New Sayings from the Old West

Mack Hall


Cinema, like jazz, is an art form that originates in America, and America’s optimistic view of herself is best shown in western films. Actors as different in their political views as John Wayne and Gregory Peck found common ground in their depictions of western heroes to demonstrate their love of country.

The shabby revisionist westerns of the 1960s are rightly ignored now, and new generations celebrate America and the themes of love, loyalty, and community with the great films of the 1930s, 40s, and 50s. A few lonely producers still make good western films (Broken Trail comes to mind) about imperfect men and women finding the best in themselves in hard times, and this gives us hope for the future of the art of film.

But imagine the dialogue in films had the good old movies been made as 1960’s cynicism and anti-heroism:

“He’ll do to ride the river with.” / “He’ll do to work out at the health and wellness center with.”

“We all fought in the war, Colonel.” / “We all protested America’s evil, fascistic, imperial wars, you militaristic oppressor!”

“Gimme a beer, barkeep.” / “Construct me a double-decaf-latte-cinnamon-swish, barista.”

“Whatever else the young man is, he’s a fine judge of horseflesh.” / “Whatever else the young person is, they’re a fine judge of postwar Bulgarian existentialist cinema.”

“Outlaws!” / “Marginalized and dispossessed agricultural workers with revisionist attitudes towards property rights!”

“Injuns!” / “Native Americans with anger-management issues!”

“Cantankerous old mule!” / “Quasi-domesticated quadrupedal service animal!”

“Senor, we have the finest baths between Mexico City and New Orleans.” / “Senor, we feature an exclusive half-day spa experience with all-natural scented candles, a licensed masseur, and a complimentary selection of herbal teas.”

“Circle the wagons!” / “Valet parking!”

“Boots and saddles!” / “Designer flip-flops and Corinthian leather seats!”

“She’s a purty little filly.” / “She just filed sexism charges on me.”

“Fill your hand, you (ess of a bee)!” / “I’m referring this confrontation to the arbitrator for resolution.”

“They’ve holed up in that old church at the end of the street.” / “They’ve sought refuge in Swami Abbub’s ashram on HeatherWood Lane.”

“I’m ridin’ shotgun.” / “I’m ridin’ pepper spray.”

“Your fault. My fault. Nobody’s fault. If that boy gets hurt I’m gonna kill you.” / “Free to be you and me.”

“Check your guns at the edge of town.” / “Kindly switch off all cell ‘phones and other electronic devices.”

“I need a grubstake.” / “I’m giving you this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to invest in gold.”

“Sorry, son, that leg’s got to come off.” / “But because of the medical lawsuits I have to leave you alone and let you die.”

“Ol’ Doc Boone’s a drunk.” / “Senor citizen Doctor Boone suffers chemical-dependence issues.”

“Ain’t nothin’ prettier than the desert cactus in bloom in early spring.” / “Did you remember my allergy medications?”

“Hank, where are your spurs?” / “Hank, where are the keys to your Toyota?”

“Hand over that strongbox or we’ll shoot.” / “Hand over those pretty shoes with the checkmark on ‘em or we’ll shoot.”

“All aboard for Lordsburg!” / “But first we have to wand all of you and strip-search Grandma.”

“Bugler, sound the charge.” / “Bugler, twitter Washington for permission for us to defend ourselves.”

“Chester, I’m going over to the Longbranch Saloon.” / “Chester, I’m off for my two o’clock encounter group.”

And finally, an old cowboy, a figure perhaps of John Wayne, rides with his son to a ridge overlooking a valley:

“Son, see that old Spanish church? Someday, someone will bulldoze it flat and replace it with a mosque. And over there where those deer are grazing will be a mucho grande gas station selling made-in-China western souvenirs. The trailer park will be over there where those 100-year-old cacti are now, and a motel will cover the Indian burial grounds. The Old West is passing.”

“Dad, where will they put the shopping mall? I need a new pair of knee-pants, and a tee-shirt with somebody else’s name on it, and the new Monster-Kill-Kill game.”

-30-