Mack
Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com18 August 2013
Lee Harvey
Oswald in Area 51 with the Candlestick
The British government is going to re-re-re-investigate
the death of Elvis…no, wait…Princess Diana, The People’s Princess, and thank
goodness for that, because anyone walking across a dark parking lot late at
night is justifiably worried about being stalked by the furtive MI-5 albino
rodeo clown (and his pack of feral corgis) who murdered Princess Diana.
Information not yet revealed is said to have been passed
to Scotland Yard (perhaps Wodehouse’s Jeeves posing as Inspector Witherspoon)
by the unnamed former parents-in-law of an unnamed former soldier who was a
friend of another unnamed former soldier who was a friend of a former SAS
sniper who was said by some other unknown person to have said that he knew
something about the death of Princess Diana.
Well, hey, if that isn’t reason enough to start an investigation, then N.C.I.S. is just a television show. Right?
Somehow, this will cause gasoline prices down the street to
rise.
Actress Naomi Watts could tell the world exactly what
happened, since Ms. Watts has been channeling Princess Diana from The Great
Beyond, alleging that the princess herself gave Ms. Watts permission to play
her in the movies.
Unnamed in-laws, MI-5 conspiracies, Hollywood,
discount-store mysticism. But surely by
gazing into a Clue board we can determine the real truth – this week’s real
truth, at least – about the drunken chauffeur and the tru-luv-rs 4-ever. The possibilities:
Miss Scarlet, obeying secret orders from Big Land Mine,
committed the murder in Hangar 18 with a rope made of sustainable Burmese hemp.
Colonel Mustard, channeling the evil spirit of Margaret
Thatcher, did in the victim in Porton Down by using a lead pipe forged or
recycled materials in Taiwan.
Mrs. White, obeying an apparition of George Bush in a
deck of Old Maid playing cards, did the evil deed in New Jersey with an organic
dagger from India.
Reverend Green, decoding certain obscure passages in Harry Potter and the Same Plot Trotted Out
Over and Over, committed the grisly act in a super-secret NSA facility with
a green wrench stamped out by happy tree elves in China.
Mrs. Peacock, upon receiving a letter from Vladimir
Putin, worked evil in Area 51 with a solar candlestick he found floating in the
air at Dunsinane Castle.
Professor Plum, obeying orders from a secret committee in
the National Endowment for the Arts, perpetrated the crime in a gender-neutral
restroom in Roswell with a Khyber Pass revolver printed by a computer in a
new-age spiritual retreat in New Mexico.
With, like, mandalas and enneagrams, and halo posters of Johnny Depp
wearing a dead bird on his head.
After all, would the little Orwellian telescreens that everyone
bears like Coleridge’s albatross ever lie?
-30-
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