Monday, September 2, 2013

Lee Harvey Oswald in Area 51 with the Candlestick


Mack Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com
18 August 2013

Lee Harvey Oswald in Area 51 with the Candlestick

The British government is going to re-re-re-investigate the death of Elvis…no, wait…Princess Diana, The People’s Princess, and thank goodness for that, because anyone walking across a dark parking lot late at night is justifiably worried about being stalked by the furtive MI-5 albino rodeo clown (and his pack of feral corgis) who murdered Princess Diana.

Information not yet revealed is said to have been passed to Scotland Yard (perhaps Wodehouse’s Jeeves posing as Inspector Witherspoon) by the unnamed former parents-in-law of an unnamed former soldier who was a friend of another unnamed former soldier who was a friend of a former SAS sniper who was said by some other unknown person to have said that he knew something about the death of Princess Diana.  Well, hey, if that isn’t reason enough to start an investigation, then N.C.I.S. is just a television show.  Right?

Somehow, this will cause gasoline prices down the street to rise.

Actress Naomi Watts could tell the world exactly what happened, since Ms. Watts has been channeling Princess Diana from The Great Beyond, alleging that the princess herself gave Ms. Watts permission to play her in the movies. 

Unnamed in-laws, MI-5 conspiracies, Hollywood, discount-store mysticism.  But surely by gazing into a Clue board we can determine the real truth – this week’s real truth, at least – about the drunken chauffeur and the tru-luv-rs 4-ever.  The possibilities:

Miss Scarlet, obeying secret orders from Big Land Mine, committed the murder in Hangar 18 with a rope made of sustainable Burmese hemp.

Colonel Mustard, channeling the evil spirit of Margaret Thatcher, did in the victim in Porton Down by using a lead pipe forged or recycled materials in Taiwan.

Mrs. White, obeying an apparition of George Bush in a deck of Old Maid playing cards, did the evil deed in New Jersey with an organic dagger from India.

Reverend Green, decoding certain obscure passages in Harry Potter and the Same Plot Trotted Out Over and Over, committed the grisly act in a super-secret NSA facility with a green wrench stamped out by happy tree elves in China.

Mrs. Peacock, upon receiving a letter from Vladimir Putin, worked evil in Area 51 with a solar candlestick he found floating in the air at Dunsinane Castle.

Professor Plum, obeying orders from a secret committee in the National Endowment for the Arts, perpetrated the crime in a gender-neutral restroom in Roswell with a Khyber Pass revolver printed by a computer in a new-age spiritual retreat in New Mexico.  With, like, mandalas and enneagrams, and halo posters of Johnny Depp wearing a dead bird on his head.

After all, would the little Orwellian telescreens that everyone bears like Coleridge’s albatross ever lie?

-30-

 

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