Mhall46184@aol.com
News Gumbo
Here,
then, is a summary of this week’s news:
The
Titanic sank after hitting iceberg lettuce because of global warming which was
caused by evil Americans plowing their fields with oxen that were too big and that
ate too much grain and then morphed into the Kardashians. The captain fired distress rockets while checking
his MySpace friending status but because the rockets were made in North Korea
they simply fizzled and fell into the ocean, taking out some vegetarian
porpoises. Wireless operator McBride’s
calls for help were not heard because China killed all Morse signals, suspicious
that Marconi operators were saying bad things about the government in Peking /
Beijing / Peiping. In the meantime, ship security officers,
supervised by The Three Stooges, were cavorting in their rooms with killer
clowns and would not pay them, which embarrassed President Teddy Roosevelt who
was hunting moose with the French prime minister, and this was difficult
because they were both riding bicycles in knee-pants (and bicycles look goofy
in knee-pants) and wearing those silly plastic-pimple helmets.
Back
in Las Vegas, the Taliban were dancing the night away with the Castro brothers
in a fund-raiser for Hugo Chavez. You
ain’t seen nothin’ until you’ve seen an octogenarian Cuban minister for
socialist culture shakin’ it to the new fusion hit, “Rock me Like a Byzantine
Princess of the Ikonoclast Persuasion.” The
Taliban accused stay-at-home mothers of not knowing enough about beheading
infidels, and Fox News’ John Stossel
aired a one-hour report detailing how World War II could have been won three
years earlier if it had been run by small business internet start-ups free of
IRS regulations.
Canada
urged the United Nations to send in monitors to oversee Bill Clinton and Lady
Gaga because of their proximity to a Tim Horton’s just across the border, and
the NRA (National Rifle Association) considered the possibility of funding
laboratory experiments on solar-powered green firearms whose on-board computers
would disable the firing mechanism when the scope senses a vegetarian target
species. Greece is considering issuing
bonds to bail out the city government of Branson, Missouri, and Congress is
pondering legislation to limit the height of beauty pageant crowns because of
their menace to low-flying aircraft.
Harry
Potter appeared with Jerry Springer to reveal that one of his ancestors may
have done something naughty, and Britain’s Daily
Mail website featured previously unknown pictures of New Jersey’s Governor
Christie dieting. The Principality of
Liechtenstein launched drones to spy on Monaco, and Britain’s parliament and
the Archbishop of Canterbury assured Prince Harry that there was no canonical impediment
to his forthcoming marriage to Snooky in an outdoor barefoot ceremony with a
Titanic theme on the beach in Labrador, which would be a hairy marry Snooky shipwreck.
You
say this news roundup doesn’t make sense?
Do you think the news as reported this week makes any more sense?
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