If They Told us the Truth

Mack Hall


You are not a valued customer.

Your telephone call is not important to us; if it were, a human would be talking to you.

This is just a few ounces of coffee pretending to be a pound. We don’t give a hamster’s heinie about the poor farmers who grow it; we just stick on labels about “green” and “fair trade” and charge you more so you can feel good about being sensitive and ecological and, like, y’know, stuff.

We at (name of tractor company goes here) don’t make the name-brand tee-shirts and plastic cups and all that other junk you buy; we make tractors. Chinese companies, all ultimately controlled by the Red Chinese Army, pay us to use our name on their shoddy wares so you can wear a funny-looking hat and identify with a corporation that wouldn’t care squash about you if it even knew you existed.

Well, yeah, we can paint one of our cars green for you. Otherwise, there ain’t no green cars. Cars are four-wheeled machines that run on gasoline or electricity. Some are more efficient that others.

I’m not really the doctor of democracy; I dropped out of college, avoided military service, didn’t vote until I was in my thirties, and got away with doctor-shopping prescription drugs because I’m rich. And I got rich telling you how to live. You know, if you think about it, and you won’t, the only difference between me and the coffee shop windbag know-it-all is that I pass gas on the radio instead of at the front table.

This organic material is not farm fresh. You bought it out of a store. It was brought to the store in a truck. It was stored somewhere before that. It was shipped to that somewhere from a processing plant. It spent some time in a processing plant. It was shipped to the processing plant from where it was harvested or slaughtered. We print this lie all the time, you know it’s a lie, and you aren’t offended by the lie. Curious.

Nothing in this café or store was homemade. A café or store is not a home. If you want something homemade, go home and make it.

Made in China by underpaid workers who have no rights, no safety protection, no health insurance, no nothin’. Hey, we’re the folks who poison your pets and your children, and you keep buying from us.

We guarantee (that there is a three-dimensional object in this box you’re buying from us. Whether or not it is useful, aesthetically pleasing, or well-made has nothing to do with us.).

Unlimited usage (until you reach the limit).

Faster than dial-up (except when it isn’t).

You pay us to wear our advertising, demonstrating that you have no sense of self. We love it. In a sane world we would pay you to wear our advertising, and your friends would pity you for doing so.

Our product has a low carbon footprint. Come to think of it, nothing on this planet actually has a carbon footprint at all. How dumb are you to believe our advertising about low carbon footprints, huh?

News alert – which is only the same stuff we’ve been telling you all week.

I have no intention of changing the culture in Washington. If you elect me, I will become inside-the-beltway just like everyone else who goes there. Now buy my book, don’t do any critical thinking, be true believers, assemble in large groups to chant and wave, and feed my ego with your adoration.

It’s the must-see movie of the year – and if we tell you that you must see it, you must obey.

User-friendly – hahahahahahahahhahahahahaaaaaaaa!