Casablanca - The Remake

Mack Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com

Casablanca – The Remake

In the re-make of Casablanca most scenes take place in Rick’s Juice Bar
Americain, where a cast of international characters seek desperately for the
Downloads of Transit signed by the Belgian government. The villains are
agents of Boa Constrictor Wireless Service who want to prevent Victor and Ilsa
from switching to cheaper and better data access.

The dialogue must be brought up to date, of course:

“Perhaps tomorrow we’ll be on the Amtrak.”

“To all officers - two Belgian couriers carrying important official downloads murdered on Amtrak from Oran. Murderer and possible accomplices headed for Casablanca. Round up all suspicious taxpayers and search them for illegally downloaded games on their MePhones. And for made-in-China designer knockoffs. Important.”

Captain Renault: “What in heaven's name brought you to Casablanca?”
Rick: “Broadband access. I came to Casablanca for the broadband access.”
Captain Renault: Broadband access? What broadband access ? We're in
a dead zone.”
Rick: “I was misinformed by the ap.”

Rick: “I have the downloads right here.”
Captain Renault: “Tell me, when we searched the place, where were they?”
Rick: “Sam's MePod.”
Captain Renault: “Serves me right for not being musical. “

“I am shocked! Shocked! To learn that there is smoking going on in here.”
“Your Cuban cigars, monsieur.”
“Oh, thank you very much.”

“I remember every detail – the Germans wore grey; you wore a ‘Spawn of Satan’ baseball cap.”

Captain Renault: “Oh no, Emil, please. A bottle of your best champagne, and
put it on my bill.”
Emil: “Very well, sir.”
Victor Laszlo: “Captain, please...”
Captain Renault: Oh, please, monsieur. It is a little game we play. They put it
on the bill, I charge it to my Republican National Committee credit card. It is
very convenient.”

Sam: “We'll take the two-cylinder, environmentally-friendly car. We'll let the
computer drive all night. We'll play video games. We'll get matching Bro tattoos
and stay away until she's gone. “

Major Strasser: “You give him credit for too much cleverness. My impression
was that he's just another blundering American.”
Captain Renault: “We musn't underestimate American blundering. I was with
them when they blundered into Korea, Viet-Nam, Cambodia, Laos, Iran,
Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, Somalia, Haiti, Sudan, Bosnia, Ethiopia,
Pakistan, Yemen, Libya, Cuba, Liberia, Panama, Serbia…”

“If you can program it for her you can program it for me. Program it, Sam.”

Rick: “And remember, this tazer is pointed right at your heart.”
Captain Renault: “That is my least vulnerable spot.”

“We’ll always have Louisiana State University’s $85 million swimming pool and kiddie-park…um…educational support center.”

Rick: “Now, you've got to listen to me! You have any idea what you'd have to
look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we'd both wind up
in a mandatory sensitivity training program. Isn't that true, Louie?”
Captain Reynaud: “I’m afraid Doctor Reverend Major Strasser would insist.”

“Round up the usual taxpayers.”

“Here’s looking at you, kid – and I say that without any hint of patronizing male chauvinism.”

Victor Laszlo: “Welcome back to the discussion. This time I know our side will
try to understand genocidal maniacs better.”

“Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship if the Federal Trade Commission and the Supreme Court are okay with it.”

(Rick and Louis walk away into the fog as Lindsey Khardassian twerks to the Belgian national anthem.)

-30-