A Cookie and a Hug for the Nazis?

Mack Hall


That Long and Nazi Road

The Nazi Party of Colorado has adopted a mile of US Highway 85 to keep tidy.

Yes, when you think of community service and good citizenship you naturally think of National Socialists.

The State of Colorado is, for some reason, unhappy with this sorry little herd of sh…um, civic-minded citizens, but the nation that the Nazis would destroy protects even Nazis, and so the Colorado Department of Transportation was required to license the leather-boys to care for a mile of American right-of-way.

Perhaps the Nazis are situated between the NAMBLA and ACORN sections, giving the American people three miles of litter-free but still malodorous highway.

One hopes the Nazis won’t be afraid to pick up food wrappers with Kosher symbols on them. And Wotan alone knows how they would react to a discarded Manischewitz bottle.

The Nazis could mark their section of highway by erecting little “Arbeit Macht Frei” signs at each end, and when they are actually out doing something other than beating up people could post another sign reading “Ubermenschen Working.”

How do Nazis pick up litter? After all, their record is of making messes, not cleaning them up, and the concept of tidiness may be unfamiliar to them. Can a comrade simultaneously goose-step and poke a soda-can with one of those little sticks with a nail in it? Does the stick have one of those swishtika flags attached? Do the neat Nazis sing The Discarded Vessel Song while marching along with their garbage bags? Other jolly marching songs could include “Nazi Road, Take Me Home,” “That Long and Nazi Road,” “Long, Long Nazi Road,” “Rocky Mountain Heil,” and “Heil the Hitler and Pass the Trash.”

At last report, however, the local Nazis hadn’t actually picked up anything. Possibly they were delayed by beating up some small, inoffensive person. Or perhaps they were waiting for a congratulatory message and an “Im Rollen Vor in Colorado” signal from Mel Gibson. They couldn’t access it, of course, because no Nazi would own a Blackberry.

Nazis cleaning up the roads will doubtless cause folks driving by to think better of them.

“Gosh, Martha, just look at all those Nazi lads picking up litter. Kinda makes ya rethink that invasion of Norway thing, eh?”

“You’re so right, George. I always said that Vidkun Quisling got a raw deal. He had a rough childhood, you know. Such a sensitive boy.”

“You know, Martha, just seeing the local Ubergollyshakennotstirredwhatsisfuhrer supervising trash suggests to me that Auschwitz was taken out of context.”

“Yes, dear, this matter of the local Nazis cleaning up the highways and byways of our great land has changed my thinking completely. There’s nothing like a thirty-second show of public service in front of the cameras to change completely seventy years of well-documented history. Stop the car, George; I’m going to give those boys a cookie and a hug.”