
To the edge of the Alligator Alcatraz moat
Tarzan, exhausted, thought he was a doomer
Kristi was sharpening her sacrificial knife
(or loading
her thirty-thirty; the records are unclear)
But she was death-whispered by Laura Loomer
Thus saving the burn-bags and our hero’s life
And The Epsteinian Files? The mystery no longer abodes -
The scripts for Gilligan’s Island, the lost episodes
