Lawrence Hall, HSG
Dispatches for the Colonial Office
What This Country
Needs is a Better Class of Criminals
I don’t mind a parasite. I object to a cut-rate one.
-Rick in Casablanca
I was frustrated when my lawnmower wouldn’t start. I had
bought a new battery and was annoyed that it wasn’t holding a charge. I
dismounted, dragged up my rolling stool, and sat down to examine the battery
that to my surprise wasn’t there.
A thief in the night had yanked the battery, leaving only
the stripped ends of the leads. That was unprofessional; a good thief would
have brought the proper wrench or used the one I left within an arm’s reach of
the mower. Tools were available, the porch light was more than adequate – how much
of the work does a homeowner have to do for the contemporary petty criminal?
The bungling burglar didn’t get far with the battery,
however; I found it about twelve feet away from the mower. The poor sap had somehow
tripped, bringing some stacked firewood down upon him, and dropping the battery
while in flight. A few feet away he managed to trip again over some more
firewood, which is just plain embarrassing.
As a taxpaying citizen I expect a higher class of thief. No, I don’t necessarily
mean a Raffles or a John “The Cat” Robie, but maybe just a good quality
journeyman crook looking to build a better career.
The not-a-cat burglar does get some credit for focus,
though. Close by the lawnmower was a Stihl leaf blower worth far more than the
lawnmower battery, as well as an old but high-quality battery charger and a
small air compressor. But, no sir, the lad wanted a lawnmower battery and he avoided
all distractions in going for that. We must admire his sense of mission.
The follow-through was inept, though, leaving the battery,
the object of his endeavors, behind like that.
And a real professional would not have left messes – electric
leads torn loose, firewood all over the porch – it’s unseemly.
Frankly, I’m disappointed in the overall quality of burglars
and looters today. Is this the best America can do? Texans used to make off
with herds of cattle and now they can’t even pinch a lawnmower battery without
botching the job.
I blame the teachers, fluoride, George Bush, vaccines,
and Jewish space lasers for the poor quality of contemporary criminals. C’mon,
America; we can do better!
-30-
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