The Governor Wasn't Popping Wheelies in the Parking Lot - weekly column 30 October 2022

 

Lawrence Hall, HSG

Mhall46184@aol.com

 

The Governor Wasn’t Popping Wheelies in the Parking Lot

 

Could one start a Stagnation Party - which at General Elections would boast that during its time in office no event of the least importance had taken place...?

 

-C. S. Lewis in a letter to his brother, 23 March 1940

 

Last week I fulfilled my duty as a citizen of the Republic / Democracy (Is the United States a Republic or a Democracy? - WorldAtlas) by voting in a free, fair, open, honest, and well-observed election at the courthouse annex in Jasper.

 

The folks working the polls were professional and friendly, and a nice lady gave me an “I VOTED” sticker. Another man and I asked if we could have lollipops instead but the nice lady smiled and said she didn’t have any.  I wonder how often she gets asked that by would-be comedians, and I marvel at her patience.

 

There were no mysterious suitcases, no mules or jack-*sses, no loose boxes of ballots being smuggled in by Boris and Natasha, no cyber attacks (ya can’t hotwire a paper ballot), no loose bricks, no Jewish space lasers, no campaign posters near the polls, no mind-control electronic waves, no bonfires, no one denied me entry, no one looked over my shoulder, no observer was anywhere near me, and my ballot was not already filled out.  I don’t think my ballot was made in China from bamboo containing microchips, but then I don’t take orders from random consonants. Or from vowels, some of whom are silent.

 

But now Euclid and his Five Postulates, yeah, be careful about having anything to do with them, all those rays (and a guy named Ray?), parallel lines, segments, radii, right angles, and equiangle polygons. They’re not in the Bible, you know. I say we need to keep geometry away from our elections.

 

I admit that I did not look in the dumpsters for discarded ballots; I don’t even know where the dumpsters are.  Maybe the albino tri-lateral commission monks are hiding them in their subterranean lair on Oak Island. Where are the dumpsters!? We demand transparent dumpsters!

 

No one followed me through the parking lot, there were no armed wannabe G.I. Joe Secret Squirrel Commandos lurking about, Beto O’Rourke did not dance on any cars, Greg Abbot did not pop wheelies, Ken Paxton didn’t flee any process servers, no one took my picture, and no one wrote down my license plate number. And, really, I can’t imagine that even the looniest Qonspiracy goof snuggle-cuddling his testosterone compensation it’s-not-an-assault-rifle would associate a clapped-out, twenty-year-old heapster as part of a fast-moving unmarked UN globalist conspiracy to infiltrate microchipped bamboo ballots into the system in order to steal America’s precious bodily fluids.

 

Thanks to all the poll workers and poll watchers in Jasper County and everywhere, the worker bees who serve all of us and who are so essential to the peace, freedom, and good order of our democracy / republic / constitutional democracy / representative democracy / democratic republic. 

 

We read about goofy election stuff happening in other states, but through loyalty and good stewardship it’s not happening here. More Americans should act like us.

 

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