Sunday, April 15, 2012

China Blocked the Titanic's Marconi Signals

Mack Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com


News Gumbo

Here, then, is a summary of this week’s news:

The Titanic sank after hitting iceberg lettuce because of global warming which was caused by evil Americans plowing their fields with oxen that were too big and that ate too much grain and then morphed into the Kardashians.  The captain fired distress rockets while checking his MySpace friending status but because the rockets were made in North Korea they simply fizzled and fell into the ocean, taking out some vegetarian porpoises.  Wireless operator McBride’s calls for help were not heard because China killed all Morse signals, suspicious that Marconi operators were saying bad things about the government in Peking / Beijing / Peiping.   In the meantime, ship security officers, supervised by The Three Stooges, were cavorting in their rooms with killer clowns and would not pay them, which embarrassed President Teddy Roosevelt who was hunting moose with the French prime minister, and this was difficult because they were both riding bicycles in knee-pants (and bicycles look goofy in knee-pants) and wearing those silly plastic-pimple helmets.

Back in Las Vegas, the Taliban were dancing the night away with the Castro brothers in a fund-raiser for Hugo Chavez.  You ain’t seen nothin’ until you’ve seen an octogenarian Cuban minister for socialist culture shakin’ it to the new fusion hit, “Rock me Like a Byzantine Princess of the Ikonoclast Persuasion.”  The Taliban accused stay-at-home mothers of not knowing enough about beheading infidels,  and Fox News’ John Stossel aired a one-hour report detailing how World War II could have been won three years earlier if it had been run by small business internet start-ups free of IRS regulations.

Canada urged the United Nations to send in monitors to oversee Bill Clinton and Lady Gaga because of their proximity to a Tim Horton’s just across the border, and the NRA (National Rifle Association) considered the possibility of funding laboratory experiments on solar-powered green firearms whose on-board computers would disable the firing mechanism when the scope senses a vegetarian target species.  Greece is considering issuing bonds to bail out the city government of Branson, Missouri, and Congress is pondering legislation to limit the height of beauty pageant crowns because of their menace to low-flying aircraft. 

Harry Potter appeared with Jerry Springer to reveal that one of his ancestors may have done something naughty, and Britain’s Daily Mail website featured previously unknown pictures of New Jersey’s Governor Christie dieting.  The Principality of Liechtenstein launched drones to spy on Monaco, and Britain’s parliament and the Archbishop of Canterbury assured Prince Harry that there was no canonical impediment to his forthcoming marriage to Snooky in an outdoor barefoot ceremony with a Titanic theme on the beach in Labrador, which would be a hairy marry Snooky shipwreck.

You say this news roundup doesn’t make sense?  Do you think the news as reported this week makes any more sense?



-30-

No comments: