Indiana Jones Wheezes Through

Mack Hall

When one thinks of high adventure one naturally thinks of Indiana with its menacing cornfields of death, gravity-defying flat lands, and the violent threats to civilized people posed by blood-crazed Amish street gangs.

No wonder Indiana Jones is such a hero to the future builders of empire among American boys.

Harrison Ford, still buff at 65, takes up his fedora, revolver, NRA membership, and kinky whip again in the new Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls, this time against the Bolshies in the 1950s.

You remember the Bolsheviks, right? In the 1930s they were our best friends, and then from 1938-1940 they were Hitler’s best friends, and then from 1940-1945 they were our best friends again, and then they were not our best friends, and then they kinda-sorta were, and then President Reagan said “We’re not going to feed you people anymore” and made Bolshevism morph into the Green movement.

America’s relationships with Communism are as confusing and mutable as the revolving-door religions of England in the 16th century: “Are you Catholic? Or C of E?” “I dunno; who’s Queen this week?”

The Communist Party of Saint Petersburg (which was Saint Petersburg, then Petrograd, then Leningrad, and, for the moment, Saint Petersburg again) has its collective panties in a twist about Indiana Jones, accusing him of anti-Communist sentiments.

And one can understand – those who invented death camps and genocide have feelings too, y’know?

If the series continues, the producers must adapt to changing times and the aging Harrison Ford. The humble scrivener of this piece has these plot-treatments ready for the next Indiana Jones movies:

Indiana Jones and the Hippie Punks of Doom

Indiana Jones and the Poisoned Polyester Bell-Bottoms

Indiana Jones Goes Disco

Indiana Jones and Saddamn Hussein’s Haunted Bi-Focals

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Walker

Indiana Jones and the Medication Error

Indiana Jones and the Soviet Mark II Wheelchair of Death

Indiana Jones and Senior Day at the Cafeteria

Indiana Jones, John McCain, and Rocky Get Cranky Together

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Lost Dentures

Indiana Jones and Miss Marple Lose Their Car in the Parking Lot

Indiana Jones Shoots at The Evil Swordsman – And Misses

At some point Harrison Ford will become the new Bub on the new My Three Sons, and the television ads will feature that three-pack-a-day-smoker’s-voice guy wheezing “Ashton Kutcher is Indiana Jones.”