Ten Things You Won't Hear on New Year's

Lawrence Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

Ten Things You Won’t Hear on New Year’s

1. Stay up until midnight?  Why?
    
2. I’m not making any new year’s resolutions because I don’t need to; last year’s resolutions worked out so well.
    
3. We never watch professional football; there’s something un-American about watching millionaires in body armor beat each other up in taxpayer-funded stadia.
    
4. Hollywood gave the world such great films last year that I’m hoping they maintain their momentum in artistic quality this year.
    
5. On New Year’s we stay up late, almost until nine, playing chess.
    
6. No champagne for me, thanks.
    
7. Why would anyone spend the first day of the new year watching a network’s morning show b-team over-narrate a parade somewhere in Ohio?
    
8.  In the new fiscal year my company will be booking most of its travel with one of those new Asian airlines.  Hey, they’re the future, right?
    
9. Blackeyed peas and cabbage?  You’re going to put that stuff in your mouth?  How is that lucky?  Is there a blackeyed-pea-and-cabbage fairy?
    
10. Lift your glasses, everyone; I propose a toast to Kim Jong Un and Sony – a marriage made in, well, somewhere.

 

-30-

2012 Already?

Mack Hall, HSG

2012 Already?

Another new year has noisily pushed its way into our lives, just as we were getting comfortable with the old one, and in a shrill voice demands inordinate attention, rather like a presidential candidate’s wife. 

The new year means that now we should all make lists of new year’s resolutions to ignore, which is of course all of them.  Why is a resolution made on the first of January somehow more significant than one made on the 12^th of October?

Lose weight? Not gonna happen.  Here, have some more chocolate and enjoy life.

Here are some resolutions that our political and cultural leaders might attempt, though they won’t:

Presidential candidates should resolve to drop the royal “we.”  Even in local elections a candidate begins referring to himself as “we” as soon as he has filed the papers.  When a candidate refers to himself as “we,” someone should ask him about his multiple-personality disorder issues.

Presidential candidates and their spouses should resolve to use a Christmas bookstore gift card to buy a copy of the Constitution, wherein, they will note, there is no delegation of power to a presidential spouse and no budget for a presidential spouse.

Any presidential candidate who resolves to have the Hohenzollern-ish (cue “Imperial March” from Star Wars) fleet of presidential jumbo jets and helicopters converted to medical evacuation aircraft for our wounded soldiers would probably win the election.  Let’s hear it from all the candidates, boys and girls alike: “I solemnly resolve never to arrogate military aircraft for myself, my spouse and kids, my spouse’s lengthy catalogue of relatives, my dog, my butterfly collection, my anything.  I swear that if I have a constitutionally-mandated duty to fly somewhere as president, I will buy space on a civilian airliner, just like the Pope, the British royal family, and almost every other world leader.  I further assure you that golf clubs will not be part of my baggage.”

Election commissions everywhere should resolve that on every ballot there will be a “none-of-the-above” option.

The makers of films should make solemn vows, not mere resolutions, to return to holding the cameras still.  The concept of deliberately shaking the camera around is not artistic; it is merely a precious, look-at-me gimmick.

Another matter of artistic integrity would be to list computer graphics as a percentage of content in a movie.  The adaptations of C. S. Lewis’ Narnia stories, for example, are excessively clotted with computer graphics, with the resultant minimizing of the plot and of the characters of the children. 

And yet another resolution for filmmakers: turn on the lights when setting a scene.  So many films now are shown in such a dim monotone that one wonders why projectors even bother with light bulbs. 

All UAW members should resolve to drive Chevy Volts.

Every company that sells cable, satellite, and wireless access should resolve to stop lying to their customers.  With that, though, the world as we know it would end.

May your new year be blessed with kittens, puppies, happy children, chocolate, good wireless signals, and evenings under the trees talking with friends, and may it be wholly devoid of resolutions, nasty surprises in the cable bill, and candidates’ wives.

-30-

What if Governments Made New Year's Resolutions?

Mack Hall

India and Pakistan: Our two governments resolve to stand down all the border tension and work together in the new year so that we can get back to what we do best, persecuting Christians.

Congress: We’re going to stop bailing out rich people. CEOs who fly about in private jets should not be funded by firefighters and cops and store clerks. Further, the suits who rule the United Auto Workers need to find in their hearts the good will to sell their $33 million lake retreat and their $6 million golf course instead of demanding tax money from Americans who work for minimum wage.

Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg: In the new year I’m going to, like, you know, vote, and stuff. And disapprove of land mines.

President Bush: Clearly Americans should no longer fund any projects for oil-glutted Iraq; the purportedly poor Iraqis are throwing away perfectly good shoes. Instead of paying American engineers and skilled workers good money to rebuild Iraq, let us pay American engineers and skilled workers good money to rebuild America.

Al Gore: May all humans come to understand that global warming is a hoax promoted by bullies for reasons best known to themselves, and I apologize for having deluded myself. In the end, what we’re talking about is weather. Not that it means anything, but I’m going to stop flying around in my private jet and driving around in convoys of SUVs and preaching to people for big bucks.

Governor Perry: I’ve found out that I’m the only man in Texas who cares diddly about spending millions of dollars rebuilding the governor’s mansion. That old building looked too much like a set from Gone With the Wind anyway. I propose we sell the property for development, thus putting it on the tax rolls.

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia: I’m going to have a lot fewer of my people’s heads cut off this year.

President Sarkozy of France: You know, my fellow monsieurs, if not for the Americans we’d all be native speakers of German. I think we should host a Thank-a-Yank day.

President Kohler of Germany: You know, mein Herren, if not for the Americans we’d have to rule the French! Ouch! I think we should host a Thank-a-Yank day.

China: Clearly the American government doesn’t care at all about the quality of the food and products we ship to the American people. As a matter of being good neighbors and in the absence of responsible American government we should build quality products and make sure the food we export isn’t poisoned.

Hamas: At some point someone’s going to ask why our Palestinian children are starving while we spend millions of donated dollars to buy rockets to fire into Israel. This year I propose we stop blaming Jews for everything and begin acting like a civilized state.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi: I don’t need an expensive Air Force jet just to fly wherever I want to go; I’m going to be a positive role model in matters of thrift and fly commercial this year.

Governor Blagojevich of Illinois: I shouldn’t burden the people of Illinois with my confusion as to what planet I’m from. I’m also going to stop trying to sell public offices and be a responsible governor from now on – if that’s okay with my fraternity brothers and in accordance with Plan Nine From Outer Space.

President Putin of Russia: This year and forever, I am Plan Nine From Outer Space.