2012 Already?

Mack Hall, HSG

2012 Already?

Another new year has noisily pushed its way into our lives, just as we were getting comfortable with the old one, and in a shrill voice demands inordinate attention, rather like a presidential candidate’s wife. 

The new year means that now we should all make lists of new year’s resolutions to ignore, which is of course all of them.  Why is a resolution made on the first of January somehow more significant than one made on the 12^th of October?

Lose weight? Not gonna happen.  Here, have some more chocolate and enjoy life.

Here are some resolutions that our political and cultural leaders might attempt, though they won’t:

Presidential candidates should resolve to drop the royal “we.”  Even in local elections a candidate begins referring to himself as “we” as soon as he has filed the papers.  When a candidate refers to himself as “we,” someone should ask him about his multiple-personality disorder issues.

Presidential candidates and their spouses should resolve to use a Christmas bookstore gift card to buy a copy of the Constitution, wherein, they will note, there is no delegation of power to a presidential spouse and no budget for a presidential spouse.

Any presidential candidate who resolves to have the Hohenzollern-ish (cue “Imperial March” from Star Wars) fleet of presidential jumbo jets and helicopters converted to medical evacuation aircraft for our wounded soldiers would probably win the election.  Let’s hear it from all the candidates, boys and girls alike: “I solemnly resolve never to arrogate military aircraft for myself, my spouse and kids, my spouse’s lengthy catalogue of relatives, my dog, my butterfly collection, my anything.  I swear that if I have a constitutionally-mandated duty to fly somewhere as president, I will buy space on a civilian airliner, just like the Pope, the British royal family, and almost every other world leader.  I further assure you that golf clubs will not be part of my baggage.”

Election commissions everywhere should resolve that on every ballot there will be a “none-of-the-above” option.

The makers of films should make solemn vows, not mere resolutions, to return to holding the cameras still.  The concept of deliberately shaking the camera around is not artistic; it is merely a precious, look-at-me gimmick.

Another matter of artistic integrity would be to list computer graphics as a percentage of content in a movie.  The adaptations of C. S. Lewis’ Narnia stories, for example, are excessively clotted with computer graphics, with the resultant minimizing of the plot and of the characters of the children. 

And yet another resolution for filmmakers: turn on the lights when setting a scene.  So many films now are shown in such a dim monotone that one wonders why projectors even bother with light bulbs. 

All UAW members should resolve to drive Chevy Volts.

Every company that sells cable, satellite, and wireless access should resolve to stop lying to their customers.  With that, though, the world as we know it would end.

May your new year be blessed with kittens, puppies, happy children, chocolate, good wireless signals, and evenings under the trees talking with friends, and may it be wholly devoid of resolutions, nasty surprises in the cable bill, and candidates’ wives.

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